If you haven't read Part 1 and Part 2, please do so before continuing.
Once Aiden was taken away to the nursery for his bath and more complete exam I was left alone. I was told I wasn't allowed to get up and pee without a nurse for the first few hours because of the epidural, the one that didn't work. I rang for help getting to the bathroom and waited. I rang again and waited. I finally said to Hell with these people, got up and went to the bathroom. An hour after my first call a nurse showed up to help and I informed her I took care of it myself. My family had all left and I was just there, alone. In shock of what happened. I was sore and sad and already missing my baby. Aiden's father came back a bit after that with no baby and I asked what was going on and he said he didn't know. He left to get food. I rang for the nurses again and wanted to know where my baby was. I was told I couldn't see him yet.
Sometime after 9 I was wheeled back to see him. I was told his blood sugars were too low and they had to give him formula and keep him for further observation. He just laid in the warmer and I wasn't allowed to hold him. I cried because I wanted him so bad. Sometime after 10 they finally brought him back to me. His feet all bandaged up because they were cut up from all the blood taking. I was horrified. The low blood sugar is a side effect of the drugs pumped into me during labor.
Aiden cried all nite long. I struggled to feed him. He weighed less than 6lbs and was so tiny and fragile. He just struggled to latch on because of his size and my size.The nurses bugged us all nite for heel pricks to check his sugars. It was miserable. The next morning the paranoia of losing him was setting him. I was fearful to let anyone hold or touch him. My heart would race and palms would sweat. We were moved to smaller recovery room so someone else could have mine. I was alone a lot with him. He cried a lot. I cried a lot. It was hard. I continued to struggle to get him to latch right and I was getting pretty sore. I asked a nurse to see a Lactation Consultant for help. She instead said she would help. Her idea of help was to reach over, grab my breast and pinch my nipple flat and shove Aiden onto it. That is literally how it happened. She left and I cried some more.
I had Aiden on a Monday and released on a Wednesday. I was not prepared to go home. I had no idea what I was doing. I was still trying to process what happened and I was anxiety ridden. For weeks after bringing Aiden home I couldn't go into public without the intense fear that someone was going to steal him. I was scared to let anyone hold him or touch him. Going to the doctor with him had me sobbing because I couldn't take his crying. I felt like I was failing. I didn't know I was about to live with 3 years of postpartum depression. I didn't know my then husband would quit his job and leave us with nothing. I didn't know my rage would eventually lead me to make poor decisions in my job that I would go on to lose.
I ended up loosing my milk and my mind around 4 months after he was born. I wound up letting other people raise him until he was three. I disengaged from him and lost so much time raising him. The fog I lived in was dangerous. I wanted to die everyday. I wanted him to die so I could just move on. My depression was very obvious. I made no point of hiding it. I couldn't. No one helped me. No one guided me.
To this day I do not let people hold my babies. It scares me. Skip may hold them and I feel ok, but anyone else forget it. I still feel fear in public initially as well. It's a very real fear and I trace it back to my son being taken from me.
My home births have been wildly different. Very healing in many ways. I receive respectful care and I have never had a single thing done to me without consent. Not even listing to heart tones without being asked. I choose home birth because I am scared of the hospital. I am scared of doctors and nurses that won't honor or respect my choices. I am scared for my body and for my babies to enter a maternity ward. I am scared to live my experience with Aiden all over again. I do not fear my midwives. I do not fear my body. I do not fear birth. So I stay home for my safety and for my family's safety. My body heals faster, my mind has stayed whole and my babies not traumatized.
Aiden's story is why I chose home birth.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Why I Chose Home Birth, Part 2
If you haven't read part one, do so before continuing.
By the time we got to the hospital is was extremely obvious my water had broke. It was pretty much coming in gushes and I was starting to have some contractions. I waddled to the birth center soaking wet and was checked into an admitting room where they needed to make sure what was coming out of me was in fact amniotic fluid and not urine. I remember feeling pissed off to my core about this.I questioned the nurse and she said it was protocol. Fine. I let them put their little PH strip in me and verify that I wasn't having an over active bladder.My cervix checked and already 4cm dilated. I was taken to a labor and delivery room and given a gown with 2 big slits in the front of it for easier breast access after birth. Not at all modest. A nurse came in to administer an IV to which I attempted to refuse, but she would have none of it and said it was policy and I didn't have a choice. So the IV went in. Then she bought a bag of IV antibiotics. I tested positive for Group B Strep 3 weeks before and I guess 2 days of it then wasn't enough. I again questioned it and was told it was policy that I receive them because of my status. Everything appeared to be policy and I had no options to say no.
