I have a big over sized coffee mug of Rice Krispies with some sugar in front of me. At 30 weeks pregnant and not much of an appetite still, it's one of the few things that really tastes good. It's my lunch many days. There are pieces of taco shell smashed into the carpet from the table all the way up the stairs. Fiona and Phoebe half playing and half eating them before nap time. Which it appears Phoebe has gone down, but Fiona is still protesting some. I am hoping she hasn't taken her diaper off and peed in the crib again as a form of protest. I am considering duct tape as a possible problem solver here. My kitchen floor is sticky where Phoebe was painting with her sippy cup, can't wait for new ones I know are coming for Christmas.
Many days I would imagine my life looks like a total disaster from the outside. Kids running and screaming. Getting into things and making messes bigger than life. I probably seem overly permissive about it all. But really what's to be up tight about? I won't always have toddlers running a muck or an obnoxious 8 year old that likes to instigate things either. I will not always be this busy with them and I know someday I will have time for other things(like cleaning more). For now almost everything I do revolves around the care of my family, three kids, a husband and a pending birth. Many days caring for me comes sometime at the end of the evening or not at all. That's really ok. So many times they need me more than I need me and I am happy to be there.
My kids and husband teach me a lot. Sometimes I am a hard learner and I long for things to be simpler and to require less thought, but they are building me just as much as I am helping to build them. It's no easy task and I have days where I am dying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my tunnel is still quite long!
My dear Aiden is teaching me to not look at and judge someone from where they come from. It's the hardest thing to do and so easy to just compare and look for solutions based on that. But I am learning to look past so much. He is teaching patience and to strive to understand things I normally would not bother with. He teaches me to try harder and to try gentler than I am used to. I have spent so much time beating myself up over Aiden and the things I should have done or could have done only to realize non of it matters. He has taught me to be a little easier on myself and give some grace when needed.
Fiona is a teacher of self control. As in the ONLY control one has is over themselves. You simply cannot control another human. She teaches me compromise. Fiona teaches me everyday to not sweat the small stuff. She has shown me not to cry over spilled milk or smashed in food. Not to worry about wall coloring, whether it be crayons, marker or peanut butter. It all washes off, sometimes with a little more elbow power than not. Fiona has made me ever thankful to the inventor of the vacuum cleaner.
Phoebe, while still small has a very powerful lesson she reminds of every single day. Many many times a day. No matter what you are doing you are never too busy to stop, reconnect and love the ones around you. Almost without fail every task I set upon she stops me to be held, hugged and kissed. Sometimes its just moments before she is off to make a mess with Fiona. Other times it takes so long I forget what I was doing as I listen to her babble at me and rest her head on my shoulder. Ignoring her is not an option. Slow down mom, come back to earth is her message. Turn off your phone, your computer. Put down the laundry or dishes. It can wait. You are needed here and now. It's hard to not just ask for 5 more minutes or try to cut short the time she needs in favor of actually getting something done, but I am reminded that one day she won't be asking me for this extra attention and I will be looking for it. Relationships are most important. Phoebe already knows this.
My husband. He has probably taught me more things in the 7 years I have known him than I can count. I always feel challenged by him in both positive and negative ways. But those challenges make me think and find better ways to respond. Much like Aiden, he forces me to stop and get onto a different level and think about the other side. Many times I do not enjoy it, but seeing it is helpful. I have learned that just because I take a higher road doesn't mean everyone is going to follow suite. I am learning when to keep quiet in matters that I feel strongly about because sometimes it benefits no one to speak up about it. There are many times that I find him to be the hardest part of my day, but despite that the frustration, it is not permanent and I have learned to forgive and not hold a grudge. He has shown me that no matter how old you are, there is no such thing as perfection and we are all going to fall short of someone else's expectations and there isn't any shame in that.
Marriage and family are hard work, but it's not without joy and happiness. I don't earn a paycheck, but what I do earn cannot be measured in monetary value. When naps don't happen or I have been pushed to my limits, I question what I am doing. I wonder what it would all be like if I hadn't signed up. Where would I be, what would I be offering this world? When I wake up rested I always remember those are such silly thoughts when my kids smile at me first thing in the morning. When my husband gets home to change and kisses me. There really isn't anywhere else I would rather be, but managing all this craziness everyday.
Showing posts with label Home Happenings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Home Happenings. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Growing Up Sick: Her Illness
This post is a pre-story to my feelings on being diagnosed with a disease that will more than likely never go away and get worse as I age. To understand why I feel the way I feel I have to go back to the way I grew up and the only experience I have with chronic illness, my mother's.
I remember she always bought caffeine free soda, didn't drink coffee or eat chocolate. If she did get chocolate at the grocery store it was always white. I asked one time why she did these things and she told me it was because she had a heart problem. Something called mitral valve prolapse. She said caffeine would make her heart beat too fast and it could make her very sick. That is my earliest memory of her illness that I would later discover in my adulthood to be a propagated lie. Caffeine and chocolate are now a staple of her life as she claims the prolapse went away.
Her illness really set in and took hold of our lives while our family was stationed in Hawaii in the early/mid 90's and she started going to the hospital by ambulance on what seemed to be a regular basis( I was about 11 at this point). One of my most vivid and scary memories of this time was when my dad picked my brother and I up from school and took us to see her at the hospital. He told us they had to do a procedure where they cut open her leg and because of that she now had a wooden leg(thanks dad, scared the crap out of us). The procedure was a cardiac catheterization, something she would go on to have more times than I can count through out the life of her problems. It was at that point she started seeing a doctor more and more and she became more and more angry at them for not diagnosing her with something more serious than panic attack syndrome. She was absolutely convinced she had a major heart issue and no one was paying attention. Our family suffered a great deal due to her delusions.
When we moved back state side to Colorado mom and dad divorced and we went on to struggle through her issues. For a while it appeared to calm down and take a back seat to her needing to get straight enough to support my brother and I, but once it returned it came back with a very scary vengeance. It became a heart problem mixed with a very serious mental disorder that left my brother and I fending for ourselves and me dodging accusations of all kinds. Doctors continued to hold to their claim of panic attack disorder and she continued to fight them on it. They put her on medication that she would take and then walk around the house acting as if she was hallucinating and seeing dead people. She would have to call in to work and recover from each episode. The ambulance would continue to show up every time she had chest pains and was having a "heart attack".
At some point she became obsessed with how she looked. She began smoking and taking large amounts of diet pills. Dropping weight quite rapidly. She began dating someone new before quitting her current relationship. He found out and put us out of his house. Again, the health issues toned down as she needed to get her life back in order and didn't want to scare off her new love interest. Once he was hooked it all started again. She continued to get thinner and thinner, she smoked more and more and was buying diet pills, shakes and foods like her life line. She was hardly even eating actual food at dinner time.
I was 17 years old when her first major heart incident happened that landed her in the ICU. She tells everyone it was a heart attack, yet non of us actually heard those words from her doctor's mouth. I have absolutely no idea how many times after this we were in the hospital, how much work she lost and how much of her story was a lie. She wasn't quite 40 and the story she always told was," I always knew I was going to have a heart attack by the time I was 40." She has maintained this belief until this day and tells everyone the doctors failed her by diagnosing her with panic disorder.
I've been blamed for her "heart attack", I was called insensitive when I stopped falling for the made up issues and unwarranted hospital visits. She's managed 3 surgeries for a pace maker, countless ER visits, being kicked out of one of the best cardiac clinics in town and has sucked countless people into her plight. She's claimed to have had "mini strokes" on a number of occasions, although we have never heard these words from doctors. Her job has made up positions for her to fill over the years when she had FMLA status and was always missing work. Why she was never let go I will never understand. I have been pulled back and forth like a rag doll and finally cut loose from her games for not buying it. Often I am now the last to know when she's been hospitalized.
Looking over this and I realize this is a minuscule peek into the world of illness I have lived with her for more than 15 years. I've lost more memory of the things that have occurred to make space for the new than I can ever think to go back and retrace. But it all has left a lasting effect on the way I view illness in myself and others. Often I struggle with self acceptance and feeling sympathetic to those who are struggling with an illness they may have no say over. I am often numbed and angered by chronic illness. My life was shredded by something fabricated and self inflicted for a very long time and I still deal with its lingering effects.
I remember she always bought caffeine free soda, didn't drink coffee or eat chocolate. If she did get chocolate at the grocery store it was always white. I asked one time why she did these things and she told me it was because she had a heart problem. Something called mitral valve prolapse. She said caffeine would make her heart beat too fast and it could make her very sick. That is my earliest memory of her illness that I would later discover in my adulthood to be a propagated lie. Caffeine and chocolate are now a staple of her life as she claims the prolapse went away.
Her illness really set in and took hold of our lives while our family was stationed in Hawaii in the early/mid 90's and she started going to the hospital by ambulance on what seemed to be a regular basis( I was about 11 at this point). One of my most vivid and scary memories of this time was when my dad picked my brother and I up from school and took us to see her at the hospital. He told us they had to do a procedure where they cut open her leg and because of that she now had a wooden leg(thanks dad, scared the crap out of us). The procedure was a cardiac catheterization, something she would go on to have more times than I can count through out the life of her problems. It was at that point she started seeing a doctor more and more and she became more and more angry at them for not diagnosing her with something more serious than panic attack syndrome. She was absolutely convinced she had a major heart issue and no one was paying attention. Our family suffered a great deal due to her delusions.
When we moved back state side to Colorado mom and dad divorced and we went on to struggle through her issues. For a while it appeared to calm down and take a back seat to her needing to get straight enough to support my brother and I, but once it returned it came back with a very scary vengeance. It became a heart problem mixed with a very serious mental disorder that left my brother and I fending for ourselves and me dodging accusations of all kinds. Doctors continued to hold to their claim of panic attack disorder and she continued to fight them on it. They put her on medication that she would take and then walk around the house acting as if she was hallucinating and seeing dead people. She would have to call in to work and recover from each episode. The ambulance would continue to show up every time she had chest pains and was having a "heart attack".
