What is Leadership and What is Discipline?

Leadership VS Discipline, are they the same, can they work together, and what exactly do they mean? It's a hot topic in my house lately and frankly probably any household with kids old enough to tell you where they think the bear craps in the woods. Parenting is full of huge grey areas, Hell who am I kidding the damn mess is a grey area!! There is no real black and white manual and over the years it has morphed and changed. As we become more modern with less time and more disconnected from family, its easy to see why we have short cuts and short comings with parenting. What we do today is probably not even a shadow of how things used to be when people didn't have all the modern distraction of today. Families aren't flowing together, instead we are all working against each other and our inner nature to try to make things fit the way we are having it sold to us.  This is were understanding the real definitions of leadership and discipline come into play.

I am going to use the Army standard of leadership(for you my sweet).  The Army defines leadership as:

 “the process of influencing people by providing purpose, direction, and motivation while operating to accomplish the mission and improve the organization.”

 Lets change "people" to spouse/kids and change organization to Family.  So now we are influencing our kids and spouses to improve the family.  That makes a lot of sense.  We don't want outside forces having a stronger influence on it, so we need to make sure we are the ones providing it.  Lets start breaking this down.

Influence is the power to change or effect someone or something: the power to cause changes without directly forcing them to happen.

That's powerful.  Being able to change someone without force.  Basically being such a strong presence that they would want to make the changes and do as you guide them or on the flip side be so turned off they are influenced into the opposite direction.

Purpose is the reason why something is done or used, its the feeling of being determined to do or achieve something.

Influence with purpose, that means having a plan or goal you are trying to get to without force.

Direction is the path or course in which something is moving.

Ok now we are guiding the way down a path toward a goal without forcing people into it.

Motivation is the act or process of giving someone a reason for doing something.

I think with that we can define family leadership as guiding our kids/spouses down a planned path toward an end result while showing them why its such a good idea.  Sounds like a lot of work, but that's what a leader does, works for a common end goal. With a family we are working towards guiding our kids into functioning adults, helping our spouses work out problems and even moving the whole household into a cohesive unit. None of that can be done without a good positive influence.  Everyone is going to run opposite directions otherwise.  You can't force people to like your ideas, you have to show them why your ideas are so good to begin with and you have to be the model of your anticipated end result; IE functioning adult.

I think leadership is probably a GREAT family value to have, providing it's done correctly and people are benefiting and goals are being met.

Now I am going to move onto discipline.  We all say it, do it and suggest it, but what is discipline exactly and how does it play a role in family life?

I believe in most situations when we think of discipline we think of it in the following context:

gaining control by requiring that rules be obeyed and punishing bad behavior.

I think that's a fair representation when we think of disciplining our children. We do something to our kids to make them pay for their infractions and we call it discipline and we call it just.

Lets take a look at the meaning of punish.

To punish is to make someone suffer for a crime or bad behavior.

Yes, your kid breaks the rules you do something to them, spank maybe? Ground them? Take away time from the TV or their game station in an effort to make them suffer for doing bad. This is after all how the American justice system works and they got at all right, right? 

To suffer is to experience pain, something unpleasant or to become worse because of being badly effected by something.

Ouch, that looks nasty. Pain, unpleasantness and being adversely effected.  

Pain is the physical feeling caused by something that hurts the body, its mental or emotional suffering or something that causes or makes trouble for you. 

It's not getting better.  So discipline is the act of causing physical pain or mental suffering for rule breaking. When our children are born has it ever crossed our minds ONCE to purposefully cause them harm?  Have we ever thought that harm would make them great people? Are we great parents when we cause harm to others? 

That's the definition of discipline as we know it to cause change in behavior at the time.  There is another for discipline. 

A way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or orders

That's called self discipline. A behavior you show.  I know being a leader takes self discipline. Always doing the right thing in efforts to influence others to follow in your steps. 

Leadership and discipline have VERY obvious different meanings and quite clearly cannot coexist. Taking the leadership role in your family means showing them what you believe and why its so important, it means giving your family a path and helping them navigate it. Being a disciplinarian means reacting to what you haven't approved and causing harm to get your way and leaving no lesson learned ad learning is not part of discipline.  A good leader doesn't harm his people.

