Over the years I have made a multitude of jokes about being "girly". About how that just wasn't for me, you couldn't get me in a dress or skirt if my life depended on it etc. I've made habits of forcing myself to be exclusively responsible for myself, not allowing anyone in to help me without feeling nothing but shame for it. I've secretly envied others for so seamlessly being able to switch on the girl light and go for it. A very serious inner struggle and I had no idea why.
Skip's first deployment in November 2007 happened 4 months after I met him. I set a goal for that. It was to be able to survive on my own. Pay rent alone. Feed myself alone. Survive 15 months without needing anyone else for support. Just to prove to myself that I can do it. And I did it with a great deal of satisfaction and dissatisfaction at the end. Skip was very proud of the growing I did, my changes. While I knew I had accomplished something, I was never quite able to figure out why it didn't feel as great as I thought it would. Sure I put on a great show of how strong I was and how great I was doing. I cried near every single day because I felt so helpless.
This deployment again brought goal setting. I had a goal to lose some weight(I've lost 18lbs and 2 sizes), a business goal to support a business single handedly, which I have done well and a goal of becoming more "girly". The last one being the hardest thing I ever thought I would have to do. But that last goal I have truly blown out of the water and I am amazed at how easy it actually was. I am amazed at what changes it has brought out in me. The world is a much different place to me now.
These two sets of goals could not be more different! The first is before I understood what I needed and the second was made at the beginning of a great change that I do not think would have happened if we had not moved to Kansas. When we got here I was forced to deal with some situations that brought me a great deal of personal shame. I wasn't able to pull my load financially. It was a horrible feeling. I was letting down the biggest part of myself. The part that always demanded I take care of myself, to not rely on anyone. I was embarrassed when Skip paid the full rent here and I was even more so when I realized the job I had just wasn't going to make enough money for a bit of time to cover the expenses I was accustomed to taking care of. I wanted everything 50/50. But it never turned out that way. I was forced to rely on someone. The worst part was he didn't even complain! He just did and said he was happy to.
By the time Skip left me in March I was growing used to the idea of the rent being be paid. I was taking care of all the utilities and small bills that came up here and there. I was actually able to relax and feel less stressed. It wasn't until our loss in May that I realized it felt good to let someone take care of things. I took near a week off work to deal with things and I never had to worry once about taking the world on. Skip told me to go shopping, to buy something nice for myself. Then for the first time in a long time I started shopping on the women's side of the store. I didn't buy T-shirts and jeans. I got skirts and fitted shirts to match.
Then I started reading. I was given a few links to some blogs from friend and quite quickly found common ground. I started my unlearning process. I started to ditch the idea that I had to be a provider. I stopped believing that men and women are equal. Instead I started regarding them as too different to be equal. I had been forced to believe I was something that wasn't natural. There are things I don't want to do and shouldn't be doing if it can be helped.
I have found peace in cleaning my house. Peace in doing the laundry for us. I am content with not being the bread winner in my house. For the first time in my life the thoughts of staying home and taking care of children and maintaining my house are actually welcome.I don't fear I will go crazy. I don't think I won't be able to handle it. I am all to happy to fall into a gender based role because it FEELS good. It FEELS right. I am happy to not be a man. I don't want to pick up a tool and take care of it myself. I don't want to do a man's job, not when I have one who gladly does it for me because he already feels like it's his job.
I have taken my year to unlearn how to be a feminist. One who was striving to better than men. One who thought men actually couldn't do anything right. With that I think I have saved myself a lifetime from misery and discontent. My road to unlearning isn't done yet. There are still a few things I struggle with simply because they are skills that were not taught to me. I struggle very much with grocery shopping and meal planning. I know how to cook, but I don't understand how how to put a meal together, to create something.
I have cried a great deal this deployment, but not because I am confused or because I haven't found gratification in what I have accomplished. I can say with absolute certainty that I am the happiest I have ever been. I can say I have an understanding of myself. I am aware of what is happening around me and what I stand for. I do not feel as if I am grasping for straws and answers. I have found peace with the values opposite of what I was forced to learn growing up. Just because this year is about over, doesn't mean my journey is done. I look forward to next year. I know there will be new beginnings, but they will the kind that add value to the things I have worked so hard toward this year.
Christine
