The Anxiety Is Setting In

With over a week of sporadic labor, dropping baby, and the super hero cleaning power kicking in, it is safe to say the end is certainly coming quickly and we will be meeting our long awaited miracle.  While I am so very excited, I cannot help but to start having flash backs of my pregnancy, labor and birth with Aiden.  I typically recall his birth as follows:

Water broke at 7 am.  I called my friend to tell her my bladder quit working. Went to the hospital, was treated less than human, felt forced into unwanted interventions, I had bad back labor, a stupid nurse, family that was making me crazy.  Aiden was born at 3:34pm.  My doctor cut me for a baby that weighed less than 6lbs. I spent 3 hours alone after having him when they took him to the nursery.  Had a nurse grab me and shove my son's face into my breast when I asked for help feeding him.  Then had a hysterical drive home with an asswipe ex-husband who thought it was funny to scare me 3 days postpartum.

End story.  The only thing I got from my birth that I planned was a vaginal delivery.  There are a lot of other sad details that play over in my head about that experience that I typically try to push away, I don't share.  But I shared the saddest with my husband the other nite.

I can remember being in transition with the worst back labor.  Stuck because I opted for an epidural due to the pitocin and no actual support from my family.  I had a husband that didn't care, a mother that was running in and out of my room in a panic and a mother-in-law that just sat in a rocking chair knitting a stupid hat. I had a nurse who kept telling me to be quiet.  I was nearly hysterical with emotional grief and pain and all I wanted was for everyone to leave. I didn't feel safe having my son with all these people who clearly didn't care about me.  During a time that I should have felt safe enough to check out of reality and check into the deepest part of me to get the job done, I was forced to remain present and tell myself that I could NOT ask these people to leave.  I had to remember to set up protection for myself AFTER the birth.  I did not want to, nor could I have dealt with the emotional wrath I would have endured from those people if I had just done what I felt.  I was so vulnerable and no one protected me. I was forced into protecting myself from the aftermath that would have come otherwise.  I want to cry just remembering that.  Just knowing that I was truly forced into submission by mental games.

I have felt robbed of being the mother I wanted to be.  My integrity, my ethics, my skills were questioned nearly everyday after Aiden's birth.  My mental ability was questioned.  I was cowed into letting everyone else do what was "best" for my son.  I feel like I lost so much of him for the first 3 years because I didn't step up and take what was mine out of fear of all the retaliation that I felt I would have endured. I cried so many nites in my apartment alone when I didn't have Aiden.  No one would meet me half way.  Help me be a better mother. It still hurts.

Now here I am, ready to have a baby with a man who allows no harm to come to me.  He has taken the time to come to class with me every week to get education on what's going to happen.  To learn how to support me so I can give our child the best start in life.  So I can bond and not feel helpless. Not feel like its a better choice to make everyone else happy above my own needs.

Skip has told me countless times that everything that has happened was never my fault.  That I did the best I could with what I had at the time.  Most the time I believe that, but parts of me still doubt that I did do my best.  I still wonder if I could have done better for myself and for Aiden. I know that things are amazingly different now and that I really have no need to worry about anything.  I am fully protected and fully in control of my parenting.

But looking back makes me feel like I am giving birth for the first time. I really don't know what to expect of myself.  What I am going to feel and how much different this process is going to be as compared to what I dealt with last time.  It scares me to a point.  All I want is peace from this birth.  I want to know I am capable, I am not broken, and that I can be a parent to a helpless infant without people judging and telling me I am doing it all wrong.  I want to be respected as a full grown woman and mother this time around.

Most of all, I want to know that I am strong enough to tell people NO without fearing their hurt feelings and retaliation for not putting them above myself and my family.

The Ending Weeks of Pregnancy

It's been 37 weeks since the beginning of my last loss over Mother's Day.  But it's the beginning of the countdown to bring this new baby into the world.  It doesn't feel like it has been that long.  There has not been much stress with this one either.  No daily worrying over what to expect, if I have all I need.  I've not had to worry about family breathing down my throat and telling me what to do and not to do.  Over all it's been pretty relaxing.