Being a self disciplined leader is clearly optimal, it means standing up to yourself in the face of defeat, failure, and disappointment, being ok with it and driving on with changes in the game plan to get back on path. Its time we all really sat and looked at ourselves and decide what we are lacking and how we can fix it and be better families and be proud of the hard work we put into raising the next generation.  

How to Make Violence an Unacceptable Part of Your Child's Life: Part one

Have you ever yelled at your kids? Spanked them? Isolated them with timeout or grounding? Have you ever put them down by name calling or speaking poorly of them? Perhaps you have fought with your partner in front of your kids or lost your cool and threw some crap, slammed some doors and broke a thing or two.

I will be first to admit I have done a majority of the things on that list as well as been subject to all of them as a child. Growing up being spanked, slapped, yelled at, put down and isolated. I watched my parents fight praying to God they would divorce. I watched my mother fight with partners after the divorce praying it would stop. I was bullied at school. I've been clinically depressed and suicidal in the past.  I've struggled to accept all that has been.

Violence is described as a few things in the English dictionary:

vi·o·lence  (v-lns)n.1. Physical force exerted for the purpose of violating, damaging, or abusing
2. The act or an instance of violent action or behavior.
3. Intensity or severity, as in natural phenomena; untamed force
4. Abusive or unjust exercise of power.
5. Abuse or injury to meaning, content, or intent:
6. Vehemence of feeling or expression; fervor.

When I think of the word violence I also think of the word cruel:

 cru·el  (krl)adj. cru·el·er or cru·el·ler, cru·el·est or cru·el·lest1. Disposed to inflict pain or suffering.
2. Causing suffering; painful.

I have discovered that mainstream accepted modern day parenting as well as the parenting of the recent past is violent and cruel. It is demeaning and damaging. Its starting a cycle that is near impossible to stop.  Its setting our future up for failure. Its sending our kids into a world with the belief that violence and cruelty is acceptable and a part of life. It makes fighting acceptable. It makes conflicts escalate. It makes modern day war.

Anyone who has ever spanked their child can probably think back to the first time. The first time is what makes you do it a second, third, forth and so on until you wonder why it's not working any longer. That first spanking you witness the death of innocence.  Until that first violation your child knew only love. They knew only peace. They knew only protection from you.  That first reaction is one of shock. It's one of pain and uncertainty. Your child probably cried.  They probably panicked.  They probably shook their head in agreement to whatever it was you demanded.  To you this seemed so effective. Then they made the mistake again and because in your head the treatment was so effective you just know they are doing this on purpose to spite you.  You spank again and again and again.  It may become more frequent or it may stay infrequent, but at some point you will see the reaction change. It won't seem as sincere or effective. You will begin to feel you are getting nothing from it. They are no longer learning or don't care to do the right thing based on these interactions.

Maybe spanking isn't your thing. You don't believe in hitting.  So you raise your voice. You yell. You make yourself seen by your child.  Just as with spanking the first time you yell at your child you get the intended reaction. You get tears and you get fear.  You think they fear making that mistake again.  But as usual they will continue to make mistakes, you will continue to yell and things will continue to escalate. at some point your words will no longer be heard. You will feel disrespected by your child and it will be all their fault for purposely being this way because they are just flat out disrespectful.

You child has done something so bad you can't spank or yell.  Neither will work, so you isolate with timeout or grounding(or as so lovingly put when I was growing up "restriction"). You lock your kid away like a prisoner.  They can't go outside, they can't come out of their room.  You take all their things and force them to "think" for a day, a week, a month.  You use whatever imaginary time table parents have that prescribes the right amount of isolation. Just as with the spanking and the yelling the first time you isolate your child you will think it worked. They seemed so tore up, so upset, so regretful of their infraction. And just as before its perceived benefits will fade and you will again feel hopeless as to what actually works.  Your child is willfully ignorant.

