Things Gone Unsaid

I haven't written anything here since December.  That's very unlike me. It's not been for lack of subjects, things happening or things to say.  I just haven't been able to bring myself to write anything for a couple of reasons.  The physical and mental exhaustion I have been experiencing has been so overwhelming that the thought of taking time to to write something just made me want to cry about it. Also most everything I think about and want to write about is not very mainstream and I always feel like I am wasting my time talking about some of these things.  I don't have an audience that cares very much about those things, actually I don't have much of an audience. So I just haven't been able to bring myself to sit and hammer something out.  Not even small updates because my life has been so up and down over the past 6 months to a year, I mostly feel like I don't even want to talk about it.

I've been plagued with serious anxiety, some depression and overall sadness during this pregnancy.  Not at all what I expected. The pregnancy with Fiona was so smooth and easy that I really expected the same thing.  But the change of environment and my husband's job here has not made that possible. It's been very emotional and disappointing many days. I have of course had nothing but support and happiness from the people I am closest to, without that much I feel like things would have been so much worse.

With all that being said I am sitting here pretty much just waiting for labor to start.  I can go any day now.  But being this close has made my anxiety levels go through the roof for very stupid and simple reasons.  I simply am not feeling safe here. And I am not talking gang banger, shoot em up unsafe.  Just emotionally unsafe.  My pregnancy and birth with Aiden was probably one of the worst times of emotional abuse in my life.  I don't talk about it often or in depth because it was just that awful, but I am always finding myself looking back at that and worrying about another outcome that lead to the severe postpartum depression I endured as well as further abuse I sustained at the hands of people I should have been able to trust. Naturally being back in the same place where it all happened makes me feel vulnerable and brings back so much that I just don't know how to process it.  Maybe I am just being thinned skinned and letting it bug me.

I had no such issues with Fiona. I was safely tucked away in Kansas without a worry in the world.  There was no one there that could bug me and no one there that could just drop in and set my world spinning.  The only time I even had the smallest freak out was when my Mom came to stay for 10 days and I hadn't had her yet. Talking my body down during that time and telling myself it was okay and that she no longer had any control was a very difficult task, given she was one of my abusers during my pregnancy  and postpartum with Aiden.   I had Fiona about 48 hours before she was due to leave and I spent that time in bed not allowing anyone but Skip to touch her.  I know this pissed her off, but I had no reason to care or fear her. I wasn't about to let her in enough to do so.

Now come back to Colorado and I almost don't feel like I am on level playing field.  The fact of the matter is my mother continues to be a pain in my backside and continues to cause me anxiety for reasons unknown to me. I was very happy to come back here when we found out.  My dad and his wife are wonderful people and the ability to see them more often was thrilling.  My grandparents and Aunt whom I have worked hard with to bring back a functioning relationship have been a real blessing.  Yet I sit here with these great people in my life and still can only find myself worrying about my nut job mother.  I worry damn well knowing my husband isn't about to let a thing happen to me at her hands and chances are neither will anyone else for that matter.

I just simply cannot explain why ONE person makes me feel so unsafe.  I feel like I should know better.  I feel like I should just be over all of it and it shouldn't effect me the way it does.  I cannot figure it out. So I am just writing it down and getting it off my chest so I no longer feel like I am holding this in.  I don't want it effecting my labor and delivery because I sat here and worried and told no one. I have enough other challenges I am dealing with and I just don't need this one to be at the top of them.

My birth plans do not include her for many reasons and I can say at least I feel good about that part. I just want to give birth in peace without worry about her aftermath. I don't want my story told with her extra embellishments of fantasy. I don't want her hanging around here in an attempt to scare off people who want to see me(namely family) because she thinks she is going to try and control the situation.

I have learned since being back here that I have a lot of unfinished emotional business that I need to deal with.  That was truly one of the last things I expected. I thought I had climbed and beat those hurdles. I have no idea how to just let it all go, especially when I thought I had already done so. It's now said and public knowledge. Hopefully I can let it go long enough to get thru this.