Moments of Motherhood: Sharing

Sharing. One of the first things I think we all try to instill into our children.  We want them to share their toys, their food, their feelings. It's all part of raising a polite child who isn't greedy.  So in the effort to teach our children to share we have to model the perfect sharing behavior 100% of the time, right? Even if that means you have given up half your meal at lunch time all in the effort to set a good example.

Damn, it gets OLD!  Like really old.  I am so sick of sharing.  Sometimes you just want something for yourself and here comes a kid(or sometimes a husband) asking for a bite or a piece or to borrow something and all you want to do is say NO.  But the parent in the back of your head reminds you that if you say no your child is learning that it's okay to be greedy.  Now you just know that just that one time of greed on your part will snowball into your worst nightmare because you just taught your kid that it's A Okay! So I do one of 2 things.  I resentfully say yes and share or I make sure I cannot be seen so no one can ask me to share.

Ya that's rotten I know, but when your sole job as a wife and mother is to give you really get burnt on it sometimes.  Right now my body and my time are given to help maintain my family.  More times then not I am guilty of not giving back to myself so that I can continue to give without feeling resentful sometimes.

I however cannot complain about my child's sharing ability.  He won't bat an eye if I ask him to share.  He always shares with me without ever complaining.  He actually enjoys it.  He will share anything with pretty much anybody.  So ya, I have done that much.

I am still sick of sharing....

Things won't stop sucking!!!

I am really frustrated with life right now.  My dog killed one of my chickens and now I have to get rid of the other one because she is lonely and I cannot keep Yoshi away from her. He beelines straight for the box and I have to almost beat him off.  This was a project I was really looking forward to. We were going to build the coop this weekend.  Now all bets are off.  It totally sucks.  I had them both so tamed. They would hop out onto my hand and follow me around the yard.

I really knew we would have to watch Yoshi close.  He can't be in the yard most of the day anyways because of other dogs, so it wasn't going to be an issue anyways.  But he knows she is there now and that's that.  It really bums me out.

So my other girl goes to a new home today.  It just sucks.  I really need a break.

Some Advice for the Men

I want to start this off saying two wrongs don't make a right.  And I say that because I am about to do a little trash talking on men here and I don't want to hear the "well more women do men wrong because...." crap.  If you are in a position to not do wrong, then don't. There is no point in going out of your way to make a women miserable, take away her self worth, talk trash etc. Be the bigger man. I am a FIRM believer in doing to others as you wish done to you, no matter how crappy they are doing you. It won't make you a better person or get you ahead by playing their games.  We are all individuals, we have individual relationships with our partners and we cannot base our actions on that of herd mentality.

With that being said, this is going to be a post about the pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding mother.  There will be strong and to some, objectionable language.  Read at your own risk.  These are my opinions based on personal experience and following some of the heart breaking experiences of other women. It needs to be understood, that while in  the public eye men and women are seen as equals as far as careers, jobs, voting etc is concerned, physically and biologically we are not equal or the same.  Men typically have a greater deal of physical strength, the advantage of a consistent hormone flow resulting in near non-existent mood swings based on a complicated chemical cocktails that women otherwise are quite often subject to.

I follow a number of pregnancy, child rearing and breastfeeding groups.  On a daily basis I see terrible things being posted by women that are truly at the end of their ropes because of the way they have been made to feel by their husbands in regards to these matters and sex. I do not believe sex is a by product of a relationship.  It is very clearly plays an important role in a relationship.  It is not something that can just dry up and somehow the relationship stays awesome.  Just not going to happen.  There is clearly a need for intimacy.  Anyone who says otherwise is a fool.  On the other hand, there should be the expectation that at certain points in a relationship things may slow down or maybe even stop on a temporary basis.  The key to this is temporary.  It MUST be accepted and both partners should continue to work together to get back to normal.  Even if that takes time.  Periods of stress, illness, pregnancy and child rearing can all take their tolls.  This should be expected as it is a normal part of life.