At some point she became obsessed with how she looked. She began smoking and taking large amounts of diet pills. Dropping weight quite rapidly. She began dating someone new before quitting her current relationship. He found out and put us out of his house. Again, the health issues toned down as she needed to get her life back in order and didn't want to scare off her new love interest. Once he was hooked it all started again. She continued to get thinner and thinner, she smoked more and more and was buying diet pills, shakes and foods like her life line. She was hardly even eating actual food at dinner time.
I was 17 years old when her first major heart incident happened that landed her in the ICU. She tells everyone it was a heart attack, yet non of us actually heard those words from her doctor's mouth. I have absolutely no idea how many times after this we were in the hospital, how much work she lost and how much of her story was a lie. She wasn't quite 40 and the story she always told was," I always knew I was going to have a heart attack by the time I was 40." She has maintained this belief until this day and tells everyone the doctors failed her by diagnosing her with panic disorder.
I've been blamed for her "heart attack", I was called insensitive when I stopped falling for the made up issues and unwarranted hospital visits. She's managed 3 surgeries for a pace maker, countless ER visits, being kicked out of one of the best cardiac clinics in town and has sucked countless people into her plight. She's claimed to have had "mini strokes" on a number of occasions, although we have never heard these words from doctors. Her job has made up positions for her to fill over the years when she had FMLA status and was always missing work. Why she was never let go I will never understand. I have been pulled back and forth like a rag doll and finally cut loose from her games for not buying it. Often I am now the last to know when she's been hospitalized.
Looking over this and I realize this is a minuscule peek into the world of illness I have lived with her for more than 15 years. I've lost more memory of the things that have occurred to make space for the new than I can ever think to go back and retrace. But it all has left a lasting effect on the way I view illness in myself and others. Often I struggle with self acceptance and feeling sympathetic to those who are struggling with an illness they may have no say over. I am often numbed and angered by chronic illness. My life was shredded by something fabricated and self inflicted for a very long time and I still deal with its lingering effects.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Motherhood, The Most Thankless Job
At 12 AM she woke up. It was expected, she always wakes 12 to eat and goes back to sleep until 4. At 12 AM she woke up and didn't go back to sleep. I watched the clock hit 1. She still would not sleep. 3 AM and we were still awake together. Both unhappy, both desperate for relief. At 5 AM time started to feel like it was standing still, both of us crying. By 7 she could no longer stand it and fell asleep fitfully. So I laid her down and closed the door.
My kitchen a disaster from the nite before. Not having the energy to clean it up makes for a crappy feeling the next morning when you really don't have the energy, but I did it. The other one will be up soon and I will need to have room to make breakfast. It's quiet for the first time in about 8 hours, so I take advantage and work on a project that is taking too long to finish, I don't have time usually to work on it. The kids keep me busy. Tears streaming down my face as I try to push down how tired I am and take joy in some peace and quiet. I don't get many moments like this.
Every day I live my life for 3 little people. I chase them around to pick up after them and stop near disasters. I kiss boo boos and sooth sad hearts. I change more diapers than I like to think about and wash more laundry than I believe I have. I prepare food that so often ends up all over the floor and vacuum it all up when its said and done. I spend endless hours picking up, holding, carrying and moving kids.
There is no 10 minute break or 30 minute lunch to reset. No quiet bathroom breaks or down time. The hours just blend into another and time doesn't exist until the end of day when its time to usher everyone off to bed and I hope I might sleep that nite. Time I hope I might have to connect with my husband as we have so very little to do so. Its the heavy thinking time that I take a look around and try to remember what I did all day. I wonder how the house got so torn apart. I look at the clock and think about how lovely it would be to just sit down and stop, but there is too much still to do and I cannot check out just yet.
At the end of a mother's day there is rarely a Thank-You. Being a mother just is. You just do it day in and day out. There is no pay raise, no vacation. There are no quarterly reviews or awards handed out. I am always left wondering if there is something I could have done better, done more of. Did I make the most of my time? So often I feel like there isn't much to show for it.
I sit here typing as two girls are actually sleeping at the same time. I don't dare lay down myself because I know how terrible I will feel when I am forced to wake up. There are toys and Cheerios from the front door to the kitchen. There are coats and clothes all over the couch and dishes in the sink. Laundry in the dryer, diapers in the wash. I don't know where to start. I think about the bag of crochet projects I have started, but cannot find the time to finish. The books I want to read that I simply cannot get to. I cannot help but think of the special ingredients in my pantry that go unused for recipes I wanted to make, but settle for less at the end of the day because I cannot do anymore.
When my day is through no one will thank me for a job well done. No one will congratulate me on the efforts I put forth raising my kids. No one will recognize the sacrifice it is to be a parent. I will just continue on with the millions of other mothers who find themselves struggling to just get to the end of day only to start a new day in just a few hours. I will remind myself of the amazing people I am raising and that this is not all for nothing. I will tell myself and hear my husband remind they won't always be this small while I rock the baby back to sleep for the 4th or 5th time. I will be reminded that someday I will miss these days. I will hold onto the hope that I am doing a good enough job now that someday they will thank me for choosing to stay and be with them while they were young. Thank me for being their mom.
Today my job is thankless, but maybe tomorrow it won't be.
My kitchen a disaster from the nite before. Not having the energy to clean it up makes for a crappy feeling the next morning when you really don't have the energy, but I did it. The other one will be up soon and I will need to have room to make breakfast. It's quiet for the first time in about 8 hours, so I take advantage and work on a project that is taking too long to finish, I don't have time usually to work on it. The kids keep me busy. Tears streaming down my face as I try to push down how tired I am and take joy in some peace and quiet. I don't get many moments like this.
Every day I live my life for 3 little people. I chase them around to pick up after them and stop near disasters. I kiss boo boos and sooth sad hearts. I change more diapers than I like to think about and wash more laundry than I believe I have. I prepare food that so often ends up all over the floor and vacuum it all up when its said and done. I spend endless hours picking up, holding, carrying and moving kids.
There is no 10 minute break or 30 minute lunch to reset. No quiet bathroom breaks or down time. The hours just blend into another and time doesn't exist until the end of day when its time to usher everyone off to bed and I hope I might sleep that nite. Time I hope I might have to connect with my husband as we have so very little to do so. Its the heavy thinking time that I take a look around and try to remember what I did all day. I wonder how the house got so torn apart. I look at the clock and think about how lovely it would be to just sit down and stop, but there is too much still to do and I cannot check out just yet.
At the end of a mother's day there is rarely a Thank-You. Being a mother just is. You just do it day in and day out. There is no pay raise, no vacation. There are no quarterly reviews or awards handed out. I am always left wondering if there is something I could have done better, done more of. Did I make the most of my time? So often I feel like there isn't much to show for it.
I sit here typing as two girls are actually sleeping at the same time. I don't dare lay down myself because I know how terrible I will feel when I am forced to wake up. There are toys and Cheerios from the front door to the kitchen. There are coats and clothes all over the couch and dishes in the sink. Laundry in the dryer, diapers in the wash. I don't know where to start. I think about the bag of crochet projects I have started, but cannot find the time to finish. The books I want to read that I simply cannot get to. I cannot help but think of the special ingredients in my pantry that go unused for recipes I wanted to make, but settle for less at the end of the day because I cannot do anymore.
When my day is through no one will thank me for a job well done. No one will congratulate me on the efforts I put forth raising my kids. No one will recognize the sacrifice it is to be a parent. I will just continue on with the millions of other mothers who find themselves struggling to just get to the end of day only to start a new day in just a few hours. I will remind myself of the amazing people I am raising and that this is not all for nothing. I will tell myself and hear my husband remind they won't always be this small while I rock the baby back to sleep for the 4th or 5th time. I will be reminded that someday I will miss these days. I will hold onto the hope that I am doing a good enough job now that someday they will thank me for choosing to stay and be with them while they were young. Thank me for being their mom.
Today my job is thankless, but maybe tomorrow it won't be.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
New Year 2014
Happy New Year! I am a few days late, but I have good reason. I hope everyone has set "resolutions" they can stick by and be proud of at the end of this year which will no doubt go as fast as 2013. We typically do not set any resolutions, as goals can be set and met at any time during the year. This year though is a little different. We did decide on some pretty significant things we needed to get serious about and decided to just go ahead and use January 1 as a start date. Skip's retirement is 2 1/2 years away and will be here before we know or are ready for it. We basically have 3 areas of focus: finances, clutter and health.
With retirement in just 2 1/2 years away decided to get serious about living on a reduced budget and be prepared for less frivolous spending. We have a few bills to pay off. That will be easy to get done. We decided we needed to be in a habit of less spending simply because we have a house in Virginia that Skip purchased as a fixer upper. He lived in it for less than a year before being stationed in Korea and then being sent to Colorado. By the time we actually move into it he will have owned it for 10 years without having really fixed up anything. We have a lot of work ahead and its going to cost a lot of money. So we have just decided to set forth a serious plan of action to prepare for that. Maybe should have thought about it a while ago, but better late than never and we really did try to sell it.
Currently we live in a 3 story, 2400 square foot home. Unreal. Given when we met we could fit all we owned in a 500 square foot apartment! Then we moved into a 980 sq ft home and had lots of room. From there we moved onto Kansas to 1400 sq ft and had a TON of room. I have no idea how we end ed up here with all this crap, but it has to go. So we are going to be doing some serious downsizing of stuff. The house in Virginia is only 1400 sq ft. All this junk isn't going to fit. I am most excited about this part of things. There is so much here that we just aren't using and really doesn't need to be wasting all this space.
And last, but definitely not least is health. We do try to be as healthy as possible, but a lot of things have been put on the back burner and we need to make more effort bringing forth healthy habits. Things like gluten, sugar and overindulgence have made their ways back into our lives and it's not working out for us. We have some more family plans, hiking and a big camping trip planned and we really need to get in gear. I have serious personal goals that I simply must meet as putting them off or being fine with not doing them can no longer be an option. I will keep this subject updated on as I make progress. I am 7 days into making a habit of doing better. So I think I am on top of it this time. Time is going to pass whether I do something about it or not, so I better just get it done.