So now you have this kid that doesn't care to do the right things, is disrespectful and willfully ignorant. Maybe telling them how awful they are will teach them a lesson. Nothing else works right? Ah, you see a glimmer of reaction.  They look hurt, just as hurt as you feel by all their terrible deeds. Now you are teaching them a thing or two.  Surely calling them all the names they are will force them to respect you.

So now that your ignorant, stupid, disrespectful child knows better, you and your partner have a fight over who knows what. You are both stressed and feeling slighted by each other. You don't feel respected or listened too. Its bad enough your kid doesn't listen right? Maybe you slam some doors. Maybe you throw something? Perhaps you even break things. All of this in frustration because you aren't being heard. Nothing is helping. Nothing is changing.  Too bad you can't spank or ground your partner. Surely that would make a point and teach a lesson or two.

It all seems ugly and violent when you snowball it on paper, doesn't it? Why doesn't it feel that way in life?  We have been made numb to the effects of violence.  We have been taught it's normal and appropriate. We have learned its the usual, this is how people treat each other. It's a way to communicate importance. How many times have you been in public, whether it be driving or shopping and you come across a crappy person?  They cut you off, run into you with their cart?  You shrug it off. Some people!! Often you won't go home and say anything.  Now, how many times has a total stranger been kind to you and you immediately wonder what they are up to or feel uneasy by the random stranger showing kindness. So weird right? Its weird and often feels odd because it is not the normal we are taught on an everyday basis. Many times we will go home and talk about the weirdo at the grocery store trying to get too close for comfort.

But what does all this equate to in our children's lives?  Our own lives?



Stay tuned for Part Two

Will Your Kids Be Proud of You?

I have read so much about parenting the last few years. Studies, opinions, comments, questions, experiences etc.  What I have learned is there isn't necessarily a "right way" to parent as our choices are infinite. I have, however, formed a pretty strong thought on the wrong way to parent a child. I think the world we live in is violent.  I can open a news page and find stories on murder, rape, war, child abuse, animal abuse, theft, assault and so forth. It's easiest to find such stories.  Rarely do people doing good things make the news, perhaps humans are rarely doing good things.  Good things don't get you noticed. Parenting is much the same.  I believe many people parent in anger and violence. Yelling, screaming, hitting, put downs, name calling and the use of isolation. I wonder if hugging a criminal would be more effective then the justice system they float in now.

Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me.  We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.

Things you won't hear an adult say:

"I am so proud my parents had the courage to spank me when I needed it."
"I am so proud to have had my parents yell and scream at me, I learned so much from it."
"I am proud of the way my parents isolated me when I did the wrong thing, thank God for being grounded."
"I am proud my parents denied me affection during the times I was bad. It showed me how to be good." 

Sounds pretty bad. Its a lot like an adult saying they were happy to be raped because it taught them to dress better. Or be happy for divorce because it taught them to love harder. Not a lot of logic to it. I've said it before and I'll just keep saying it, but we don't hit our friends or spouses and expect them to learn.  We don't yell and scream and actually get results.  We don't isolate our families and have them come out feeling great and refreshed.  We don't pull back loving emotions and see change.  No, we do any of that and we see and feel hurt. We experience pain and sadness. We lose trust and respect.

Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18.  We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that.  Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.

While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.

Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.

So parent proudly.  Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.

Compromise should be done with love and humility.

Your Kids Need to Talk Back, and You Should Respect That

Talking back, we did it as kids.  Our kids are doing it to us.  How were you handled?  How do you deal with talking back in your home?  I think the way our parents dealt with it and the way we choose to deal with it will have a direct effect on the way our children interact with us as adults.  We all want kids that grow into confident adults that are not afraid to speak their peace when they do or don't agree with something, right?  We want them to protect themselves against negative comments and to stand up for others when their voice cannot be heard.  What of that meant standing up to you?  Protecting their interests from your thoughts and opinions?  What about protecting themselves from other people in the family or even standing up for a family members choices?  Can you accept that someday your child may need this skill, that someday they may need to put you in your place because your ideas are different?

