Will Your Kids Be Proud of You?

I have read so much about parenting the last few years. Studies, opinions, comments, questions, experiences etc.  What I have learned is there isn't necessarily a "right way" to parent as our choices are infinite. I have, however, formed a pretty strong thought on the wrong way to parent a child. I think the world we live in is violent.  I can open a news page and find stories on murder, rape, war, child abuse, animal abuse, theft, assault and so forth. It's easiest to find such stories.  Rarely do people doing good things make the news, perhaps humans are rarely doing good things.  Good things don't get you noticed. Parenting is much the same.  I believe many people parent in anger and violence. Yelling, screaming, hitting, put downs, name calling and the use of isolation. I wonder if hugging a criminal would be more effective then the justice system they float in now.

Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me.  We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.

Things you won't hear an adult say:

"I am so proud my parents had the courage to spank me when I needed it."
"I am so proud to have had my parents yell and scream at me, I learned so much from it."
"I am proud of the way my parents isolated me when I did the wrong thing, thank God for being grounded."
"I am proud my parents denied me affection during the times I was bad. It showed me how to be good." 

Sounds pretty bad. Its a lot like an adult saying they were happy to be raped because it taught them to dress better. Or be happy for divorce because it taught them to love harder. Not a lot of logic to it. I've said it before and I'll just keep saying it, but we don't hit our friends or spouses and expect them to learn.  We don't yell and scream and actually get results.  We don't isolate our families and have them come out feeling great and refreshed.  We don't pull back loving emotions and see change.  No, we do any of that and we see and feel hurt. We experience pain and sadness. We lose trust and respect.

Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18.  We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that.  Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.

While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.

Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.

So parent proudly.  Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.

Compromise should be done with love and humility.