I am going to start with men and pregnancy.  Clearly your wife/girlfriend puts out, she's pregnant.  Do not expect her to be banging your brains out with the same kind of urgency or frequency during all 40+ weeks of the pregnancy.  There is a WHOLE host of things going on with her body and her brain.  She may want it more, she may want it less.  The point is, you should respect that.  Morning sickness is not a side effect that just occurs in the morning.  For some it is an all day thing. For others it can happen anytime without warning.  Both of my pregnancies I was sick at nite, usually right before getting into bed. You know what that means?  Ya, most nites he went without during that time. Did I get crap for it?  No, my husband happens to respect my body and the miracle it was preforming. Also, I don't think he wanted me to puke all over our bed.  However I cannot tell you how many stories I have read about women who have husbands that get pissed at them for not working thru it.  Women with hyperemesis gravidarum who cannot stop vomiting have admitted to just laying there and letting their husbands do the deed while forming a hate for the man they love because he could not bother to think without his cock. Growing a baby takes a lot from the woman growing it.  She is subject to bouts of extreme exhaustion, severe hormonal imbalance and straight up periods of feeling helpless, unsexy and maybe even bitter. A pregnant woman is on public display.  She's poked and prodded by her care providers, asked stupid questions by total strangers(and might I add idiots)and is preparing for the most unpredictable day of her life.  Really think about how you want to treat this woman.  She is not a piece of meat for your taking. Give her a break during pregnancy.  She will thank you and not resent you. 

Another HUGE break down point for women is postpartum sex.  Somewhere there is this 6 week rule.  Men seem to believe that after the 6 week check that ensures the uterus is back to shape, the cervix is finally closed and birth control gets talked about, that it's game on and his wife better start putting out. Guess what guys, when you met your wife/girlfriend did you fall in love with her uterus and cervix?  I didn't think so.  Just because those body parts are healed, doesn't mean as a person she is. At 6 weeks your infant is probably still eating around the clock.  It's very tiring.  If your partner had a rough delivery, guess what she could still have a WHOLE host of physical things stopping her from having sex with you.  If she tore or had an episiotomy I can promise you she is still hurting.  And depending on the degree of damage it could take a year or more of healing before she's no longer in pain. Read the comments here from women discussing the issues. Six weeks is not a magic number.  Don't start demanding sex from her just because her uterus and cervix are ready to go.  

Finally, breastfeeding.  You wouldn't think right off that this causes an issue, but oh boy the stories I have come across!! Everything from husbands not allowing their wives to breastfeed because they didn't want to share, being embarrassed, and forcing them to wean at some magic age because they didn't want it to become sexuality gratifying for their wives.  What the Hell guys, are you serious?  If a woman decides that breastfeeding is best for your child, then go with it.  She's doing some things for you in the long run. One, she could be saving your baby's life.  Breastfeeding is linked to lower SID's risks. It forms a chemical bond from the start helping your wife be a better mother as well.  Two, she's saving your bank account. Formula alone will cost you around $3,000 in the first year.  You can also plan on less co-pays as breastfed babies are sick less often.  Further more your kids IQ will be higher, this could save on college costs because maybe he/she will get a scholarship.  Your child will be less likely to need braces as breastfeeding helps develop a healthy pallet for teeth to grow in. Please know your wife is not, I repeat IS NOT getting off while feeding your kid. No matter the age of the child.  She is not addicted to it, she does not prefer it to you. She is simply taking care of the needs of your child in the most natural way possible.  There is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. Her breasts are multifunctional.  She can nourish with them and arouse you with them.  That's a pretty amazing body part if you ask me.

By no means is this meant for all men nor should men read this and think I am saying it's okay for them to get stomped on by their pregnant, postpartum, lactating wife.  No, what I am saying is the road into parenthood is a road in a new direction.  You need to be prepared for things to change a bit. The change does not have to be negative.  It also doesn't have to be permanent, but it's going to occur.  Be a gracious passenger with your wife and you both will grow together.  Hopefully you both had a solid foundation before getting knocked up, if not I would suggest getting one.  Having kids is a surefire way to rip people apart when one or both parties make fools of themselves.

Its heartbreaking to read about women who truly want to be intimate with their partners, but are struggling with these things and being made to feel selfish, inadequate or being accused of loving their kids more. Intimacy doesn't always mean being balls deep.

Fear of Speaking Out Against Doctors

I read a study published in the May issue of Health Affairs that says patients are afraid to speak up about treatment in fear that their doctors would think of them as "difficult". The following is a quote from that study:

   Questioning a physician’s advice or recommendations was perceived by participants as a challenge to authority that most wanted to avoid, for fear of “displeasing” or “disappointing” their physician.

Since when did a physician become a person of authority?  And more important what are they in control of? Your body? Last time I checked I was the person in control of my body.  Why on earth would we view our doctors like this and what can we do to stop this? Why are we so intimidated to say something if we don't understand the treatment or if we really want to decline it? I have a bit of a theory about it.

              Autonomy: a principle of medical ethics according to which a person should respect the rights of other individuals to freely determine their own choices and decisions.