I was asked if I was contracting and at this point they had stopped. So I requested to do some walking to get things going again and was awarded 10 minutes of walking time before I was determined to not be making fast enough progress. I was told, not asked, that I was going to be receiving pitocin to start my labor. As far as I was concerned it was started as contractions were starting again. So I questioned and was told it was doctor ordered and I needed to start being monitored. So I was sat on the bed, pit started and monitors hooked up. In no time I was having horrible contractions that I was not prepared for and asked for them to turn it off and was told NO. It was doctor ordered. They let me off the monitor to move around. It was horrible. About an hour after I was first "ordered" to receive the Pit I was checked again and had progressed to a 6 and the nurse turned it up! I was told I needed to be having stronger contractions that were closer together. The pain got worse. I started crying. The nurse began to come in every few minutes and ask if I wanted an epidural even though I clearly expressed I did not. So I opted for a dose of Stadol to take the edge off. One hour after the upped dose of Pit I was again checked and nearly an 8. She turned it up again. A this point the pain and the contractions had become so unbearable I begged for the epidural after begging to have the Pit turned off. Doctor's orders that I have it.
The anesthesiologist came in and laughed at me for trying without it. He said he got there just in time because at 8 cm I would have to suffer through the pain. He placed the needle during a huge contraction and told me to stop crying about it and that the pain would all be over in a minute. At first it appeared to actually work. A few contractions went by and I was ok. Then my blood pressure dropped and they lost Aiden's heart beat. I had nurses shoving an oxygen mask on me, injecting epinephrine into my IV and telling me I was about to be rushed to a C-Section because the baby was missing. The whole time I kept saying he's moving, he has hiccups, he's fine. My legs were forced open and a nurse started jamming something up me. His heartbeat came back on the monitor and he was fine. I found out later an internal heart monitor had been screwed into Aiden's scalp.
Then suddenly the worst contraction I had hit me like a bus. Pain and burning in my back like I was being broken in half. The epidural stopped working and I was only numb from my thighs down. I endured back labor on my back totally immobilized for near 3 hours. I asked many times to have the epidural removed so I could get up and was told no every time. I begged to have the Pit turned off and told no every time. I was being held hostage and had no choices or options. I screamed with every contraction and was told by my nurse to be quiet, I had an epidural and there was no way I was feeling it that strongly. Toward the end of all this back labor I was checked and told I was at a 9 and it would be another hour or so. Once contraction later the pain stopped and I told the nurse I had to push, NOW! She told me there was no way and I wasn't allowed to push. It was 3pm. So instead of being kind she checked me during my next contraction with so much force I nearly kicked her and confirmed I was in fact a 10 and she needed to call my doctor. I was not to push. Well too damn bad because I did with every single contraction and that nurse got angrier and angrier with me.
When my doctor finally showed up I was about crowning and she readied herself. With every contraction the nurse would start counting to 10 very slowly and then chastise me for not pushing past my contraction. I finally looked at her and said,"Get the fuck out and get me a new nurse."
I got a new and much kinder nurse. During one of my final contractions my doctor looked at me and said,"Christine, you are going to tear, I need to do an episiotomy, I know you don't want one."
I told her no I didn't want one, but she said,"Sorry, I have to" and cut me on the next contraction. I did not consent.
At 3:36 pm Aiden was born covered in my blood from being cut. He was laid on my belly, his cord clamped and cut with nurses and doctors knowing I wanted it delayed. Aiden hardly cried. He only whimpered. They took him to the warmer across the room and I was stitched up. He was brought back all bundled up and looking tired. He wouldn't even breastfeed. I tried to unwrap him and have him closer to me and was told no, I couldn't do that. I was given one hour with him before he was taken away for the next 5 hours. I was given no information as to what was going on.
End of Part 2. Nothing about my birth went as planned except that I wasn't C-sectioned and I came close. No respected me, listened to me or stopped any procedure when I asked. I had no voice, no back up and no rights. I was stripped of human dignity and autonomy.