I don't think any of us wants to think a day will come that we will be told by our own that we are wrong, that we have hurt their feelings or what we taught them as a child doesn't have a positive effect on their now adult life.  Talk about a blow to the ego! But we plan to spend the next 18 or so years as their providers, protectors and teachers.  So the least we can do is give them the skill to stand up to us, their biggest critic, their heroes and their superiors.  And because we are the adults, we should be proud of them for speaking their minds and protecting their interests and well being, even if its protecting them from us.

I think many of us feel torn between being good and kind to our parents and taking crap from them that we would not accept from other people versus just telling them how it is.  How many times have you felt like just telling a family member how it is, but didn't because you were afraid of backlash or punishment?  Maybe you have even felt your values become compromised because you feel like you can't say anything. Lets not set our kids up for this kind of frustration.

Let your kids question you.  Let your kids suggest something different.  Let them express their anger or sadness with you.  There is nothing wrong with taking 5 more minutes to explain your decision to a child who is not on the same level as you.  There is nothing wrong with listening to a suggestion and if warranted  worked into a new solution. It's ok for your kid to cry or be mad because something isn't going their way, don't get mad because they are a kid and should understand.

Accept anything you can within reason.  Just as we would not expect an adult to voice their opinion in a violent or disrespectful way, its fine to teach our kids there are right ways and wrong ways to protest, but protest is acceptable. If you can provide your kids a safe and respectful way to communicate what they don't agree with now, they will be better able to do the same as adults and you will be better prepared to respect that from them. Safe, effective communication cannot happen when one party fears the other.

Now off the soapbox,

I bring this up because as an adult this is an issue I have struggled with.  I speak with people EVERYDAY that cannot stand up for themselves against family or cannot protect those not present to hear.  I think its a tragedy really. I don't ever want to be the person that hurts my  children at any age, but I don't want to be the person that doesn't know because my kids were too afraid to tell me because of the way I raised them.

Teach your kids how to communicate with adults now so they won't feel like children forever around you.

Fear vs Respect

There has been a little post going around Facebook lately about being spanked and surviving it.  It reads as follows:

I have to laugh at people who are against spanking. My parents whipped my butt and I learned the switch dance. I didn't hate them.  I didn't have trust issues with them because of it. I trusted I was in big trouble when I screwed up and did things my way!  I didn't fear them. I feared getting caught doing wrong!  But I sure respected them! I learned what my boundaries were and I knew what would happen if I crossed them. I wasn't abused, I was disciplined. This is why kids now-a-days have no respect for anyone.

I am 100% against physical discipline of children, period.  I do not think it is appropriate to hit something that cannot hit back or defend itself.  A child falls clearly into that category.  I am not saying that spanking your kid should put you in jail for abuse, but I am saying there is a better way.

My husband and I often differ in our opinions on this.  He is from a MUCH different generation than I (hello 22 years age gap) and we often debate the whole fear is respect thing. While we typically parent on the same page and neither of us will hit the kids, it is sometimes a challenge to think on what the best method of teaching a lesson is.

I never ever want my kids to mistake fearing me for having respect for me.  Because it is a very different thing. Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.  Fear is also being afraid of someone or something that is likely dangerous, painful or threatening.  I don't want my kid afraid of doing something wrong because of the punishment.  I don't want them to be afraid to face me when I have to teach a lesson.  Fear can become paralyzing and therefor the child will lose the ability to learn the lesson at hand.  Next time around they are going to try to remember why they aren't supposed to(insert action here) and all they are going to remember is it caused them pain.  Where is the lesson learned?

Respect is the sense of worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability.  It's a condition of being honored. A child being disciplined in a way they understand is more likely to remember that lesson.  They are going to be willing to sit and listen to the reason why they shouldn't do X and then accept the appropriate punishment for it that doesn't involve a physical pain causing fear.  Would you honor someone or hold them in esteem if they caused you pain?

Do you want your child making decisions from fear or respect for the lesson you taught?  Do I want Aiden to look both ways before crossing  the street because if he doesn't I will spank or because he understands he could get killed by a car?  How about not talking to strangers? Throwing rocks?  No I don't want my kid making decisions based on fear of causing him physical pain.