For most of us we are brought up knowing our bodies belong to us.  It is up to us to share it with someone special. No one is allowed to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, right?  No one EXCEPT the doctor, that is.  That one single "rule" about personal touching completely throws out one's right to autonomy.  That is very scary as a child.  I remember this very conversation with my mom.  At 14 I was having horrible periods and one time the pain and bleeding was so crippling she took me to the ER where I was then told I would have a PAP done.  I was not asked, I was not warned by the doctor that he was touching me.  No, I was just laid back, put into stirrups and had the most horrifying procedure done to me that I could ever imagine and that was A OK! It was a doctor, they have the right. Period.

When was the last time you were at a doctor and they asked you for permission to put their hands on your body?  I don't care what part, you ear, a leg or an arm.  Were you asked or did they just go ahead?  Would you have allowed someone from the street do this to you?  What is your response when someone touches you or your child without invitation?  It can be pretty violating, can it not? Leaves you feeling uneasy.  Maybe your child has a moment of confusion or panic.

My midwife ASKED me before she put her hands on me, EVERY TIME.  It didn't matter what she was touching, my leg, my arm or my belly.  She waited for me to give her permission to be in contact with my body.  She gave me the control.  I was never afraid of her.  Never afraid to ask questions.  Not afraid to disagree if I ever thought I needed to.  Not once. I am thankful for that experience. When a doctor doesn't ask, they TAKE from you.  They take your control.  They become the power over your body and that makes it harder to question what is being done.

This must stop.  In all practices, family, pediatrics, OB/GYN, you name it.  It must stop.  If your child is too young to speak for themselves the doctor should be asking you for permission.  I can think back to a case a couple years ago of a pediatric doctor charged with many counts of child molestation and rape.  Those kids were probably also taught that is was okay for a doctor to touch them, but only the doctor.

Teach your kids that NO ONE, not even a doctor may touch them without permission.  Period.  You should also start taking back control on the office by asking your doctor to acquire permission before touching you in anyway. The doctor/patient relationship should be one of mutual respect.  It cannot be so if you are not being respected in this way.  I believe this is the only way to become empowered in making your medical decisions with you doctor.  It is also the best way for your doctor to gain respect for your body and what you are ok with doing to it. Period.

We all have a right to autonomy, demand it. Your doctor is absolutely not a figure of authority.  They are a health mentor.  There to help monitor your health and that of your family.  They are supposed to give you information so you can make an educated and FULLY informed decision based on what they tell you.  You should not be told what to do, rather included in a treatment plan. No matter how minor it is.

My Placenta Encapsulation

***WARNING!!!  This post contains graphic images of a human placenta.  Please do not continue if you find this to be out of your personal realm of comfort!!!***

Placenta what? you ask. Placenta encapsulation is the process of dehydrating the placenta to be ground into powder, placed into capsules and consumed by the mother. Yes, I am talking about placentophagy.  Why on earth would anyone want to practice this, you ask? A few very good biological reasons to start.  For starters all land born mammals(except camels for some odd reason)consume the placenta of their young.  It is not to hide the fact that the birth occurred, as the animal would also have to eat all the dirt and what not around it to hide that fact. It is believed and had been researched to help hormonal balance after birth, provides iron that is lost during bleeding and increases milk production due to the hormonal properties.  This is practiced by many cultures world wide.

So why did I do it?  I hadn't intended on it actually.  I knew I was having a home birth, but I was concerned with the placenta.  I was starting to feel like it was wasteful to throw out an organ that I grew along side my baby.  So I started researching things to do with it.  I did not want to plant a tree with it as the house we were in was not ours and we were to be leaving it soon after the birth.  I certainly was not eating it raw or in any kind of stew!! So I embarked on research mission to learn to do it myself.  

Did it help me?  Yes.  My milk production was out of this world.  I had more energy.  I healed faster and I haven't had a hint of the blues or depression.  All things I struggled with when I had my first baby.  I still have some capsules and if I feel like I need a boost I take a few and it works wonders.  My milk production kicks up within 12 hours and whatever cruddy feeling I was having passes and I feel good again.  At almost 12 weeks postpartum I still feel bad days coming on.  I feel like its a great answer in my bag of tricks to pull thru the hardest months.  I wish I would have known about it with my first one.  

So with all that said I am actually getting ready to start a class to become a certified encapsulation specialist.  I am going to share the experience and process with my own here.