Part 3 Here
By the time we got to the hospital is was extremely obvious my water had broke. It was pretty much coming in gushes and I was starting to have some contractions. I waddled to the birth center soaking wet and was checked into an admitting room where they needed to make sure what was coming out of me was in fact amniotic fluid and not urine. I remember feeling pissed off to my core about this.I questioned the nurse and she said it was protocol. Fine. I let them put their little PH strip in me and verify that I wasn't having an over active bladder.My cervix checked and already 4cm dilated. I was taken to a labor and delivery room and given a gown with 2 big slits in the front of it for easier breast access after birth. Not at all modest. A nurse came in to administer an IV to which I attempted to refuse, but she would have none of it and said it was policy and I didn't have a choice. So the IV went in. Then she bought a bag of IV antibiotics. I tested positive for Group B Strep 3 weeks before and I guess 2 days of it then wasn't enough. I again questioned it and was told it was policy that I receive them because of my status. Everything appeared to be policy and I had no options to say no.
I was asked if I was contracting and at this point they had stopped. So I requested to do some walking to get things going again and was awarded 10 minutes of walking time before I was determined to not be making fast enough progress. I was told, not asked, that I was going to be receiving pitocin to start my labor. As far as I was concerned it was started as contractions were starting again. So I questioned and was told it was doctor ordered and I needed to start being monitored. So I was sat on the bed, pit started and monitors hooked up. In no time I was having horrible contractions that I was not prepared for and asked for them to turn it off and was told NO. It was doctor ordered. They let me off the monitor to move around. It was horrible. About an hour after I was first "ordered" to receive the Pit I was checked again and had progressed to a 6 and the nurse turned it up! I was told I needed to be having stronger contractions that were closer together. The pain got worse. I started crying. The nurse began to come in every few minutes and ask if I wanted an epidural even though I clearly expressed I did not. So I opted for a dose of Stadol to take the edge off. One hour after the upped dose of Pit I was again checked and nearly an 8. She turned it up again. A this point the pain and the contractions had become so unbearable I begged for the epidural after begging to have the Pit turned off. Doctor's orders that I have it.
The anesthesiologist came in and laughed at me for trying without it. He said he got there just in time because at 8 cm I would have to suffer through the pain. He placed the needle during a huge contraction and told me to stop crying about it and that the pain would all be over in a minute. At first it appeared to actually work. A few contractions went by and I was ok. Then my blood pressure dropped and they lost Aiden's heart beat. I had nurses shoving an oxygen mask on me, injecting epinephrine into my IV and telling me I was about to be rushed to a C-Section because the baby was missing. The whole time I kept saying he's moving, he has hiccups, he's fine. My legs were forced open and a nurse started jamming something up me. His heartbeat came back on the monitor and he was fine. I found out later an internal heart monitor had been screwed into Aiden's scalp.
Then suddenly the worst contraction I had hit me like a bus. Pain and burning in my back like I was being broken in half. The epidural stopped working and I was only numb from my thighs down. I endured back labor on my back totally immobilized for near 3 hours. I asked many times to have the epidural removed so I could get up and was told no every time. I begged to have the Pit turned off and told no every time. I was being held hostage and had no choices or options. I screamed with every contraction and was told by my nurse to be quiet, I had an epidural and there was no way I was feeling it that strongly. Toward the end of all this back labor I was checked and told I was at a 9 and it would be another hour or so. Once contraction later the pain stopped and I told the nurse I had to push, NOW! She told me there was no way and I wasn't allowed to push. It was 3pm. So instead of being kind she checked me during my next contraction with so much force I nearly kicked her and confirmed I was in fact a 10 and she needed to call my doctor. I was not to push. Well too damn bad because I did with every single contraction and that nurse got angrier and angrier with me.
When my doctor finally showed up I was about crowning and she readied herself. With every contraction the nurse would start counting to 10 very slowly and then chastise me for not pushing past my contraction. I finally looked at her and said,"Get the fuck out and get me a new nurse."
I got a new and much kinder nurse. During one of my final contractions my doctor looked at me and said,"Christine, you are going to tear, I need to do an episiotomy, I know you don't want one."