It's all very exciting for us this year. I am very much looking forward to progress. I hope whatever goals you have set yourself to treat you well and you have the encouragement and drive to achieve them! Here's to 2014.
With retirement in just 2 1/2 years away decided to get serious about living on a reduced budget and be prepared for less frivolous spending. We have a few bills to pay off. That will be easy to get done. We decided we needed to be in a habit of less spending simply because we have a house in Virginia that Skip purchased as a fixer upper. He lived in it for less than a year before being stationed in Korea and then being sent to Colorado. By the time we actually move into it he will have owned it for 10 years without having really fixed up anything. We have a lot of work ahead and its going to cost a lot of money. So we have just decided to set forth a serious plan of action to prepare for that. Maybe should have thought about it a while ago, but better late than never and we really did try to sell it.
This is what we are adjusting for. I love it.
Currently we live in a 3 story, 2400 square foot home. Unreal. Given when we met we could fit all we owned in a 500 square foot apartment! Then we moved into a 980 sq ft home and had lots of room. From there we moved onto Kansas to 1400 sq ft and had a TON of room. I have no idea how we end ed up here with all this crap, but it has to go. So we are going to be doing some serious downsizing of stuff. The house in Virginia is only 1400 sq ft. All this junk isn't going to fit. I am most excited about this part of things. There is so much here that we just aren't using and really doesn't need to be wasting all this space.
And last, but definitely not least is health. We do try to be as healthy as possible, but a lot of things have been put on the back burner and we need to make more effort bringing forth healthy habits. Things like gluten, sugar and overindulgence have made their ways back into our lives and it's not working out for us. We have some more family plans, hiking and a big camping trip planned and we really need to get in gear. I have serious personal goals that I simply must meet as putting them off or being fine with not doing them can no longer be an option. I will keep this subject updated on as I make progress. I am 7 days into making a habit of doing better. So I think I am on top of it this time. Time is going to pass whether I do something about it or not, so I better just get it done.
It's all very exciting for us this year. I am very much looking forward to progress. I hope whatever goals you have set yourself to treat you well and you have the encouragement and drive to achieve them! Here's to 2014.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Thoughts on 30
My 30th birthday is in 12 days! (also you have 11 days to finish your Christmas shopping, better get crackin') I will not be 29 again. I will not be 29+1 nor will it be a depressing day to skip. I will be 30 and I seriously couldn't be happier about it. Yea, I am crazy I know, but its a good day for me. After turning 21 I realized being "so young" just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. No one took me seriously, I was lacking life experience I so desperately wanted(and probably needed) and honestly I hated hearing people with so much more wisdom than I saying they "missed being so young". I didn't get it. I would not relive my 20s.
So many people heard me say,"I can't wait to be 30." I've said it over and over again. I cannot wait! I was asked a few weeks ago how I felt about it and I've really put some thought into it. I have never been more at ease with my peers. I feel like the closer I have gotten to 30 the more I am fitting in with people my age. I don't know what it is, but everyone seems calmer, more grounded and easier to get along with. I did not experience that from my young 20 something peers. I've disliked meeting people in that age group. I don't understand them and feel awkward, that's never changed. I feel more at ease with myself. I am not concerned with body image at all. I am pretty damn happy in my skin. I don't feel like I have to put on a show or look a certain way. Judge away judgers! At the end of the day I have a great family to come home to and they don't care. I am finally feeling like an adult. I feel like people don't blow off the things I have to say because I am too young to know.
I've got 3 great kids right now. It's not always easy, but I am really in love with being a mom. I wish I would have had 3 in my early 20s. Maybe I would have found my way sooner, but kids come with age, another reason to love 30 so much! They have grounded me big time and I really don't feel so high strung and freaked out. My husband probably helps that too I am sure. Marriage is also another reason to love 30. Its maturing and we are entering new places and finding new ideas together. It's fabulous. And I like not hearing,"You're too young to be married" Nope, don't hear that anymore!
30 is not old. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I will never be 29 again, don't want to or need to be. I will proudly be a 30 year old women. I've got 10 years till 40, and I'll be back writing about the awesomeness that I know will come with it. Until then, my ladies turning 30 with me, love it!! Embrace it and know you are awesome too!
So many people heard me say,"I can't wait to be 30." I've said it over and over again. I cannot wait! I was asked a few weeks ago how I felt about it and I've really put some thought into it. I have never been more at ease with my peers. I feel like the closer I have gotten to 30 the more I am fitting in with people my age. I don't know what it is, but everyone seems calmer, more grounded and easier to get along with. I did not experience that from my young 20 something peers. I've disliked meeting people in that age group. I don't understand them and feel awkward, that's never changed. I feel more at ease with myself. I am not concerned with body image at all. I am pretty damn happy in my skin. I don't feel like I have to put on a show or look a certain way. Judge away judgers! At the end of the day I have a great family to come home to and they don't care. I am finally feeling like an adult. I feel like people don't blow off the things I have to say because I am too young to know.
I've got 3 great kids right now. It's not always easy, but I am really in love with being a mom. I wish I would have had 3 in my early 20s. Maybe I would have found my way sooner, but kids come with age, another reason to love 30 so much! They have grounded me big time and I really don't feel so high strung and freaked out. My husband probably helps that too I am sure. Marriage is also another reason to love 30. Its maturing and we are entering new places and finding new ideas together. It's fabulous. And I like not hearing,"You're too young to be married" Nope, don't hear that anymore!
30 is not old. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I will never be 29 again, don't want to or need to be. I will proudly be a 30 year old women. I've got 10 years till 40, and I'll be back writing about the awesomeness that I know will come with it. Until then, my ladies turning 30 with me, love it!! Embrace it and know you are awesome too!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Motherhood Is...
GLAMOROUS!
Ok, maybe not the first word that comes to anybody's mind when you ask them what motherhood is in one word. What's not amazing about not brushing your hair for 3 days, pulling it back and hoping no one has noticed? Or hoping maybe they don't see it hasn't been washed for who knows how long. What's not more appealing than a shirt worn more times than you can remember because grabbing it up off the floor in a mad dash to a screaming kid is the only option? Then forgetting to change it later.
Then there's the snot, the spit, the food, the baby vomit and stuff you don't really know about that often migrates to your outfit. How long has that been there?! Oh well, you'll change it later. Or how about when you leave the house and think,"Oh carrying the baby will cover that up."
That shirt is a real life story! It's my shirt as a matter of fact. I spent all of last week battling boogers and grumpies. Also the regular eruptions of Phoebe's immature digestive system. Then there on the sleeve, that shiny dark stuff? That's blood. Not even all of it. Fiona decided some dishwasher diving off the top of a couple rolling pins would be fun...don't worry she's ok.
I had no idea I looked like this until my husband looked and asked what had happened to me. I laughed and said,"Life with kids." So I took a picture and decided to share the glamour of motherhood. The extra accessories your kids will leave you with at the end of day. It's awesome.
Maybe, glamorous isn't quite the right word, but it makes it easier to laugh at the end of day!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Entitled to Why?
Part of my anxiety when it comes to making decisions is the worry of what everyone else will think of my choices, of me. It's feeling like I always have to answer their "whys" and plead my case with everyone who doesn't make my decisions or live in my household. It makes doing non mainstream hard. It makes personal decisions hard. It makes family choices hard. I am really tired of things being hard. I am tired of worrying about judgement and disapproval from people who play no role in my day to day choices and family rearing. If its working for me and I am happy then frankly, tough for everybody else.
If I solicit your advice then by all means give it. Some things are easier to decide when you search outside your own box. Some people have valuable knowledge to share and I seek that out when I know it's needed or I feel stuck. This I value, it is not me looking to have everyone else make choices for me.
I've just finally hit a point where I am getting too exhausted worrying about how every single person in my life feels about my choices. I have realized these are just that, my choices for me to make with my husbands approval. His is pretty much the only one I need when it effects only him and me. So unless I am causing harm to myself, my kids or another person I am just not going to hear it.
So for now, I am going to happily continue on with a choice I made with my husband and not care about what everyone else says.
If I solicit your advice then by all means give it. Some things are easier to decide when you search outside your own box. Some people have valuable knowledge to share and I seek that out when I know it's needed or I feel stuck. This I value, it is not me looking to have everyone else make choices for me.
I've just finally hit a point where I am getting too exhausted worrying about how every single person in my life feels about my choices. I have realized these are just that, my choices for me to make with my husbands approval. His is pretty much the only one I need when it effects only him and me. So unless I am causing harm to myself, my kids or another person I am just not going to hear it.
So for now, I am going to happily continue on with a choice I made with my husband and not care about what everyone else says.
Friday, October 25, 2013
It's Been a Tough Week
I am really ready for a new week with better things. The past 7 days have just been up and down and very tiring. I am ready to just get on with life and be done with the nonsense.
Last week on Wednesday Skip was using a screwdriver and there was a very audible POP in his arm, followed by a lot of pain. We thought nothing of it as he has been dealing with shoulder and arm pain for some time now and was scheduled to have rotator cuff repair in the arm we heard the pop. Friday however turned that pop into something different. He was helping unload some boxes when it again popped, but this time followed by more pain and a huge bulge in his upper right arm. I told him he needed to be seen at the ER right away.
He came home not long after he was seen with a diagnoses of a ruptured bicep tendon. He was told to keep it in a sling, fast for the evening and go in to see ortho at 730 am and be ready for surgery. So we hopped online to learn what we could before hand. Saturday 730 he was told ortho isn't open and he had to wait until Monday. Leave it up to the Army ER to be dumb like that. Monday morning comes along and we learn its a tear from his shoulder and we are told they "don't fix that kind". Excuse me? So know I precede to start learning the complete anatomy of the shoulder and learn his rupture can indeed be fixed and if very often fixed alongside rotator cuff repairs because it happens due to the shoulder injury anyways! We are both confused as to why they won't offer to fix it. Without the surgery there will be permanent disfiguration and weakness. Skip goes back on Tuesday and Wednesday to demand a referral for a second opinion. Thursday and Skip receives a call from his ortho doctor on post wanting to talk to him and to tell him he will not be referring us. I get prepared to go in and battle this doctor for the surgery we want.