This is my placenta about 48 hours after Fiona was born:

At this point the cord is still attached

I did not keep the cord.  I have read a few stories where it was kept as a momento. I'm good without it.

you can see where the arteries went in

I rinsed it off really well in the sink removing excess blood and clots.  Then I wrapped the membranes around it.  Fetal side out.

This is what it looks like inside the steamer basket(which was ruined, FYI)

Traditional Chinese method requires lemon and ginger in the water for steaming.

I steamed it for about 20 minutes on each side, stabbing with a fork to ensure it was bled.  When it was done I took it off the steamer.  There was little to no smell while doing this, I promise!!  It was less than half the size it started as by this point. The flaky looking stuff is the membranes that it was wrapped in.

I then sliced it very thin and put it in my dehydrator. 

I left it overnite, about 8 hours total to dehydrate. It is EXTREMELY hard when dry, I'm talking concrete hard here. 

I broke it up into small pieces and put into a mini food processor.  It sounds like rocks being ground.  Ultimately I ended up using a mortar to grind it all down fine because the processor just wasn't doing it. I will say there is a slight smell of blood during this process.  It was not unpleasant, just there. 

I used a capsule machine to put all the powder into the gel caps.  I opted to use size 0 as they are smaller than the 00.  I do not like swallowing large pills.  I ended up with 118 of these.  Because they were smaller than stander I took 3-4 a day for a couple weeks when I was feeling bad.  You cannot taste them at all.  

I really enjoyed doing this and I am so thankful my placenta didn't end up as medical waste.  Now to get certified!! 

 

Yes, I am that parent.

I am that parent that allows my child to have an opinion.  I let him choose his meals or what portions he prefers to not eat.  I let his interests guide what he wants to do.  Yes, I treat my kid like a person and not thing that should comply simply to be complying to make my life easy. I allow him to express his displeasure(within reasonable limits).  I accept that crying may be his best way to tell me something just isn't working. I let him ask me a million questions, even when I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

My son is 5.  While not an infant, he is still extremely new to this world and was not born knowing all I know. He was not born understanding what is right from wrong.  He was not born with patience or all the answers to his questions.  What he is interested in today, may not do a thing for him tomorrow. Never again will he have the opportunity to be this fresh and new. Right now he wants to explore and learn the world he is growing in.

As a parent it is my job to make sure he grows up safely, morally and educated.  That is my job and not that of rest of the world to teach him in my place.  I do not want my son growing up in a world full of punishments, embarrassments, and "because I said so's".  What does violence teach him? That it is ok for someone bigger and stronger to abuse you and you have to take it? Why would I want to degrade my child with embarrassment as a form of control? And how does "because I said so" teach him what I really need him to understand? There is no education in "punishment", except that of fear of the bigger, stronger and more powerful.  I do not want my son to be compliant from fear.  I want him to do right based on his understanding of the world.

I stand firm with natural consequences. I do not punish for wrong nor do I reward for right. I want him to learn from experience and I want his behavior to be modified in a way that he will understand and respect. If he doesn't want to play in shoes after I insist and he scrapes a toe, he learns that his choice was not the best and he wears shoes next time.  If he doesn't clean his room to standard, then he learns it takes more time before he can do the things he wants to do if it was not done right the first time.  Next time he will be more motivated to make a better choice based on what he experienced.  If I hit or embarrassed him about it next time all he will do is clean or wear shoes based on that fear.  Not based on the real life consequences.  

When he grows up and starts driving I want him doing the speed limit because he knows it's safe, not because he's afraid of getting a ticket.  I want him to help around the house not because he was punished for not helping, but because he understands the importance of team work and responsibility.

Do I spend more time reminding him?  Yes I do.  Do I spend more time talking about bad choices?  Yes, a  lot of time.  Do I repeat myself?  More times than I care to count. But all this repetition is practice and practice makes perfect.  You don't get good at something by doing it once.  You don't memorize things with one passing read.  Children are no different.  They need practice too.

I have days where my patience is put to the test.  I wonder if what I am doing it right.  It often feels so much harder doing things this way, but I never signed up to be a parent with the easy way out in mind. I won't lie, I have moments that I envy someone's compliant child, but I remember that is not what I want for my family.

Please do not mistake my child with that demon you see at Walmart.  He does not have public tantrums or meltdowns.  He has never yelled at me as I do not display that behavior for mimicking. He has never said he hated me, wanted to run away etc.  Yes, I have seen kids his age or younger do this.  He has not hit me, bitten me, or taken off.  I've not given him reason to need self defense. Yes, he cries when something is too much for him or he is experiencing disappointment. But as adults we don't always do a good job hiding our own disappointments 100% of the time. Why should that be expected of a child who is still learning coping skills?