We are not born with adult tendencies.  We are not born knowing how to self sooth or regulate.  These are things that develop with time and coaching.  We do not know all the rules or the consequences of doing wrong at birth.  We must be taught.  Children are born innocent and should not be subject to such harsh punishments during the long learning phase of childhood.  They are doing more than just learning our rules, they are learning about themselves and what their place is in the world.  They are testing boundaries to better understand the natural reactions of them in relation to this world. Because we are adults, it is simply our job to guide and teach with compassion and understanding of what they were not born with,

Children can be very frustrating, but so can adults.  It is not appropriate to spank your office workers for returning late from lunch.  What makes it appropriate to do the same to your child? Do not hit out of frustration because you think you know no other way to fix it.  Your child also needs the time away from the stressful situation to deal with and comprehend what you need to teach.

Have more respect for yourself and your children.  Violence is learned and won't always stop at spanking.

Moments of Motherhood: Sharing

Sharing. One of the first things I think we all try to instill into our children.  We want them to share their toys, their food, their feelings. It's all part of raising a polite child who isn't greedy.  So in the effort to teach our children to share we have to model the perfect sharing behavior 100% of the time, right? Even if that means you have given up half your meal at lunch time all in the effort to set a good example.

Damn, it gets OLD!  Like really old.  I am so sick of sharing.  Sometimes you just want something for yourself and here comes a kid(or sometimes a husband) asking for a bite or a piece or to borrow something and all you want to do is say NO.  But the parent in the back of your head reminds you that if you say no your child is learning that it's okay to be greedy.  Now you just know that just that one time of greed on your part will snowball into your worst nightmare because you just taught your kid that it's A Okay! So I do one of 2 things.  I resentfully say yes and share or I make sure I cannot be seen so no one can ask me to share.

Ya that's rotten I know, but when your sole job as a wife and mother is to give you really get burnt on it sometimes.  Right now my body and my time are given to help maintain my family.  More times then not I am guilty of not giving back to myself so that I can continue to give without feeling resentful sometimes.

I however cannot complain about my child's sharing ability.  He won't bat an eye if I ask him to share.  He always shares with me without ever complaining.  He actually enjoys it.  He will share anything with pretty much anybody.  So ya, I have done that much.

I am still sick of sharing....

Yes, I am that parent.

I am that parent that allows my child to have an opinion.  I let him choose his meals or what portions he prefers to not eat.  I let his interests guide what he wants to do.  Yes, I treat my kid like a person and not thing that should comply simply to be complying to make my life easy. I allow him to express his displeasure(within reasonable limits).  I accept that crying may be his best way to tell me something just isn't working. I let him ask me a million questions, even when I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

My son is 5.  While not an infant, he is still extremely new to this world and was not born knowing all I know. He was not born understanding what is right from wrong.  He was not born with patience or all the answers to his questions.  What he is interested in today, may not do a thing for him tomorrow. Never again will he have the opportunity to be this fresh and new. Right now he wants to explore and learn the world he is growing in.

As a parent it is my job to make sure he grows up safely, morally and educated.  That is my job and not that of rest of the world to teach him in my place.  I do not want my son growing up in a world full of punishments, embarrassments, and "because I said so's".  What does violence teach him? That it is ok for someone bigger and stronger to abuse you and you have to take it? Why would I want to degrade my child with embarrassment as a form of control? And how does "because I said so" teach him what I really need him to understand? There is no education in "punishment", except that of fear of the bigger, stronger and more powerful.  I do not want my son to be compliant from fear.  I want him to do right based on his understanding of the world.

I stand firm with natural consequences. I do not punish for wrong nor do I reward for right. I want him to learn from experience and I want his behavior to be modified in a way that he will understand and respect. If he doesn't want to play in shoes after I insist and he scrapes a toe, he learns that his choice was not the best and he wears shoes next time.  If he doesn't clean his room to standard, then he learns it takes more time before he can do the things he wants to do if it was not done right the first time.  Next time he will be more motivated to make a better choice based on what he experienced.  If I hit or embarrassed him about it next time all he will do is clean or wear shoes based on that fear.  Not based on the real life consequences.  