I have printed studies, policies etc on the whole thing. I am ready to file a complaint with patient advocacy and see the hospital Commander. No one has given us any reason other than "no" for why they won't fix this. It literally makes no sense to us. Keep in mind I now have complete knowledge of the entire structure of the human arm and shoulder. So we sit down with the doctor. He starts talking, right away using medical terms and I confirm and nod my head while listening. He stops, looks at me and asks,"Are you a physical therapist or something?". No sir I am in pre med school(ok a little lie I know). Well his whole damn attitude changes and is suddenly very responsive and starts explaining things in depth. We were given information we were not expecting.
Skip's right shoulder sustained an injury sometime around 10 years ago. The injury has gone untreated. As a result the 4 muscles that make up the rotator cuff are completely gone. They tore 100% and have been atrophying for a while now. They cannot repair his shoulder. In addition the tendon that ruptured is so far gone and diseased that it's not even worth trying to fix. There is a chance it probably wasn't even working anyways. There is no way he will recover the lost muscles or torn tendon.
His surgery that was supposed to fix the cuff is now a surgery to remove a bone cyst and remove left over free floating and diseased tissue from the atrophying muscle and cartilage. If we are lucky he will make it 10 years before needing a complete shoulder rebuild. But he will not recover fully and the use he has now will become more limited with passing years.
It was a huge slap in the face and also very frustrating that this couldn't have been explained on Monday. Also I am still feeling angry that these doctors assume everyone is uneducated and can't make informed decisions for themselves. I still feel like complaining. But I did let that doctor know everyone would have suffered a lot less if he would have provided this information instead of just saying no. So needless to say I still stand on the side opposite of the medical field. Wishing for better care and still feeling angry that we aren't treated better.
So now we let it all soak in. Skip is understandably having a tough time with it, but I remind him of all he still has and it's not the end of life. Just means we need to take better care of if and be vigilant of excess wear and tear. We hoping the upcoming surgery helps with pain management for now.
Last week on Wednesday Skip was using a screwdriver and there was a very audible POP in his arm, followed by a lot of pain. We thought nothing of it as he has been dealing with shoulder and arm pain for some time now and was scheduled to have rotator cuff repair in the arm we heard the pop. Friday however turned that pop into something different. He was helping unload some boxes when it again popped, but this time followed by more pain and a huge bulge in his upper right arm. I told him he needed to be seen at the ER right away.
He came home not long after he was seen with a diagnoses of a ruptured bicep tendon. He was told to keep it in a sling, fast for the evening and go in to see ortho at 730 am and be ready for surgery. So we hopped online to learn what we could before hand. Saturday 730 he was told ortho isn't open and he had to wait until Monday. Leave it up to the Army ER to be dumb like that. Monday morning comes along and we learn its a tear from his shoulder and we are told they "don't fix that kind". Excuse me? So know I precede to start learning the complete anatomy of the shoulder and learn his rupture can indeed be fixed and if very often fixed alongside rotator cuff repairs because it happens due to the shoulder injury anyways! We are both confused as to why they won't offer to fix it. Without the surgery there will be permanent disfiguration and weakness. Skip goes back on Tuesday and Wednesday to demand a referral for a second opinion. Thursday and Skip receives a call from his ortho doctor on post wanting to talk to him and to tell him he will not be referring us. I get prepared to go in and battle this doctor for the surgery we want.
I have printed studies, policies etc on the whole thing. I am ready to file a complaint with patient advocacy and see the hospital Commander. No one has given us any reason other than "no" for why they won't fix this. It literally makes no sense to us. Keep in mind I now have complete knowledge of the entire structure of the human arm and shoulder. So we sit down with the doctor. He starts talking, right away using medical terms and I confirm and nod my head while listening. He stops, looks at me and asks,"Are you a physical therapist or something?". No sir I am in pre med school(ok a little lie I know). Well his whole damn attitude changes and is suddenly very responsive and starts explaining things in depth. We were given information we were not expecting.
Skip's right shoulder sustained an injury sometime around 10 years ago. The injury has gone untreated. As a result the 4 muscles that make up the rotator cuff are completely gone. They tore 100% and have been atrophying for a while now. They cannot repair his shoulder. In addition the tendon that ruptured is so far gone and diseased that it's not even worth trying to fix. There is a chance it probably wasn't even working anyways. There is no way he will recover the lost muscles or torn tendon.
His surgery that was supposed to fix the cuff is now a surgery to remove a bone cyst and remove left over free floating and diseased tissue from the atrophying muscle and cartilage. If we are lucky he will make it 10 years before needing a complete shoulder rebuild. But he will not recover fully and the use he has now will become more limited with passing years.
It was a huge slap in the face and also very frustrating that this couldn't have been explained on Monday. Also I am still feeling angry that these doctors assume everyone is uneducated and can't make informed decisions for themselves. I still feel like complaining. But I did let that doctor know everyone would have suffered a lot less if he would have provided this information instead of just saying no. So needless to say I still stand on the side opposite of the medical field. Wishing for better care and still feeling angry that we aren't treated better.
So now we let it all soak in. Skip is understandably having a tough time with it, but I remind him of all he still has and it's not the end of life. Just means we need to take better care of if and be vigilant of excess wear and tear. We hoping the upcoming surgery helps with pain management for now.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Tough Feelings
Anyone who has known me a short amount of time knows right off I have issues with my mother. My blog is full of stories, hurt feelings and anger involving her. I feel like I should just make a label for all of them. I am sitting writing yet another page about her and I can't help but wonder why I keep letting her bother me. Why do I waste so much energy in turmoil over it. It took a lot of years for me to gain the confidence to say "no" to her, even though it still gives me a great deal of anxiety when I do. She still gets under my skin and makes me angry even when I know it's coming. After all the torment and abuse I sustained at her hand, I still let her come around. I haven't found the courage to write her off and move on. I guess deep down that just doesn't feel right.
I am almost 30 years old now. I am a mother to 3 children and struggling with not having a mother of my own. My mom used to rant about not doing to me what she perceived her own mother did to her, not being there when she had kids. Well I was born in South Carolina and my brother was born in Connecticut. My grandparents lived in Colorado. My dad was in the Navy. It's not like they lived close the whole time. When I was growing up and we came to Colorado for good my mom did all she could to pit us against her side of the family as well as against our own father. So I would imagine that would make it hard for anyone do want to help. And so she went on and on about how much help she was going to be when her own kids had kids. She didn't want us to experience her pain.
Fast forward to my pregnancy with Aiden. Mom provided a lot to me financially during that time. She bought the crib and many items for the nursery. She helped put food in the house when I had to cut back at work and had my savings spent by my ex because he refused to work extra. But it came at a price. In the beginning I was struggling with acceptance of the pregnancy because of things that were happening. I went to her one day crying about wanting an abortion and she stood there and told me whatever I wanted she would help with. There was no words of encouragement, no words telling me not to do this. Behind my back her and my ex plotted ways to get doctors to put me on drugs to keep me calm as they claimed "fear for the lives" because somewhere she has this notion that I would kill people in a postpartum rage. I was mentally abused by those two during the entire pregnancy. The abuse continued after the birth where I was always told I didn't know what I was doing. That I wasn't cut out to be a mother and so forth. I was ridiculed and questioned every step of the way until I finally was able to put her in her place the following summer after leaving Colorado. (You can read a bit about that HERE, HERE and HERE)
Fiona came along and she was there in Kansas for it. I held out until 48 hours before her 10 day stay was over because I was full of fear to be giving birth while she was around. She ended up being quite helpful and so I stupidly thought coming back to Colorado was going to be better for me. That I would have her help and maybe even a better relationship.
Yea I was wrong. Way wrong. Instead all Hell broke lose with my brother and she has become a slave to him and the justice system. She goes running at his every becking call. She spends unknown amounts of money on him and has just forgotten about me. I didn't even bother to call her when I was in labor with Phoebe because she was in court with my brother. She's been down here a handful of times since June when I had her and she's never here longer than an hour because she has some garbage to deal with for my brother. She hasn't even brought a gift for Phoebe and my mom speaks love through gifts.
I find myself feeling down and angry when I see or hear of other women who get so much help with their kids because their mom is present. If my mom was dead I'd probably see more help. But she's here and not doing a damn thing for me and I am resentful of that. I saw her more during the 2 1/2 years we lived in Kansas than I have in the 18 months we have been back here. I'm about 400 miles closer now too. I really just want to scream and cry about it. I want to hate and be angry at her for it. I want to tell her not to bother anymore. She's a waste of my time.
But none of that is going to get me anywhere. What I need is closure. I need to find acceptance and be OK with it. I just don't know how to get there.
I am almost 30 years old now. I am a mother to 3 children and struggling with not having a mother of my own. My mom used to rant about not doing to me what she perceived her own mother did to her, not being there when she had kids. Well I was born in South Carolina and my brother was born in Connecticut. My grandparents lived in Colorado. My dad was in the Navy. It's not like they lived close the whole time. When I was growing up and we came to Colorado for good my mom did all she could to pit us against her side of the family as well as against our own father. So I would imagine that would make it hard for anyone do want to help. And so she went on and on about how much help she was going to be when her own kids had kids. She didn't want us to experience her pain.
Fast forward to my pregnancy with Aiden. Mom provided a lot to me financially during that time. She bought the crib and many items for the nursery. She helped put food in the house when I had to cut back at work and had my savings spent by my ex because he refused to work extra. But it came at a price. In the beginning I was struggling with acceptance of the pregnancy because of things that were happening. I went to her one day crying about wanting an abortion and she stood there and told me whatever I wanted she would help with. There was no words of encouragement, no words telling me not to do this. Behind my back her and my ex plotted ways to get doctors to put me on drugs to keep me calm as they claimed "fear for the lives" because somewhere she has this notion that I would kill people in a postpartum rage. I was mentally abused by those two during the entire pregnancy. The abuse continued after the birth where I was always told I didn't know what I was doing. That I wasn't cut out to be a mother and so forth. I was ridiculed and questioned every step of the way until I finally was able to put her in her place the following summer after leaving Colorado. (You can read a bit about that HERE, HERE and HERE)
Fiona came along and she was there in Kansas for it. I held out until 48 hours before her 10 day stay was over because I was full of fear to be giving birth while she was around. She ended up being quite helpful and so I stupidly thought coming back to Colorado was going to be better for me. That I would have her help and maybe even a better relationship.