I told her no I didn't want one, but she said,"Sorry, I have to" and cut me on the next contraction. I did not consent.
At 3:36 pm Aiden was born covered in my blood from being cut. He was laid on my belly, his cord clamped and cut with nurses and doctors knowing I wanted it delayed. Aiden hardly cried. He only whimpered. They took him to the warmer across the room and I was stitched up. He was brought back all bundled up and looking tired. He wouldn't even breastfeed. I tried to unwrap him and have him closer to me and was told no, I couldn't do that. I was given one hour with him before he was taken away for the next 5 hours. I was given no information as to what was going on.
End of Part 2. Nothing about my birth went as planned except that I wasn't C-sectioned and I came close. No respected me, listened to me or stopped any procedure when I asked. I had no voice, no back up and no rights. I was stripped of human dignity and autonomy.
Part 3 Here
Why I Chose Home Birth, Part 1
Most everyone I know sees me as the "crunchy" type. The person who uses herbs, vitamins and food to deal with my family's illness. I research before deciding I need a doctor and when I go in I pretty much know what the issue is and I actually require their help to get to a solution. I try my best to be an informed medical consumer, this is my health and life we are talking about, as well as that of my husband and children.
I haven't always been that way and I think many in my shoes also have not always been that way. Something triggered the change and its usually pretty big. For me it was my pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum with Aiden. I didn't jump on the crunchy mom band wagon right away, but when I got pregnant in 2010 I got fearful of the experience again and then when I miscarried and pretty much got sent home I knew something wasn't right. I went home and started researching what to expect with that miscarriage and found a whole array of information that started me on the road to "crunchy". With my second miscarriage I had already chosen a midwife, met her and lost my baby 3 days later. She gave me support and information on healing and helping with a "sticky baby" next go around. And along came Fiona.
The ending weeks of that pregnancy I found myself overcome with so much anxiety and panic over what would happen at that birth. Everything that had happened during Aiden's played over and over in my head and the memories and trauma that I stuffed deep down came back and I couldn't believe what happened to me and how it was all brushed off as a "normal" experience. Now at the ending weeks of what will be my 4th child, 3rd home birth the anxiety, fear and memories of his birth creep back in on me. I reflect on it and I am thankful to have this choice. I have never shared the details of his birth, I have given people the basic run down. I have shared more intimate memories with my husband and midwives, they have all shared their sorrow with me for what I went through and experienced. My midwife in Kansas was the first women to ever say to me,"I am sorry for your experience." Those remain some of the most important words to me in my journey to choose better for me and my children.
So I am going to share my story of Aiden in detail. The details are WHY I birth at home. They are WHY I encourage other women to be educated in ALL their choices, whether or not they choose a midwifery care model and home birth. I know hospital birth can also be amazing, but it requires knowledge and education on the mother and father's part.
March 5th, 2006 I found out I was pregnant with Aiden. I was quite frankly shocked and my then husband acted like it was some miracle. Its not that we weren't planning or trying, but rather he really wasn't trying and I had plans to get back on birth control and join the Armed Forces of some kind to get away. But I was still excited. I found an OB, made my first appointment and went. She was late and coming back from a C-section. No big deal. She spent a whopping 10 minutes with me and that included a PAP and said she would see me in 4 weeks. I had so many questions and I felt brushed off. Along came my second and third appts with this woman and she again for both was coming back from a C-section. I changed providers at 20 weeks because she scared me. My new provider was nice enough, appointments were still short and to the point. We explained birth plans, I wanted to go natural, I didn't want an episiotomy or IV. I wanted to shower and move. Basic things that should help me labor. She agreed and said it should be fine. No problems.
At 33 weeks pregnant I was at a company sponsored nite out, bowling! When we headed to my car I had a very odd sensation and my then husband actually witnessed Aiden drop and engage into my pelvis. It was weird. Went home and realized I hadn't been feeling him move at all. So I chugged a can of Coke and waited. Nothing. Took a shower because that always irritated him into moving. Nothing. Laid down on my belly. Nothing. Called the birth center at Penrose and told them what was happening and they asked me to come in and have him checked out. We got there, got checked in and found out the booger was fine. While I was hooked up I was having the usual contractions that I had been becoming accustomed to over the past week or 2. But I had five in one hour and to a hospital that means I am in labor. Not cool at 33 weeks. So they checked me, not enough dilation to call it 1cm, but they treated me like I was going to deliver anyways. I was given steroid injections to mature lungs and injections to stop labor and was admitted. By morning with all nite monitoring they determined I was not going to stop "laboring" and told me I was going to be put on a magnesium drip to relax my uterus and stop labor. I was again checked with no changes noted. Other than the contractions that were never more than 20 minutes apart, I had ZERO signs of labor. They wont even admit a woman at term with contractions that far apart. But I knew no better and no one was telling me anything that wasn't scaring the crap out of me.