When he grows up and starts driving I want him doing the speed limit because he knows it's safe, not because he's afraid of getting a ticket.  I want him to help around the house not because he was punished for not helping, but because he understands the importance of team work and responsibility.

Do I spend more time reminding him?  Yes I do.  Do I spend more time talking about bad choices?  Yes, a  lot of time.  Do I repeat myself?  More times than I care to count. But all this repetition is practice and practice makes perfect.  You don't get good at something by doing it once.  You don't memorize things with one passing read.  Children are no different.  They need practice too.

I have days where my patience is put to the test.  I wonder if what I am doing it right.  It often feels so much harder doing things this way, but I never signed up to be a parent with the easy way out in mind. I won't lie, I have moments that I envy someone's compliant child, but I remember that is not what I want for my family.

Please do not mistake my child with that demon you see at Walmart.  He does not have public tantrums or meltdowns.  He has never yelled at me as I do not display that behavior for mimicking. He has never said he hated me, wanted to run away etc.  Yes, I have seen kids his age or younger do this.  He has not hit me, bitten me, or taken off.  I've not given him reason to need self defense. Yes, he cries when something is too much for him or he is experiencing disappointment. But as adults we don't always do a good job hiding our own disappointments 100% of the time. Why should that be expected of a child who is still learning coping skills?

He says "please" and "thank-you" very consistently.  You can go out with him and not have to rush through your meal before he freaks out.  He even orders his own drink and meal.  It's still possible to have a behaved child without the use of corporal punishment believe it or not.

Children are our future.  If we expect to see a world without violence, without greed, without being subject to embarrassing public procedures and so forth, we have to teach them NOW that it is not acceptable, ever.  So as they grow, policy changes because they will know better than to tolerate it.  I don't want my kid to allow himself to be beaten, embarrassed or be subject to policy without explanation because that's what he grew up knowing. I want him to question it and stand up against the person(s) that try to force everyone down because they are in a position of power. I will now allow my son to be compliant from fear.

He stands at the plate with his heart pounding fast; 

The bases are loaded; the die has been cast. 

Mom and Dad cannot help him; he stands all alone. 

A hit at this moment would send the team home. 

The ball nears the plate; he swings and he misses. 

There's a groan from the crowd, with some boos and hisses. 

A thoughtless voice cries, "Strike out the bum!"

Tears fill his eyes; the game's no longer fun. 

Remember - he's just a boy who stands all alone.

So open your heart and give him a break.

For it's moments like this a man you can make.

Keep this in mind when you hear someone forget:

He's just a little boy, not a man yet. 

 ~Author Unknown

Teaching Our Children

When was the last time you spanked or slapped a co-worker for screwing something up at work?  How about the last time you hit your spouse for not doing the dishes or laundry right?  Did you yell at your neighbor last time they didn't mow their lawn on time?  Hey, maybe you even stood your mother in a corner for an unreasonable about of time for forgetting the cheese on her grocery trip.

Why don't we do any of these things to adults?  Simple, it would be considered assault or some kind of abuse.  You would go to jail, even though these people are old enough to fight back and protect themselves. Yet every single day a child is subjected to one or more of these forms of "punishment" because somewhere it was made to be Ok.  It's ok to physically harm little people who have no voice yet in the world for doing something wrong.

I grew up on the receiving end of physical punishment.  As a child things always seem much bigger and worse than maybe they are or perhaps the perception is right on target.  I learned nothing but FEAR and VIOLENCE from these punishments.  I was affected long into adulthood and to this day there are still things that make me flinch, get edgy and uncomfortable.  I will have a life long battle remaining calm in the presence of situations I endured growing up with.