Yea I was wrong. Way wrong. Instead all Hell broke lose with my brother and she has become a slave to him and the justice system. She goes running at his every becking call. She spends unknown amounts of money on him and has just forgotten about me. I didn't even bother to call her when I was in labor with Phoebe because she was in court with my brother. She's been down here a handful of times since June when I had her and she's never here longer than an hour because she has some garbage to deal with for my brother. She hasn't even brought a gift for Phoebe and my mom speaks love through gifts.
I find myself feeling down and angry when I see or hear of other women who get so much help with their kids because their mom is present. If my mom was dead I'd probably see more help. But she's here and not doing a damn thing for me and I am resentful of that. I saw her more during the 2 1/2 years we lived in Kansas than I have in the 18 months we have been back here. I'm about 400 miles closer now too. I really just want to scream and cry about it. I want to hate and be angry at her for it. I want to tell her not to bother anymore. She's a waste of my time.
But none of that is going to get me anywhere. What I need is closure. I need to find acceptance and be OK with it. I just don't know how to get there.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Will Your Kids Be Proud of You?
I have read so much about parenting the last few years. Studies, opinions, comments, questions, experiences etc. What I have learned is there isn't necessarily a "right way" to parent as our choices are infinite. I have, however, formed a pretty strong thought on the wrong way to parent a child. I think the world we live in is violent. I can open a news page and find stories on murder, rape, war, child abuse, animal abuse, theft, assault and so forth. It's easiest to find such stories. Rarely do people doing good things make the news, perhaps humans are rarely doing good things. Good things don't get you noticed. Parenting is much the same. I believe many people parent in anger and violence. Yelling, screaming, hitting, put downs, name calling and the use of isolation. I wonder if hugging a criminal would be more effective then the justice system they float in now.
Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me. We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.
Things you won't hear an adult say:
Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18. We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that. Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.
While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.
Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.
So parent proudly. Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.
Compromise should be done with love and humility.
Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me. We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.
Things you won't hear an adult say:
"I am so proud my parents had the courage to spank me when I needed it."Sounds pretty bad. Its a lot like an adult saying they were happy to be raped because it taught them to dress better. Or be happy for divorce because it taught them to love harder. Not a lot of logic to it. I've said it before and I'll just keep saying it, but we don't hit our friends or spouses and expect them to learn. We don't yell and scream and actually get results. We don't isolate our families and have them come out feeling great and refreshed. We don't pull back loving emotions and see change. No, we do any of that and we see and feel hurt. We experience pain and sadness. We lose trust and respect.
"I am so proud to have had my parents yell and scream at me, I learned so much from it."
"I am proud of the way my parents isolated me when I did the wrong thing, thank God for being grounded."
"I am proud my parents denied me affection during the times I was bad. It showed me how to be good."
Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18. We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that. Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.
While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.
Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.
So parent proudly. Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.
Compromise should be done with love and humility.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Lifestyle Changes
Back before Fiona was conceived and Skip had come home from Iraq after binging on Cheerios and M&Ms for a year weighing near 200 pounds we made a choice to go gluten free. He was having terrible daily headaches and could hardly button his pants or bend over to tie his boots(seriously it was bad). I did quite a bit of searching for reasons he would be having the headaches and went out on a whim and cut wheat products. We also got a glucose monitor and noticed his fasting blood sugar levels were pretty bad as well. The headaches were gone within a week and he dropped 20lbs in about 2 months. His blood sugar no longer had us worried about the possibility of diabetes. We were quite happy and shocked that just that one change could make such a difference.
Since then we have stayed mostly gluten free, failing miserably at times and paying the price with headaches or upset digestive tracks. Right after giving birth this time to Phoebe I immediately noticed I was having some serious stomach issues. I have a terrible history of digestive problems, GERD and being hospitalized on multiple occasions for severe stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea with no known causes. After a couple of weeks of trying to figure out why I was getting so sick I realized it was the wheat products. I stopped eating them and within 24 hours all was well again. Pregnancy and childbirth have the ability to cause very dramatic changes to the body, one of them being food sensitives after birth. Seriously, I researched it. It would seem wheat is going to be a potential permanent issue for me.
So with that I am back to eating gluten free with a small cheat here and there, being sure to keep it small enough that it's not causing an issue. As a whole it is safe to say the whole family it about 98% gluten free, Fiona loves graham crackers...
Then we got to thinking about the rest of our diet. What do we need, what don't we need and what should we be adding and why. So hours of documentaries on food and health, The state of this countries farming industries and what the human body is actually designed to digest, Skip made a radical decision. One I did not expect for him to suggest.
Vegetarianism.
Yes, he did suggest that. And we have moved forward with it. We did agree we will be strict vegetarians at home and would make exceptions and adjustments when eating out or with family and friends. I personally find that I don't have much interest in making that exception for myself or for the kids, but I know Skip probably will take advantage from time to time.
We are going to continue to be wheat free as much as possible. We do not drink milk, for more reasons than I care to go into here. Any dairy such as cheese and yogurt I have always been picky about, must be either organic or hormone free. Since my eggs come from my own backyard I don't need to worry about those. At some point we may move more toward being vegan, but not at this time.
It's been exciting looking for new recipes, new ways of getting a healthier source of protein and adjusting to a new lifestyle. We are already feeling less sluggish and digestion for everyone has improved a great deal. I won't lie, I miss bacon, but that will pass with time.
Now with the holidays coming up, it will be fun to see what decisions we make and how we will feel about them afterwards.
Since then we have stayed mostly gluten free, failing miserably at times and paying the price with headaches or upset digestive tracks. Right after giving birth this time to Phoebe I immediately noticed I was having some serious stomach issues. I have a terrible history of digestive problems, GERD and being hospitalized on multiple occasions for severe stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea with no known causes. After a couple of weeks of trying to figure out why I was getting so sick I realized it was the wheat products. I stopped eating them and within 24 hours all was well again. Pregnancy and childbirth have the ability to cause very dramatic changes to the body, one of them being food sensitives after birth. Seriously, I researched it. It would seem wheat is going to be a potential permanent issue for me.
So with that I am back to eating gluten free with a small cheat here and there, being sure to keep it small enough that it's not causing an issue. As a whole it is safe to say the whole family it about 98% gluten free, Fiona loves graham crackers...
Then we got to thinking about the rest of our diet. What do we need, what don't we need and what should we be adding and why. So hours of documentaries on food and health, The state of this countries farming industries and what the human body is actually designed to digest, Skip made a radical decision. One I did not expect for him to suggest.
Vegetarianism.
Yes, he did suggest that. And we have moved forward with it. We did agree we will be strict vegetarians at home and would make exceptions and adjustments when eating out or with family and friends. I personally find that I don't have much interest in making that exception for myself or for the kids, but I know Skip probably will take advantage from time to time.
We are going to continue to be wheat free as much as possible. We do not drink milk, for more reasons than I care to go into here. Any dairy such as cheese and yogurt I have always been picky about, must be either organic or hormone free. Since my eggs come from my own backyard I don't need to worry about those. At some point we may move more toward being vegan, but not at this time.
It's been exciting looking for new recipes, new ways of getting a healthier source of protein and adjusting to a new lifestyle. We are already feeling less sluggish and digestion for everyone has improved a great deal. I won't lie, I miss bacon, but that will pass with time.
Now with the holidays coming up, it will be fun to see what decisions we make and how we will feel about them afterwards.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Having Little Fantasies...
Parenting, it's no 9-5 job. More like an unrelenting 24/7/365(or 366 on a leap year) kinda job. There are no set coffee breaks, uninterrupted bathroom rests or totally spontaneous days. Life takes some planning most of the time, even if its just how you are going to shuffle the heard to the car without losing someone to a slight attention loss because they saw something shiny(or you saw something shiny, but I digress..). When you have small kids there are no clean shirts, there is clean enough to be seen in public without question shirts. Chipped nail polish, overdo pedicures and a lot of bad hair days. There are dark circles under your eyes and sometimes the will to live stays in bed while you get up and force yourself to keep going. Often you answer 50 questions before 9am, the same 50 you answered yesterday and dare I say the day before that as well. Hell who am I kidding, you answered them all last week too!!
That's just a fraction of a fraction of a the day of a parent. There are mornings(like today) that you wake up at 530 to a little staring you in the face and smiling their horribly adorable smile and you think,"Damn you are cute, but I just want to close my eyes and pretend you don't exist for a few moments." You think about waking up when you chose and just doing nothing. Or on a rainy day staying in bed to read without any noise or anyone to take care of. Or think about what it would be like to decide to go somewhere and get to the car in 30 seconds instead of having to plan for at least 30 minutes and then another 15 to get to the car where you then realize nap time is in 10 and you are so screwed.(All while praying nothing shiny pops up) I have mornings that I dream of no responsibility. I dream of quiet. Time for myself to pursue my interests and mine only for a period of uninterrupted time. I could go on and on and on in my little fantasy, but as I type I am being asked many questions and I realize it's just not going to happen.
But it really is all just a fun fantasy to get you thru tough times. Honestly, what would I do without my kids? I would miss the beginning of those adorable toothless grins at 530 when I am all bleary eyed. I would end up missing the noise because it reminds me I am not alone and it's an even bigger reminder that someone loves me enough to give me the joy of these wonderful little creatures that deprive you of life's basic needs. I would miss out on a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. I would really be missing out on huge amounts of love, received and given. I would would miss opportunities to be a better person.
SO ya, I want a morning to myself, but its not going to happen for a while. That's ok. It will be sweeter when it comes.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Intolerant
About 2 years ago we went gluten/wheat free for a while and life was good. Then we slacked and slowly added it back. Life wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't as awesome as gluten free! We have mostly maintained a no sandwich bread lifestyle at least. Skip has put on a pound or 2 here and there. I haven't really lost what I wanted. We haven't really noticed what eating it again was doing.