At 6am an IV was placed and a magnesium drip started. The pain from that going into my arm, the burning and the fact that my vision tripled within seconds had me puking and crying for it to stop! I was told I wouldn't be allowed to walk while on this drug and a bedside toilet was brought to me, but I was warned I would more than likely be given a catheter because I wouldn't be able to move. I was told I was receiving this treatment. I was not asked. For 2 days I lay in a bed with this drip and I refused to have a catheter placed. I got up to pee. At one point I noted that my urine was a very bright orange and smelled horrific and I asked why. Well turns out they also had me on an antibiotic drip because I tested positive for Group B Step. I was not told I was positive, but I also wasn't even told what it was or why I had to have the antibiotics. Again, I was given drugs without express informed consent.
After 3 days I was released from the hospital and given a drug called Terbutaline to take every 4 hours to prevent contractions. I took it faithfully around the clock. This drug has since been disapproved for long term use due to heart attacks in infants and mothers. Although I took this drug I continued with contractions and at every appointment with my provider there were no actual signs of change to my cervix that should cause worry of imminent labor and delivery. I stopped taking it at 36 weeks with my doctors consent and at 36 weeks 3 days my water broke at 6;30 am and I was told I needed to come in right away. My labor hadn't really got started and I had an overwhelming desire to stay home and not let those people touch me anymore. But my family would have none of it and ushered me into the car and off I went.
That's the end of part one. Looking at how the "pre-term" labor situation played out it is very clear to me 3 pregnancies later that early, regular contracting is what my body does. I don't know that I ever was actually at risk of delivering that early. I do believe Aiden came at 36 weeks because of all the personal stress I was enduring at the time and he and body couldn't take it anymore. The drugs that were administered to me were done so without being asked, without being fully informed of their side effects on me and my baby. I had many tests done and none of the results relayed to me. Evidence care was not practiced as it was pretty obvious with no changes to my cervix that I was not in fact in labor. I asked a few times if I was really in labor because it didn't feel like it and if all the interventions were necessary and I was simply told without them I'd be having a baby early and I wouldn't be taking him home if that happened.
Part 2 Here
I haven't always been that way and I think many in my shoes also have not always been that way. Something triggered the change and its usually pretty big. For me it was my pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum with Aiden. I didn't jump on the crunchy mom band wagon right away, but when I got pregnant in 2010 I got fearful of the experience again and then when I miscarried and pretty much got sent home I knew something wasn't right. I went home and started researching what to expect with that miscarriage and found a whole array of information that started me on the road to "crunchy". With my second miscarriage I had already chosen a midwife, met her and lost my baby 3 days later. She gave me support and information on healing and helping with a "sticky baby" next go around. And along came Fiona.
The ending weeks of that pregnancy I found myself overcome with so much anxiety and panic over what would happen at that birth. Everything that had happened during Aiden's played over and over in my head and the memories and trauma that I stuffed deep down came back and I couldn't believe what happened to me and how it was all brushed off as a "normal" experience. Now at the ending weeks of what will be my 4th child, 3rd home birth the anxiety, fear and memories of his birth creep back in on me. I reflect on it and I am thankful to have this choice. I have never shared the details of his birth, I have given people the basic run down. I have shared more intimate memories with my husband and midwives, they have all shared their sorrow with me for what I went through and experienced. My midwife in Kansas was the first women to ever say to me,"I am sorry for your experience." Those remain some of the most important words to me in my journey to choose better for me and my children.
So I am going to share my story of Aiden in detail. The details are WHY I birth at home. They are WHY I encourage other women to be educated in ALL their choices, whether or not they choose a midwifery care model and home birth. I know hospital birth can also be amazing, but it requires knowledge and education on the mother and father's part.