We have had a rough couple of years with Aiden.  Understanding what makes him tick, what he is capable of sorting out himself and what he needs help to reason with.  During that time there has been spankings.  There has been yelling and there has been long time outs.  With every single punishment we felt guilty and we felt we had failed him by not understanding or teaching him what was expected.  Instead he got punished and the behavior we were trying to fix did not change.  So we had a talk about it.  We sorted out why we were feeling bad after an episode and discovered our failures and ultimately the damage that was going to be done by looking back to our childhoods and remembering our own small feelings.

We want Aiden to do the right things not because he fears punishment, but because he has learned that doing the right things are moral.  He needs to know right from wrong, not pain VS no pain.  We he grows up and learns to drive I want him to do the speed limit not because he fears getting a speeding ticket, but because he knows excessive speed can kill or harm himself or others.

The way we handle Aiden now and the way he interacts with us when he does something wrong has changed dramatically.  We understand he is not an adult and it is out job to show and be an example of what adults are.  He is more willing to reason with us and understand why his choices are wrong based on learning, not on fear and punishment.  We cannot expect our children to become adults when we are not giving them the opportunity to act and learn like one.  Hitting them, yelling at them and putting them away in a dark corner will not teach them how to make better choices.  You have to guide them there with patient hands and understanding.

Someday your children will be adults, how do you want them to interact with the world?  Do you want them to fear repercussions from doing the wrong thing?  Or do you want them to know what right is and not have fear of doing the wrong things to make their lives a success?

Dealing with Aiden

My boy is a handful.  He has done everything from peeing on the floor in his room on multiple occasions to the more recent getting a hold of a sharp knife and stabbing holes in his walls at nap time.  He is extremely hyper active, not even being able to sit in a chair to eat without the need to always half stand.  His sleep pattern is horrible which typically leads to a lot of bad days. Daily meltdowns over the smallest things are a regular part of life here. Staying on one task for more than 2-4 minutes takes a serious miracle.

Discipline means nothing to Aiden. Tim out, spanking, taking toys and privileges away.  Forget it.  They don't phase him. He's received a few spankings and I have never seen a kid go right back to doing the bad thing after that.  We decided not to do it again since no effect was made.  He stands in time out with not a care in the world. He doesn't care for toys, so if we take those he doesn't even notice.  We don't have TV or video games, so we don't have that to take away and he's hardly on the computer.

I have so many days that I just feel like I am about to break.  He is the most trying child I have ever been near!  And I have been baby sitting since I was 12.  So we went to the doctor and got  referred to see the mental health center to have him evaluated.  I made the appointment and started researching ADHD and natural alternatives and behavior exercises.  I came across a lot of good ideas and tactics and I also came across some scary things as well.  Like parents who have had their kids removed from their care for not wanting to medicate with a class 2 narcotic.  I had already made my mind up that I wont allow him to be drugged, but the more I searched the more and more I saw this was the way doctors prefer to treat kids.

I cancelled my appointment.  I was already fearful to have Aiden possibly diagnosed with a learning issue like ADHD, but I am even more fearful to have that documented and risk the possibility of it coming back and biting me in ass later. We will already be at risk of government supervision because we are choosing to home school.  The last thing I need to add to that is an unmediated child who is thought to need it by doctor.

Do I sound paranoid, maybe. Is the risk real enough that my fears could come true? Absolutely.  Never underestimate state officials nor the people around you.

So what are we going to do?  I clearly don't want to live day in and day out with a pain in ass kid.  I have found some fantastic herbal allies to start working with.  The first being Lemon Balm.  It is very known for calming the nerves of "hysteric" people, but also know to calm children who just can't stop going.  The second being Catnip(yes I just said that).  A seriously calming plant that induces sleep. And sleep seems to be half of Aiden's issue.  We are also starting a new behavior chart. He earns 10 stars and gets a prize. For now that prize is M&Ms.   He earns a star for every good deed and loses one for every bad thing.  We are starting VERY easy on this. He can earn a star for simply brushing his teeth politely! This way he has a better chance of understanding what is good and bad.  It is a self punishing system where he can see the results right away.

 Just a simple note card sectioned and numbered

He already filled his first card and earned a reward!