That was until Phoebe was born. Almost overnite I became 100% intolerant of it. I cannot eat the smallest amount without suffering GI issues. So I would stop for a few days thinking my guts were just readjusting. Normal postpartum stuff. Then I would eat something and again serious GI issues. I had pasta 2 nites ago, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've banned all wheat and gluten from the house. I simply cannot do it anymore and I see what it does to the rest of us. So no more.
It sucks, the easy baking days are out the window, but I am having fun looking for new foods to cook.
That was until Phoebe was born. Almost overnite I became 100% intolerant of it. I cannot eat the smallest amount without suffering GI issues. So I would stop for a few days thinking my guts were just readjusting. Normal postpartum stuff. Then I would eat something and again serious GI issues. I had pasta 2 nites ago, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've banned all wheat and gluten from the house. I simply cannot do it anymore and I see what it does to the rest of us. So no more.
It sucks, the easy baking days are out the window, but I am having fun looking for new foods to cook.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Face Book, Killing relationships One Friend List at a Time
I love social media. I hate social media. It has many wonderful benefits as well as so many pitfalls. It allows you to stay connected to people you love, like family and friends. And that is especially true if you aren't living in the same state or if you are military and always moving around. It allows for more real time updates and people don't have to miss out on what's going on. You can make broad announcements like engagements and births in one place at one time. But all those great things also mean you don't or aren't keeping up in real life. It means you feel connected without actually being connected. It makes it easier for us to book ourselves solid with things like work or kids and not have to carve out any time to maintain relationships because things like Face Book are doing it for us. It also takes out the personal aspect of one on one relationships because everyone can see everything. Everything people are saying to you, everything you are saying to them and everything you are researching and asking about in other areas such as "liked" pages or joined groups.
I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with Face Book. I love being able to share photos of my kids for people like my family and closest friends. I like being able to reach out when I am having a bad day and get those almost instant words of encouragement. But then I also stop and think, well if I had better in life personal relationships with these people they would see my kids more often or I could just pick up the phone for the words I need. Do you see the issue now?
Before moving to Kansas in 2009 I refused to even look at Face Book. But when we got orders I realized I was going to need a way to stay in better contact with Colorado because frankly I was devastated that I was leaving. In the beginning it was pretty awesome. I had the connection online, but was still maintaining the personal one through phone calls and texts with many. When I had my first miscarriage shortly after Skip deployed I was able to pick up the phone and call anyone and they were there for me. I never felt like I had to give it a second thought. Within a year of that one and having my second I can say that feeling of just picking up the phone was gone. It was strange and weird. Skip was home for that one, yet I felt more alone dealing with it than I had before. Then my pregnancy with Fiona happened. It was definitely less exciting as far as people involved, but I chalked that up to living in a different state. I still had some fabulous personal relationships with neighbors and friends out there so I didn't think too much of it. I certainly remember getting texts, calls and cards when she was born. Then we got the orders back to Colorado. Man was I excited. So were so many people. I couldn't wait!! I would have a life again. I would see people again. I would be doing things. Social media was no longer going to be my social outlet.
Slap the breaks on that. Since I have been back I have seen my friends less than 10 times. Phone calls and texting have plummeted and Face Book has become the main source of communication. I'm not really sure what happened. It just did. I know I am personally reluctant to pick up the phone and call or text. So maybe its just me. Maybe I have single-handedly killed my own relationships. Or maybe people just forgot I was back. I moved out of the circle and came back to no room. And that is understandable as well. We all move on and life changes.
The reason I got to thinking all of this is because since Phoebe was born I have had ONE visitor that is not family. I have received ONE phone call from someone who is not family congratulating me. I have received 2 cards, one from Skip's deployed unit and one from his ex-wife. The last text I got from anyone that isn't family was June 19th. It's been a horrible wake up call. Its also been a reality check.
If I quit social media today, who would notice? Who would pick up a phone and call me? Who would I call or think about. What relationships would I maintain? I don't really know. But if I quit, what would I miss? Who would I miss? It's like a double edged sword.
Face Book has let me stay connected while I was away. It lead me to new people and groups as well. It has given me knowledge through those new found groups. I've connected with people I wouldn't have known otherwise. I think maybe I am old enough to know and value real face to face friendship, but also young enough to value digital friendships as well. It's a strange place to be. I am not sure I like the way friendships are fostered now, but in this day and age its the "in" thing. I miss my face to face friendships. I feel like I have forgotten how to make them work. I have added 2 kids and quit working since I was last proficient in dating my friends. I am missing something and I don't know how to fix it.
Or maybe the person I have become is not the friend people want. I may have to just face the fact that I am on the out because I have outgrown the past relationships and it's time to move on and seek new ones.
I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with Face Book. I love being able to share photos of my kids for people like my family and closest friends. I like being able to reach out when I am having a bad day and get those almost instant words of encouragement. But then I also stop and think, well if I had better in life personal relationships with these people they would see my kids more often or I could just pick up the phone for the words I need. Do you see the issue now?
Before moving to Kansas in 2009 I refused to even look at Face Book. But when we got orders I realized I was going to need a way to stay in better contact with Colorado because frankly I was devastated that I was leaving. In the beginning it was pretty awesome. I had the connection online, but was still maintaining the personal one through phone calls and texts with many. When I had my first miscarriage shortly after Skip deployed I was able to pick up the phone and call anyone and they were there for me. I never felt like I had to give it a second thought. Within a year of that one and having my second I can say that feeling of just picking up the phone was gone. It was strange and weird. Skip was home for that one, yet I felt more alone dealing with it than I had before. Then my pregnancy with Fiona happened. It was definitely less exciting as far as people involved, but I chalked that up to living in a different state. I still had some fabulous personal relationships with neighbors and friends out there so I didn't think too much of it. I certainly remember getting texts, calls and cards when she was born. Then we got the orders back to Colorado. Man was I excited. So were so many people. I couldn't wait!! I would have a life again. I would see people again. I would be doing things. Social media was no longer going to be my social outlet.
Slap the breaks on that. Since I have been back I have seen my friends less than 10 times. Phone calls and texting have plummeted and Face Book has become the main source of communication. I'm not really sure what happened. It just did. I know I am personally reluctant to pick up the phone and call or text. So maybe its just me. Maybe I have single-handedly killed my own relationships. Or maybe people just forgot I was back. I moved out of the circle and came back to no room. And that is understandable as well. We all move on and life changes.
The reason I got to thinking all of this is because since Phoebe was born I have had ONE visitor that is not family. I have received ONE phone call from someone who is not family congratulating me. I have received 2 cards, one from Skip's deployed unit and one from his ex-wife. The last text I got from anyone that isn't family was June 19th. It's been a horrible wake up call. Its also been a reality check.
If I quit social media today, who would notice? Who would pick up a phone and call me? Who would I call or think about. What relationships would I maintain? I don't really know. But if I quit, what would I miss? Who would I miss? It's like a double edged sword.
Face Book has let me stay connected while I was away. It lead me to new people and groups as well. It has given me knowledge through those new found groups. I've connected with people I wouldn't have known otherwise. I think maybe I am old enough to know and value real face to face friendship, but also young enough to value digital friendships as well. It's a strange place to be. I am not sure I like the way friendships are fostered now, but in this day and age its the "in" thing. I miss my face to face friendships. I feel like I have forgotten how to make them work. I have added 2 kids and quit working since I was last proficient in dating my friends. I am missing something and I don't know how to fix it.
Or maybe the person I have become is not the friend people want. I may have to just face the fact that I am on the out because I have outgrown the past relationships and it's time to move on and seek new ones.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Things Gone Unsaid
I haven't written anything here since December. That's very unlike me. It's not been for lack of subjects, things happening or things to say. I just haven't been able to bring myself to write anything for a couple of reasons. The physical and mental exhaustion I have been experiencing has been so overwhelming that the thought of taking time to to write something just made me want to cry about it. Also most everything I think about and want to write about is not very mainstream and I always feel like I am wasting my time talking about some of these things. I don't have an audience that cares very much about those things, actually I don't have much of an audience. So I just haven't been able to bring myself to sit and hammer something out. Not even small updates because my life has been so up and down over the past 6 months to a year, I mostly feel like I don't even want to talk about it.
I've been plagued with serious anxiety, some depression and overall sadness during this pregnancy. Not at all what I expected. The pregnancy with Fiona was so smooth and easy that I really expected the same thing. But the change of environment and my husband's job here has not made that possible. It's been very emotional and disappointing many days. I have of course had nothing but support and happiness from the people I am closest to, without that much I feel like things would have been so much worse.
With all that being said I am sitting here pretty much just waiting for labor to start. I can go any day now. But being this close has made my anxiety levels go through the roof for very stupid and simple reasons. I simply am not feeling safe here. And I am not talking gang banger, shoot em up unsafe. Just emotionally unsafe. My pregnancy and birth with Aiden was probably one of the worst times of emotional abuse in my life. I don't talk about it often or in depth because it was just that awful, but I am always finding myself looking back at that and worrying about another outcome that lead to the severe postpartum depression I endured as well as further abuse I sustained at the hands of people I should have been able to trust. Naturally being back in the same place where it all happened makes me feel vulnerable and brings back so much that I just don't know how to process it. Maybe I am just being thinned skinned and letting it bug me.
I had no such issues with Fiona. I was safely tucked away in Kansas without a worry in the world. There was no one there that could bug me and no one there that could just drop in and set my world spinning. The only time I even had the smallest freak out was when my Mom came to stay for 10 days and I hadn't had her yet. Talking my body down during that time and telling myself it was okay and that she no longer had any control was a very difficult task, given she was one of my abusers during my pregnancy and postpartum with Aiden. I had Fiona about 48 hours before she was due to leave and I spent that time in bed not allowing anyone but Skip to touch her. I know this pissed her off, but I had no reason to care or fear her. I wasn't about to let her in enough to do so.