March 5th, 2006 I found out I was pregnant with Aiden. I was quite frankly shocked and my then husband acted like it was some miracle. Its not that we weren't planning or trying, but rather he really wasn't trying and I had plans to get back on birth control and join the Armed Forces of some kind to get away. But I was still excited. I found an OB, made my first appointment and went. She was late and coming back from a C-section. No big deal. She spent a whopping 10 minutes with me and that included a PAP and said she would see me in 4 weeks. I had so many questions and I felt brushed off. Along came my second and third appts with this woman and she again for both was coming back from a C-section. I changed providers at 20 weeks because she scared me. My new provider was nice enough, appointments were still short and to the point. We explained birth plans, I wanted to go natural, I didn't want an episiotomy or IV. I wanted to shower and move. Basic things that should help me labor. She agreed and said it should be fine. No problems.
At 33 weeks pregnant I was at a company sponsored nite out, bowling! When we headed to my car I had a very odd sensation and my then husband actually witnessed Aiden drop and engage into my pelvis. It was weird. Went home and realized I hadn't been feeling him move at all. So I chugged a can of Coke and waited. Nothing. Took a shower because that always irritated him into moving. Nothing. Laid down on my belly. Nothing. Called the birth center at Penrose and told them what was happening and they asked me to come in and have him checked out. We got there, got checked in and found out the booger was fine. While I was hooked up I was having the usual contractions that I had been becoming accustomed to over the past week or 2. But I had five in one hour and to a hospital that means I am in labor. Not cool at 33 weeks. So they checked me, not enough dilation to call it 1cm, but they treated me like I was going to deliver anyways. I was given steroid injections to mature lungs and injections to stop labor and was admitted. By morning with all nite monitoring they determined I was not going to stop "laboring" and told me I was going to be put on a magnesium drip to relax my uterus and stop labor. I was again checked with no changes noted. Other than the contractions that were never more than 20 minutes apart, I had ZERO signs of labor. They wont even admit a woman at term with contractions that far apart. But I knew no better and no one was telling me anything that wasn't scaring the crap out of me.
At 6am an IV was placed and a magnesium drip started. The pain from that going into my arm, the burning and the fact that my vision tripled within seconds had me puking and crying for it to stop! I was told I wouldn't be allowed to walk while on this drug and a bedside toilet was brought to me, but I was warned I would more than likely be given a catheter because I wouldn't be able to move. I was told I was receiving this treatment. I was not asked. For 2 days I lay in a bed with this drip and I refused to have a catheter placed. I got up to pee. At one point I noted that my urine was a very bright orange and smelled horrific and I asked why. Well turns out they also had me on an antibiotic drip because I tested positive for Group B Step. I was not told I was positive, but I also wasn't even told what it was or why I had to have the antibiotics. Again, I was given drugs without express informed consent.
After 3 days I was released from the hospital and given a drug called Terbutaline to take every 4 hours to prevent contractions. I took it faithfully around the clock. This drug has since been disapproved for long term use due to heart attacks in infants and mothers. Although I took this drug I continued with contractions and at every appointment with my provider there were no actual signs of change to my cervix that should cause worry of imminent labor and delivery. I stopped taking it at 36 weeks with my doctors consent and at 36 weeks 3 days my water broke at 6;30 am and I was told I needed to come in right away. My labor hadn't really got started and I had an overwhelming desire to stay home and not let those people touch me anymore. But my family would have none of it and ushered me into the car and off I went.
That's the end of part one. Looking at how the "pre-term" labor situation played out it is very clear to me 3 pregnancies later that early, regular contracting is what my body does. I don't know that I ever was actually at risk of delivering that early. I do believe Aiden came at 36 weeks because of all the personal stress I was enduring at the time and he and body couldn't take it anymore. The drugs that were administered to me were done so without being asked, without being fully informed of their side effects on me and my baby. I had many tests done and none of the results relayed to me. Evidence care was not practiced as it was pretty obvious with no changes to my cervix that I was not in fact in labor. I asked a few times if I was really in labor because it didn't feel like it and if all the interventions were necessary and I was simply told without them I'd be having a baby early and I wouldn't be taking him home if that happened.
Part 2 Here
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