Postpartum Depression

I want to write today about PPD in light of the California woman who threw her baby over the side of a parking garage and killed it.  Her husband has spoken very strong words supporting this and is encouraging women to get help.  There are many people that will say the baby was 7 months old and there is no way she could have still had the baby blues.  The baby "blues" and PPD are very different things.  PPD can last many many months. This is a great overview of PPD.

I suffered for nearly a year after Aiden was born and to be honest maybe even longer as it took me near 3 years to feel an actual bond to my child.  It was very easy for me to just leave him with someone else and not care as much as I should have.  I cannot count how many times I wanted myself and him dead.  I cannot tell you how many times I thought about giving him up.  I suffered extreme anxiety attacks.  Being in public was a nightmare for me.  I could wake up fine and within a few hours be thinking about life without Aiden.  I lost my milk when he was 3 months old.  To this day I cannot part with my breast pump because of what this did to me.  The thought of getting rid of it panics me and I feel less of a mother because of it.

The California women had a disabled baby and there could very well be a chance what she did was not in her complete control.  A less than perfect baby can really compound the issue.  I hope she can get the help she needs.  I still have days that I wonder how on earth my son and I made it through with our lives. Postpartum depression is serious and cannot be ignored or handled lightly.  It kills.

More on the things Aiden says

I thinking getting pregnant when is Aiden is almost 5 is probably more fun than if he was 3.  He says thngs that I just can't believe.


"Mommy, I need a brother to come out of there so I can play frisbee with him"

"Mommy, there is a baby in your tummy?"

yes Aiden

"There is water in there?"

Yes, so the baby can swim around

"OH!!  It has a pool!?"


It never stops.

Eggs and Cheese

Eggs and cheese are the only 2 foods I can eat and not feel  terrible.  I think by the time February comes around I won't want to own chickens anymore.  I may also lose my interest in making my own cheese.  Water is the ONLY liquid that feels good and it gets quite boring.   Although I do have to say that first glass of water in the morning is total Heaven! I am hoping soon that eating other foods that I sooooo desperately want to eat will be as settling as eggs and cheese.

And on a side note, my midwife Anita came by Wednesday and everything is still going strong.  Great heart beat and measurements.  I hate that even though I hear, see and feel the good news I still feel panicked most days about going to the bathroom.   I feel like I am just waiting for bad things to happen all over again.  I have no idea how to get past that.  It's very scary.  I will be 14 weeks on Monday and even though I know I am well past the most crucial part of things I still fear it is going to happen again.  I don't remember any of that with Aiden.


Here's to the incredible egg and oh so yummy cheese.

To Start or Not to Start

Aiden won't be 5 until October.   He technically doesn't qualify for kindergarten until next school year(if he was going).  I've been debating over the summer whether or not I was going to just start him this year or wait until next.  I think I have decided to put off the "formal" teaching until next year when I have a better handle and hopefully understanding of his behavioral needs.  One more year to be carefree without having "education" crammed down his throat for the next 12 years.  In the mean time we will at least be getting serious about writing  the alphabet.   His hand coordination with a pencil is still not the greatest.  He seems to know his ABC's when he  wants to! Numbers are also coming along nicely. Shapes and colors he has down.  He also understands how a hydroponic system works, at least 3 different types of birds and multiple types of dog breeds.   LOL.  He can tell you about gun parts, tanks and helicopters.  Aiden can tell you that all the corn being grown around us is going into dog food, corn syrup and other nasty food fillers as well.  He even told his grandma so.  He knows about many of the organs and body parts that make up the human body.   He can tell you about the food chain as well.

I guess he may not be learning the fun and cute stuff they learn in a school environment, but he is learning relevant things to life.  So one more year of non-traditional learning and then I will decide if we continue the path of un-schooling or move into a more book minded type of learning.   Only Aiden can tell us what is going to teach him best.  I love the flexibility keeping him out of the public system is going give him and to us.

Dealing with Aiden

My boy is a handful.  He has done everything from peeing on the floor in his room on multiple occasions to the more recent getting a hold of a sharp knife and stabbing holes in his walls at nap time.  He is extremely hyper active, not even being able to sit in a chair to eat without the need to always half stand.  His sleep pattern is horrible which typically leads to a lot of bad days. Daily meltdowns over the smallest things are a regular part of life here. Staying on one task for more than 2-4 minutes takes a serious miracle.

Discipline means nothing to Aiden. Tim out, spanking, taking toys and privileges away.  Forget it.  They don't phase him. He's received a few spankings and I have never seen a kid go right back to doing the bad thing after that.  We decided not to do it again since no effect was made.  He stands in time out with not a care in the world. He doesn't care for toys, so if we take those he doesn't even notice.  We don't have TV or video games, so we don't have that to take away and he's hardly on the computer.

I have so many days that I just feel like I am about to break.  He is the most trying child I have ever been near!  And I have been baby sitting since I was 12.  So we went to the doctor and got  referred to see the mental health center to have him evaluated.  I made the appointment and started researching ADHD and natural alternatives and behavior exercises.  I came across a lot of good ideas and tactics and I also came across some scary things as well.  Like parents who have had their kids removed from their care for not wanting to medicate with a class 2 narcotic.  I had already made my mind up that I wont allow him to be drugged, but the more I searched the more and more I saw this was the way doctors prefer to treat kids.

I cancelled my appointment.  I was already fearful to have Aiden possibly diagnosed with a learning issue like ADHD, but I am even more fearful to have that documented and risk the possibility of it coming back and biting me in ass later. We will already be at risk of government supervision because we are choosing to home school.  The last thing I need to add to that is an unmediated child who is thought to need it by doctor.

Do I sound paranoid, maybe. Is the risk real enough that my fears could come true? Absolutely.  Never underestimate state officials nor the people around you.

So what are we going to do?  I clearly don't want to live day in and day out with a pain in ass kid.  I have found some fantastic herbal allies to start working with.  The first being Lemon Balm.  It is very known for calming the nerves of "hysteric" people, but also know to calm children who just can't stop going.  The second being Catnip(yes I just said that).  A seriously calming plant that induces sleep. And sleep seems to be half of Aiden's issue.  We are also starting a new behavior chart. He earns 10 stars and gets a prize. For now that prize is M&Ms.   He earns a star for every good deed and loses one for every bad thing.  We are starting VERY easy on this. He can earn a star for simply brushing his teeth politely! This way he has a better chance of understanding what is good and bad.  It is a self punishing system where he can see the results right away.

 Just a simple note card sectioned and numbered

He already filled his first card and earned a reward!

SO we are keeping our fingers crossed that we will be able to start managing this without needing to see a doctor.  I have a LOT of research to do yet and I am sure the road will still be bumpy. I am just hoping for a little relief and helping Aiden understand better what we are asking him and relieve some of his anxiety in a peaceful manner.   

Random things kids say

Aiden says the darnedest things sometimes.  Lately it has revolved around my expanding waist line.   Today he showed how polite he can be.

Aiden: Mommy, you are getting so fat!
Me: Thanks Aiden
Aiden: You're Welcome.

Ugh.  Altho that is not as bad as last week when he said I was going to "explode and go boom"

FYI  I still fit into my clothes for the most part.

That's VAGINAL!!

This one will make you laugh!