Now come back to Colorado and I almost don't feel like I am on level playing field. The fact of the matter is my mother continues to be a pain in my backside and continues to cause me anxiety for reasons unknown to me. I was very happy to come back here when we found out. My dad and his wife are wonderful people and the ability to see them more often was thrilling. My grandparents and Aunt whom I have worked hard with to bring back a functioning relationship have been a real blessing. Yet I sit here with these great people in my life and still can only find myself worrying about my nut job mother. I worry damn well knowing my husband isn't about to let a thing happen to me at her hands and chances are neither will anyone else for that matter.
I just simply cannot explain why ONE person makes me feel so unsafe. I feel like I should know better. I feel like I should just be over all of it and it shouldn't effect me the way it does. I cannot figure it out. So I am just writing it down and getting it off my chest so I no longer feel like I am holding this in. I don't want it effecting my labor and delivery because I sat here and worried and told no one. I have enough other challenges I am dealing with and I just don't need this one to be at the top of them.
My birth plans do not include her for many reasons and I can say at least I feel good about that part. I just want to give birth in peace without worry about her aftermath. I don't want my story told with her extra embellishments of fantasy. I don't want her hanging around here in an attempt to scare off people who want to see me(namely family) because she thinks she is going to try and control the situation.
I have learned since being back here that I have a lot of unfinished emotional business that I need to deal with. That was truly one of the last things I expected. I thought I had climbed and beat those hurdles. I have no idea how to just let it all go, especially when I thought I had already done so. It's now said and public knowledge. Hopefully I can let it go long enough to get thru this.
I've been plagued with serious anxiety, some depression and overall sadness during this pregnancy. Not at all what I expected. The pregnancy with Fiona was so smooth and easy that I really expected the same thing. But the change of environment and my husband's job here has not made that possible. It's been very emotional and disappointing many days. I have of course had nothing but support and happiness from the people I am closest to, without that much I feel like things would have been so much worse.
With all that being said I am sitting here pretty much just waiting for labor to start. I can go any day now. But being this close has made my anxiety levels go through the roof for very stupid and simple reasons. I simply am not feeling safe here. And I am not talking gang banger, shoot em up unsafe. Just emotionally unsafe. My pregnancy and birth with Aiden was probably one of the worst times of emotional abuse in my life. I don't talk about it often or in depth because it was just that awful, but I am always finding myself looking back at that and worrying about another outcome that lead to the severe postpartum depression I endured as well as further abuse I sustained at the hands of people I should have been able to trust. Naturally being back in the same place where it all happened makes me feel vulnerable and brings back so much that I just don't know how to process it. Maybe I am just being thinned skinned and letting it bug me.
I had no such issues with Fiona. I was safely tucked away in Kansas without a worry in the world. There was no one there that could bug me and no one there that could just drop in and set my world spinning. The only time I even had the smallest freak out was when my Mom came to stay for 10 days and I hadn't had her yet. Talking my body down during that time and telling myself it was okay and that she no longer had any control was a very difficult task, given she was one of my abusers during my pregnancy and postpartum with Aiden. I had Fiona about 48 hours before she was due to leave and I spent that time in bed not allowing anyone but Skip to touch her. I know this pissed her off, but I had no reason to care or fear her. I wasn't about to let her in enough to do so.
Now come back to Colorado and I almost don't feel like I am on level playing field. The fact of the matter is my mother continues to be a pain in my backside and continues to cause me anxiety for reasons unknown to me. I was very happy to come back here when we found out. My dad and his wife are wonderful people and the ability to see them more often was thrilling. My grandparents and Aunt whom I have worked hard with to bring back a functioning relationship have been a real blessing. Yet I sit here with these great people in my life and still can only find myself worrying about my nut job mother. I worry damn well knowing my husband isn't about to let a thing happen to me at her hands and chances are neither will anyone else for that matter.
I just simply cannot explain why ONE person makes me feel so unsafe. I feel like I should know better. I feel like I should just be over all of it and it shouldn't effect me the way it does. I cannot figure it out. So I am just writing it down and getting it off my chest so I no longer feel like I am holding this in. I don't want it effecting my labor and delivery because I sat here and worried and told no one. I have enough other challenges I am dealing with and I just don't need this one to be at the top of them.
My birth plans do not include her for many reasons and I can say at least I feel good about that part. I just want to give birth in peace without worry about her aftermath. I don't want my story told with her extra embellishments of fantasy. I don't want her hanging around here in an attempt to scare off people who want to see me(namely family) because she thinks she is going to try and control the situation.
I have learned since being back here that I have a lot of unfinished emotional business that I need to deal with. That was truly one of the last things I expected. I thought I had climbed and beat those hurdles. I have no idea how to just let it all go, especially when I thought I had already done so. It's now said and public knowledge. Hopefully I can let it go long enough to get thru this.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I'm Just Not Feeling it This Year...
It's December 13th and I still don't feel the Christmas Spirit. I thought by now I'd feel something, a little excitement or anticipation maybe? Nothing. We got the tree, decorated it and all. Aiden has been listening to Christmas music and telling me about how excited he is. Maybe the child in me has finally grown up and doesn't see the importance in a majorly marketed holiday such as Christmas.
"Its about giving, not receiving" they all say. Well why is it so important just once a year to give? Why are we giving crap made in China that's just going to collect some dust after a few uses? My house is packed with crap. I can understand and completely respect that people love to give at Christmas and it makes them feel good. Yes, it's one time a year we all remember to give something to the people we love and we should all feel good about that. It's the drive to feel obligated that jades me. If I don't go shopping to provide people with stuff, will they think less of me? Will they wonder what they did wrong? Does it even matter if I shop for anyone?
I'd rather spend my time and a little of my money enjoying a big cooked meal with people I care about, who aren't going to stress me out. Maybe this whole thing stems from the fact that for 3 holiday seasons I have felt free of holiday obligation because I have been over 400 miles from home and it was all wonderfully stress free. In all honesty there is only ONE part of my family that I even want to entertain the thought of being with on Christmas and that's my dad and his wife. There is just no pressure or stress there, yet I am already trying to con myself out of 2 other visits cause I just don't want to deal with it. It's too much.
This year I already feel like my family has everything it needs or wants. We are all fabulously healthy. We had an amazing birth this year after two heart jerking losses and we do not have to endure another deployment. We are pretty complete. We are not left wanting for anything this year. For me, that's Christmas enough.
I am sending cards, I want people to know I am thinking of them and hoping their family and lives are as complete as mine. I probably won't be baking this year. I don't really have the time or energy for it and honestly I don't think anyone really needs to add more crap to their system than is already going to be there. I have a special handmade gift planned for family members and that's about it.
In a world losing its compassion for each other, a world of increasing consumerism and greed and a world divided on everything including the meaning of Christmas, I just can't feel happy about the holiday in general. I feel happy about my family's accomplishments this year and being closer to people who I am thankful for. Christmas will come and I will be thankful my son has a sparkle in his eye over his new treasures, even if I don't pack the tree with useless stuff. I will think back to my childhood and remember the anticipation of waiting for the day to come and be happy that we have it together enough to provide the kids with a worry free holiday. I will be happy my husband is home again this season and not thousands of miles away in a war zone eating a holiday meal in a chow hall.
I wish everyone a stress free December and please don't go broke over expectations. The only thing anyone should expect from you is your love and support of them and that's all you should expect in return.
"Its about giving, not receiving" they all say. Well why is it so important just once a year to give? Why are we giving crap made in China that's just going to collect some dust after a few uses? My house is packed with crap. I can understand and completely respect that people love to give at Christmas and it makes them feel good. Yes, it's one time a year we all remember to give something to the people we love and we should all feel good about that. It's the drive to feel obligated that jades me. If I don't go shopping to provide people with stuff, will they think less of me? Will they wonder what they did wrong? Does it even matter if I shop for anyone?
I'd rather spend my time and a little of my money enjoying a big cooked meal with people I care about, who aren't going to stress me out. Maybe this whole thing stems from the fact that for 3 holiday seasons I have felt free of holiday obligation because I have been over 400 miles from home and it was all wonderfully stress free. In all honesty there is only ONE part of my family that I even want to entertain the thought of being with on Christmas and that's my dad and his wife. There is just no pressure or stress there, yet I am already trying to con myself out of 2 other visits cause I just don't want to deal with it. It's too much.
This year I already feel like my family has everything it needs or wants. We are all fabulously healthy. We had an amazing birth this year after two heart jerking losses and we do not have to endure another deployment. We are pretty complete. We are not left wanting for anything this year. For me, that's Christmas enough.
I am sending cards, I want people to know I am thinking of them and hoping their family and lives are as complete as mine. I probably won't be baking this year. I don't really have the time or energy for it and honestly I don't think anyone really needs to add more crap to their system than is already going to be there. I have a special handmade gift planned for family members and that's about it.
In a world losing its compassion for each other, a world of increasing consumerism and greed and a world divided on everything including the meaning of Christmas, I just can't feel happy about the holiday in general. I feel happy about my family's accomplishments this year and being closer to people who I am thankful for. Christmas will come and I will be thankful my son has a sparkle in his eye over his new treasures, even if I don't pack the tree with useless stuff. I will think back to my childhood and remember the anticipation of waiting for the day to come and be happy that we have it together enough to provide the kids with a worry free holiday. I will be happy my husband is home again this season and not thousands of miles away in a war zone eating a holiday meal in a chow hall.
I wish everyone a stress free December and please don't go broke over expectations. The only thing anyone should expect from you is your love and support of them and that's all you should expect in return.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
7 days, This is What I am Committed To
It has been 7 days since I have had any communication with my husband. No calls, no texts, no emails. There is probably another 10 days of this silence left. All simply due to a training exercise that is taking place out of state. Training them for who knows what will go down in the middle east next. Training for yet another deployment. More time away from family. More time away from reality. More time reminding them of the frailty of life. I wish everyday all this could just come to an end. I am tired, he is tired and our family is growing weary of all the stress put upon us by The United States Army.