It feels good that in these counted down days my future is not uncertain.  That's how I felt at the end with Aiden.  But not now.  I have a real family and a man that is over the moon about what's about to go down.  It just doesn't get better than that.  I feel really lucky.

The supplies are organized, the birth pool is inflated.  We have a start to the few baby items we need.  The midwife is on call.  Our family is ready to become four.  I am as prepared as I can be for the work it's going to be, my husband is prepared as he can be in how to help me manage it.  The midwife has total confidence that everything is going to be normal.  100% normal.

We did a couple of pregnancy shots last nite.  Something I missed out on the first time around.  I wanted to remember what I looked like this time.  The human body is amazing and pregnancy shows just how amazing it is.  Looking forward to baby photos.

Pregnancy Weight Gain

Please don't hate, but this time around I am the pregnant lady no one wants to hear about this time around.  Sorry, but I feel good and have to brag a little.  I should be having this baby in the next 3-6 weeks and I have only gained 16lbs.  The best part is I just compared my current measurements to my pre-pregnancy measurements and with exception of the belly, they are all the same!

Sorry I just totally had to write that down somewhere because I am kinda in shock.  I have eaten a ton of food, but taken care of myself and I guess doing your best to stay healthy is worth the efforts.

Here's to hoping for an 8lb baby!!

What's in store for 2012

In 2011 Skip and I simply spent the year getting on track and laying the ground work to get some serious business done in 2012.  I believe for the most part we have managed and are hoping to not see any new surprises this year.  Fingers crossed.

The first quarter of this year is going to be VERY busy, new baby and a big move back home.  Both of those things lead right into further plans for the year.  First being having a natural birth being a HUGE requirement to have for the childbirth education program I am planning to become certified for in September. The course is being held in Denver for 3 long days.  I intend to become an active member at the Le Leche League and perhaps a leader at some point.  Also having the baby is going to start me on the track to infant photography.  I've been studying that quite a bit and I hope to be doing that in my spare time.  Even if it's just for fun.   

My off the wall goal that most of you are going to totally cringe at has to do with placentas.  I am going to become a certified encapsulation specialist.  My plans for home birth have brought forward some interesting studies, ideas, and made me think of things that have never crossed my mind.  One of the most profound being the use of our placentas after birth.  http://placentabenefits.info/ is a great place to start when it comes to understanding why consuming it is the best thing for a mother.  Yes, I know you just threw up a little in your mouth.  Sorry.  It makes a lot of sense and I want to be able to offer the service to new moms who just wouldn't be able to do it themselves.  Skip has already agreed to help with mine, but he still turns a little green at the thought.  

Those few things will eventually be laying serious groundwork into becoming an apprentice midwife.  I plan to start taking classes in early 2013.  

Those are personal somewhat business goals I have for myself this year.  As a family we have others.  We have devised a plan to get the majority of the left over debt from the surprises early in 2011 eliminated. We have these set to be eliminated by the beginning of summer! Like I said earlier, 2011 was a serious groundwork laying year.  We can actually see light at the end of the tunnel.  We are also moving forward with family nutrition.  I am currently tracking down things like local eggs and milk for our family when we get back to Colorado. We have discussed highly utilizing the local farmers markets as well as looking for more free range/local meats.  It is going to be impossible to eat perfect, as everything in our country seems to not be processed in a honest way.  All we can hope to do is try to get as close to perfect as possible.  

Aiden's actual homeschooling starts this year.  After much discussion we decided we simply don't feel comfortable sending him to a public school.  Lots of personal reasons for that.  Aiden is certainly a struggle to deal with some days, but we know how we want his education tailored and we are going to be only ones able to do that. 

Skip simply hopes to be getting into a decent unit so he can get some real groundwork laid for promotion. With only a little over 4 years left to go, he also has some decision making on what to do once he gets out. 

The dogs have personal goals of sled pulling and the cat has a goal of becoming an indoor only cat.  We will see how those go.  

I think that is a pretty good summary of what's going down for the Johnson's in 2012.  I of course will keep you all updated and will continue to post somewhat mindless rants on my blog when I feel so inspired!!

Happy New Year.