SO we are keeping our fingers crossed that we will be able to start managing this without needing to see a doctor.  I have a LOT of research to do yet and I am sure the road will still be bumpy. I am just hoping for a little relief and helping Aiden understand better what we are asking him and relieve some of his anxiety in a peaceful manner.   

It's just hair. Good thing it grows back, right?

I believe all scissor should have the following label:

WARNING! 

 Do not leave this product in the hands of unattended children.

Most will cut their hair.  

I believe it is in the nature of all kids, especially girls, to want to take a good chop at what's on their head.  I think we all really know this and if you let your kid have scissors and you walk away expect to come back to a possible disaster.  Period.  It's your own fault. 

I was dropping Aiden off at school yesterday and one of the little girls in his class had a new hair cut.  It really was quite cute.  So I started to tell her that I liked her new haircut and her mother abruptly cuts me off, puts her hand in my face and says, "Oh NO, don't even go there!  She cut her own hair and I AM NOT HAPPY with her.  She looks ridiculous."

She continued to go on and on about her daughters hair and the poor thing was just standing there with her head hung in shame.  I realize that is probably a frustrating thing for a parent, but damn I am sure that little girl got the Hell punished out of her already.   Why on earth would go about having that kind of fit and ridiculing your child like that in public?  Please, lets give her a complex early. 

I really just felt like saying, "well good thing it wasn't a finger, at least hair grows back."   But I bit my tongue and walked down the hall.   The most disturbing part is she is the lead teacher across the hall.  Glad she's not my sons teacher.  I think I would have looked for a new school.    

I don't want for much.

I don't have any real wants in my life.  I want the things I already have.  I don't have a long list of things I simply cannot live without or that I simply must have.  I don't get bent at the end of the month if I haven't gone vacationing or if I didn't make some big purchase.  I don't go shopping and long for everything on the shelf or make wishlists a mile long.  I really truly have everything I need.  Skip takes care of us and never leaves me needing more at the end of day.

The only wants I truly have are to be home more with Aiden and to have more time with Skip.  At the end of the day those 2 things weigh on me.  I feel like I am missing so much of Aiden. I am missing time to teach him.  I am missing time to love on and enjoy him.  I miss being with Skip everyday.  I miss his smile, his voice and just his closeness.  It's like it is all behind a door I have no key to.  And when I do have a key, I am given timed access to what is behind it.  Then I am dragged away kicking and screaming because there is no way my time is up, but it is.  I have to start a new day to earn what little time I have all over again.  All I want is more time.

I hate being robbed of time by people who don't value it.  I don't like that is it assumed I am like every other selfish woman on this planet.  I don't need hours a day to get away from my child.  I don't want a girl's nite out because I can't stand to be near my husband.  I do not appreciate my needs being thought of as pointless because someone else has it all wrong.  When my time is limited I want to use all if it.  Every last second.

But, my wants are my own and I shouldn't expect anyone to understand that.

The potty

Aiden got here the first part of December and we immediately started to try potty training.  He is 3 and in order for me to consider any kind of preschool he has to be potty trained.  It was pretty much a screaming fight every time we even talked about the potty! Putting him on it just lead to hyperventilation and trauma.  I really started feeling like I was going to get no where.  So then we just put him in regular undies, he just peed and didn't bother to tell us he did and then would have a screaming fit if we put him on the potty.

Then I read an article about 3 day potty training on cafemom.com.  It's main focus was on staying dry rather than using the potty.  So we started trying this on Wednesday.  No more diapers or pull-ups can be used.  Not even at bed time.  Your child has to be aware at all times that they need to stay dry.  

Aiden has been asking to go pee for 3 days now! We've had a couple of night time accidents, but that was really was my fault for not getting up before him.  He gets a high five and lots of praise when ever he goes.  Every time he sees me putting underwear away he says, "Don't pee in the undies!"   I don't even bother getting mad if he has an accident.  I tell him its ok, next time will be better. He has to help clean his mess and he always tells me he is sorry.  LOL.  

So over nite his whole potty outlook has changed. I'm so thankful!