He says "please" and "thank-you" very consistently.  You can go out with him and not have to rush through your meal before he freaks out.  He even orders his own drink and meal.  It's still possible to have a behaved child without the use of corporal punishment believe it or not.

Children are our future.  If we expect to see a world without violence, without greed, without being subject to embarrassing public procedures and so forth, we have to teach them NOW that it is not acceptable, ever.  So as they grow, policy changes because they will know better than to tolerate it.  I don't want my kid to allow himself to be beaten, embarrassed or be subject to policy without explanation because that's what he grew up knowing. I want him to question it and stand up against the person(s) that try to force everyone down because they are in a position of power. I will now allow my son to be compliant from fear.

He stands at the plate with his heart pounding fast; 

The bases are loaded; the die has been cast. 

Mom and Dad cannot help him; he stands all alone. 

A hit at this moment would send the team home. 

The ball nears the plate; he swings and he misses. 

There's a groan from the crowd, with some boos and hisses. 

A thoughtless voice cries, "Strike out the bum!"

Tears fill his eyes; the game's no longer fun. 

Remember - he's just a boy who stands all alone.

So open your heart and give him a break.

For it's moments like this a man you can make.

Keep this in mind when you hear someone forget:

He's just a little boy, not a man yet. 

 ~Author Unknown

Postpartum Beauty

I know it is very hard for women to love their bodies after baby comes.  It's one thing to have pudge here and there while pregnant because it's expected, but after that baby comes out it better be all gone, right?  There is a whole closet full of clothing that you are dying to get back into.  If you had a spring baby its even more important you get it off because swim suite season is coming.  The list of postpartum body expectations is endless and adds that much more stress to a new mom.  New mom bodies are gorgeous! They are rounded and developed in ways that only a woman who has given birth can lay claim to.

It takes near a year to gestate a human life. A year of emotional and physical changes. For me, both of my pregnancies have been the fastest months of my life.  One day you are squealing over the second line on that test and almost overnite you welcoming a new person into the world. After the baby comes though, we stop counting our weeks.  We start counting the baby's weeks.  The attention shifts from pregnant beauty to postpartum horror.  Not enough time is spent on looking at the wonders left behind on a new mother's body.

Yes, you have excess weight. Fat. Pudge. Cellulite. Whatever you want to call it, its there.  And it might be there to stay for a bit.  Your body gained that for a reason.  You need healthy reserves to feed your baby. Your body will draw from this foundation of fat reserves whenever it needs for the health of your baby.The average woman NEEDS 21-32% body fat to function normally(and that's non pregnant).  This is the body's way of ensuring the health of the next generation.  Don't fret if the extra pounds stick around a while, it's a simple insurance policy.  You didn't gain it overnite.  It's going to take time to lose it.  Enjoy your curves.

You've got stretch marks? That's ok! Yes they may seem red and purple and horrid right now, but they will lighten and always be a reminder of the journey you and your baby had.  No one else can share those with you.  They are are yours.  Every mark is different and unique.  There is a beautiful poem featured on Birth Without Fear about stretch marks.  It may take you time to love them, but you will with time. Don't feel ashamed, or hide.  Your husband won't find them ugly either.  They will serve as reminder to him about what your body did to provide a child to your family. I promise you that.

You've got awesome boobs!! They are probably the biggest they have ever been.  Maybe not so awesome for some (like me).  But they are doing wonderful things 24/7 to nourish your new bundle. They make food perfectly.  They comfort, they sooth, they are amazing.  Breasts are probably the easiest thing to get used to after baby.

Your body will absolutely NEVER be the same as it was before pregnancy.  Period.  I won't even try to sugar coat that.  But it doesn't mean your body is bad, worse than before or something to feel embarrassed or ashamed of.  Your body should be envied because it did something that is truly magical and life changing.  You are a mother now, maybe for the first time or the 5th time.

Motherhood is HARD work.  It's physically and mentally demanding.  There is a lot to worry about, things to do and at times you will be a crazy ball of stress and emotions. Don't let postpartum body issues be one of those things you feel you need to worry about.  You are beautiful with your extra weight, stretch marks, crazy breasts and anything else you worry about.  Don't compare yourself to rich and famous moms who use their bodies to make money. Shape wear is uncomfortable! Plus, think of the amount of stress they put themselves under, do you really want to live like that?  I didn't think so.