I met Skip and loved him. I waited for him for 15 long months. He came home and I committed to him and this life I live with him now. I agreed to undergo the stress, the heart ache and all the times I would spend alone just so I could have the time we could spend together. I know someday the deployments, the training and the stress will come to an end. But I also know that until that day the imprint of all these events are going to leave a lasting impact on him, on me and on us together. In many ways, it already has.
I have committed to growing a family with him. I've done so knowing that I will be taking on most of the work for the first years as the Army doesn't give him enough time now. I am growing a family with with in anticipation of possibly having a baby with him out of the country some day and missing some of the most important moments of it's life. He has promised me that I will never have to work because he knows how much I am needed at home to make sure our home is a functioning place. Place for our family to grow up healthy. While all that is so very hard now, I know that the sacrifice I make, the pain I feel when I need him more and loneliness of parenting without him is not going to last much longer. The Army doesn't have him forever. Every hour they take know is worth the hours of freedom that is coming with his retirement. It's worth the stability he is giving our family.
I am committed to him for life, knowing that someday I will spend at least 15 years of that without him. I know that someday all I will have are the kids we will raise together because he will be gone long before me. Every nite that he is gone and the last bath has been given, after the stories have been read and the kids are sleeping I sit alone and wonder if the quiet I sit with is what it will be like. Will I sit and remember all the nites he was gone and feel the same I feel now without him? Will the silence be worse with all the kids grown and possibly gone? Will they remember to check on me and make sure I am not sad the same way Aiden asks me if I am ok now? If I am as lucky as Skip's mom, I will get another 30 years to enjoy with him. Even knowing that, I don't think its enough.
There will never be enough time to make up for all our lost time now. All the lost holidays, birthdays, season changes and special life events. We can't turn anything back and try for it again. We can't get back our lost hours when he gets called in. But we can stay committed thru all of it. We can promise to never leave during our worst moments when life makes us crack. Promise to not quit when we feel like the future is not going to be as we hoped. We won't give up when the path is just too much to take.
10 more days before a phone call. 10 more lonely nites of thinking about what life would be like without him. Then all I can do is hope for a beautiful 90 days before I have to endure the next deployment. Commitment, that's how you get it done.
I met Skip and loved him. I waited for him for 15 long months. He came home and I committed to him and this life I live with him now. I agreed to undergo the stress, the heart ache and all the times I would spend alone just so I could have the time we could spend together. I know someday the deployments, the training and the stress will come to an end. But I also know that until that day the imprint of all these events are going to leave a lasting impact on him, on me and on us together. In many ways, it already has.
I have committed to growing a family with him. I've done so knowing that I will be taking on most of the work for the first years as the Army doesn't give him enough time now. I am growing a family with with in anticipation of possibly having a baby with him out of the country some day and missing some of the most important moments of it's life. He has promised me that I will never have to work because he knows how much I am needed at home to make sure our home is a functioning place. Place for our family to grow up healthy. While all that is so very hard now, I know that the sacrifice I make, the pain I feel when I need him more and loneliness of parenting without him is not going to last much longer. The Army doesn't have him forever. Every hour they take know is worth the hours of freedom that is coming with his retirement. It's worth the stability he is giving our family.
I am committed to him for life, knowing that someday I will spend at least 15 years of that without him. I know that someday all I will have are the kids we will raise together because he will be gone long before me. Every nite that he is gone and the last bath has been given, after the stories have been read and the kids are sleeping I sit alone and wonder if the quiet I sit with is what it will be like. Will I sit and remember all the nites he was gone and feel the same I feel now without him? Will the silence be worse with all the kids grown and possibly gone? Will they remember to check on me and make sure I am not sad the same way Aiden asks me if I am ok now? If I am as lucky as Skip's mom, I will get another 30 years to enjoy with him. Even knowing that, I don't think its enough.
There will never be enough time to make up for all our lost time now. All the lost holidays, birthdays, season changes and special life events. We can't turn anything back and try for it again. We can't get back our lost hours when he gets called in. But we can stay committed thru all of it. We can promise to never leave during our worst moments when life makes us crack. Promise to not quit when we feel like the future is not going to be as we hoped. We won't give up when the path is just too much to take.
10 more days before a phone call. 10 more lonely nites of thinking about what life would be like without him. Then all I can do is hope for a beautiful 90 days before I have to endure the next deployment. Commitment, that's how you get it done.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
30 Days
Well Husband left last nite for the National Training Center in California for 30 days. Sucks, not even going to lie. Once he is home from this we have just over 90 days before the next deployment hits. I could have used this 30 days to be with him. But hey!! Lets jump up and down with excitement because they are training at the "Best training facility in the world!!" according to the commander. Insert eye roll here.
In any case, no point in moping around I guess. I am going to spend the next 30 days purging my house of junk we aren't using. I am not real sure where to start, but I have a few closets and cabinets that could use some thinning out. I know I have some crazy cleaning to do in the garage. It has boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked simply because it's stuff not being used. Hoping I can make a small fortune on craigslist this month. That would rock!
I need to do the kid's fall photos this week while its still decent. Going to pick up some pumpkins and haul them to the park. Also need to make a couple of light reflectors.
Still up in the air about posting to Facebook while Skip is gone. I did purge my friend list when I stopped, so I know everyone on there now. I miss it, but then again I don't. So I dunno.
If you are bored anytime in the next 30 days call me, come on down or bring the kids and we can hit the park!
In any case, no point in moping around I guess. I am going to spend the next 30 days purging my house of junk we aren't using. I am not real sure where to start, but I have a few closets and cabinets that could use some thinning out. I know I have some crazy cleaning to do in the garage. It has boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked simply because it's stuff not being used. Hoping I can make a small fortune on craigslist this month. That would rock!
I need to do the kid's fall photos this week while its still decent. Going to pick up some pumpkins and haul them to the park. Also need to make a couple of light reflectors.
Still up in the air about posting to Facebook while Skip is gone. I did purge my friend list when I stopped, so I know everyone on there now. I miss it, but then again I don't. So I dunno.
If you are bored anytime in the next 30 days call me, come on down or bring the kids and we can hit the park!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Weekend Retreat
Well the family got a wonderful treat this past weekend. An all expenses paid weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado at the Beaver Run Resort. Skip's unit was hosting a marriage retreat and we got booked off the waiting list. Totally awesome.
The drive up there is simply beautiful. All the fall colors are starting to show and 3 hours of that was totally worth it! We got there and pretty much expected a room with a couple beds, but boy were we surprised when we walked into this:
.JPG)
.JPG)
The drive up there is simply beautiful. All the fall colors are starting to show and 3 hours of that was totally worth it! We got there and pretty much expected a room with a couple beds, but boy were we surprised when we walked into this:
.JPG)
.JPG)
700 square feet of total amazing!! We had a living room, dining area, fully equipped kitchen, full bath and a room with a queen and twin bed. Also a wood burning fireplace and balcony. Seriously, this room was bigger than my first apartment! The view was great!
We did have to spend some time going to a marriage class that used The Five Love Languages as it's base, but it really wasn't bad. Skip and I scored exactly the same as far as how we speak love, which I expected anyways, but it was really the other people that made me realize how good we are. I think we were the only ones that didn't sign up for individual counseling with the Chaplin. The amount of hate and discontent I heard coming from the women was out of this world. The amount of complaining about a totally free trip was just sad.
Skip and I also realized that while having kids is certainly a lot of work and it does take time from one on one activities, we have built them into our marriage. While Fiona did not spend any time in the provided day care services, Aiden did want to go play with the other kids and we reluctantly let him go. I was almost sad for the kids who's parents were all to happy to get rid of them. I am thankful we have found ways to stay close to each other with the demands of children 24/7. I feel like that is nothing short of a huge accomplishment in today's world of disliking children.
The weekend was fab. We watched some TV(a luxury we do not pay for at home), cooked for each other and just enjoyed the time away and the time to really see what we actually have with each other. We came home a new found appreciation for the times we do argue knowing its rare. We love our kids, we love how included they are and we love that we are satisfied with the time we get together. Nothing is really worth complaining about or hating your spouse over.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Putting the Brakes on Social Networking
A girl I met in my Bradley class posted on FB last week that she was taking a break from the site. She explained she wanted to work on her real life relationships with people that would actually show up to a dinner party. She removed all her photos and made everything private. I totally understand where she is coming from on this.
I love Facebook. It has been an amazing tool to keep in close contact with those I cannot see often and was even better when I left for Kansas and wasn't close to anybody. It kept me feeling close and left no pause or loneliness in the friend department. I've posted photos, opinions, crazy shit at the time I have seen it, important info and just anything to start a conversation with people I know and don't know.
I have kept up with happenings from people who have moved away that I would have probably otherwise lost contact with. It's been fun and interesting. But it's coming to an end for me. I realized last week that maybe half (and that's a big fat maybe)would indeed show up to a dinner party. Even fewer actually speak with me on the phone and some I haven't even seen in a few years. I have realized there is no opinion left to post. Not one bit of information left to educate anyone on.
I have come to a place in my life that I have discovered a strong calling and opinions on some unpopular subjects that really test the ability of others to see past what they have been taught otherwise and I do not think that staying within the realms of Facebook is going to actually change anyone. Nor do I really care to change the opinion of the people I know any longer. I've got a bigger audience out there to deal with.
So with all that in mind, I have decided that while I am not deactivating my account, I will no longer post updates. opinions studies, etc to Facebook. I may still make comments on others people's things, but my life is here in this blog and the real world. I am picking up a REAL camera again and taking actual photos of my life and they will go here. My blog. My personal place of sharing.
If you have the time to leave Facebook and visit me here, so be it. If you have the time to pick up the phone and text or call me, I'd love it. If you want to take the time to actually meet up, then you are one of few.
My Facebook wall is now private. I will respond to messages left there, in my inbox or on the messenger. If you see things here you wish to share, please feel free to share the link, but you will have to come here to get updates, I will no longer post the new links to FB.
The links to this blog, my business blog and the photo blog can all be found under my info.
Thanks Facebook, you have been awesome, but its time for me to step back and find what friends would actually drop what they are doing and help me out if I made that phone call.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)