The Joy of Family and What it is Teaching Me

I have a big over sized coffee mug of Rice Krispies with some sugar in front of me. At 30 weeks pregnant and not much of an appetite still, it's one of the few things that really tastes good. It's my lunch many days. There are pieces of taco shell smashed into the carpet from the table all the way up the stairs. Fiona and Phoebe half playing and half eating them before nap time. Which it appears Phoebe has gone down, but Fiona is still protesting some.  I am hoping she hasn't taken her diaper off and peed in the crib again as a form of protest. I am considering duct tape as a possible problem solver here. My kitchen floor is sticky where Phoebe was painting with her sippy cup, can't wait for new ones I know are coming for Christmas.

Many days I would imagine my life looks like a total disaster from the outside. Kids running and screaming. Getting into things and making messes bigger than life.  I probably seem overly permissive about it all. But really what's to be up tight about? I won't always have toddlers running a muck or an obnoxious 8 year old that likes to instigate things either. I will not always be this busy with them and I know someday I will have time for other things(like cleaning more). For now almost everything I do revolves around the care of my family, three kids, a husband and a pending birth. Many days caring for me comes sometime at the end of the evening or not at all. That's really ok. So many times they need me more than I need me and I am happy to be there.

My kids and husband teach me a lot. Sometimes I am a hard learner and I long for things to be simpler and to require less thought, but they are building me just as much as I am helping to build them. It's no easy task and I have days where I am dying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my tunnel is still quite long!

My dear Aiden is teaching me to not look at and judge someone from where they come from. It's the hardest thing to do and so easy to just compare and look for solutions based on that. But I am learning to look past so much. He is teaching patience and to strive to understand things I normally would not bother with. He teaches me to try harder and to try gentler than I am used to. I have spent so much time beating myself up over Aiden and the things I should have done or could have done only to realize non of it matters. He has taught me to be a little easier on myself and give some grace when needed.

Fiona is a teacher of self control. As in the ONLY control one has is over themselves. You simply cannot control another human. She teaches me compromise. Fiona teaches me everyday to not sweat the small stuff. She has shown me not to cry over spilled milk or smashed in food.  Not to worry about wall coloring, whether it be crayons, marker or peanut butter.  It all washes off, sometimes with a little more elbow power than not. Fiona has made me ever thankful to the inventor of the vacuum cleaner.

Phoebe, while still small has a very powerful lesson she reminds of every single day. Many many times a day. No matter what you are doing you are never too busy to stop, reconnect and love the ones around you. Almost without fail every task I set upon she stops me to be held, hugged and kissed.  Sometimes its just moments before she is off to make a mess with Fiona. Other times it takes so long I forget what I was doing as I listen to her babble at me and rest her head on my shoulder. Ignoring her is not an option. Slow down mom, come back to earth is her message. Turn off your phone, your computer. Put down the laundry or dishes. It can wait. You are needed here and now. It's hard to not just ask for 5 more minutes or try to cut short the time she needs in favor of actually getting something done, but I am reminded that one day she won't be asking me for this extra attention and I will be looking for it. Relationships are most important. Phoebe already knows this.

My husband.  He has probably taught me more things in the 7 years I have known him than I can count. I always feel challenged by him in both positive and negative ways. But those challenges make me think and find better ways to respond. Much like Aiden, he forces me to stop and get onto a different level and think about the other side. Many times I do not enjoy it, but seeing it is helpful. I have learned that just because I take a higher road doesn't mean everyone is going to follow suite. I am learning when to keep quiet in matters that I feel strongly about because sometimes it benefits no one to speak up about it. There are many times that I find him to be the hardest part of my day, but despite that the frustration, it is not permanent and I have learned to forgive and not hold a grudge. He has shown me that no matter how old you are, there is no such thing as perfection and we are all going to fall short of someone else's expectations and there isn't any shame in that.

Marriage and family are hard work, but it's not without joy and happiness. I don't earn a paycheck, but what I do earn cannot be measured in monetary value. When naps don't happen or I have been pushed to my limits, I question what I am doing. I wonder what it would all be like if I hadn't signed up. Where would I be, what would I be offering this world? When I wake up rested I always remember those are such silly thoughts when my kids smile at me first thing in the morning.  When my husband gets home to change and kisses me. There really isn't anywhere else I would rather be, but managing all this craziness everyday.

7 days, This is What I am Committed To

It has been 7 days since I have had any communication with my husband.  No calls, no texts, no emails. There is probably another 10 days of this silence left.  All simply due to a training exercise that is taking place out of state. Training them for who knows what will go down in the middle east next.  Training for yet another deployment.  More time away from family.  More time away from reality. More time reminding them of the frailty of life. I wish everyday all this could just come to an end.  I am tired, he is tired and our family is growing weary of all the stress put upon us by The United States Army.

I met Skip and loved him.  I waited for him for 15 long months.  He came home and I committed to him and this life I live with him now.  I agreed to undergo the stress, the heart ache and all the times I would spend alone just so I could have the time we could spend together.  I know someday the deployments, the training and the stress will come to an end. But I also know that until that day the imprint of all these events are going to leave a lasting impact on him, on me and on us together. In many ways, it already has.

I have committed to growing a family with him.  I've done so knowing that I will be taking on most of the work for the first years as the Army doesn't give him enough time now.  I am growing a family with with in anticipation of possibly having a baby with him out of the country some day and missing some of the most important moments of it's life.  He has promised me that I will never have to work because he knows how much I am needed at home to make sure our home is a functioning place.  Place for our family to grow up healthy. While all that is so very hard now, I know that the sacrifice I make, the pain I feel when I need him more and loneliness of parenting without him is not going to last much longer.  The Army doesn't have him forever.  Every hour they take know is worth the hours of freedom that is coming with his retirement.  It's worth the stability he is giving our family.

I am committed to him for life, knowing that someday I will spend at least 15 years of that without him. I know that someday all I will have are the kids we will raise together because he will be gone long before me. Every nite that he is gone and the last bath has been given, after the stories have been read and the kids are sleeping I sit alone and wonder if the quiet I sit with is what it will be like.  Will I sit and remember all the nites he was gone and feel the same I feel now without him? Will the silence be worse with all the kids grown and possibly gone? Will they remember to check on me and make sure I am not sad the same way Aiden asks me if I am ok now? If I am as lucky as Skip's mom, I will get another 30 years to enjoy with him. Even knowing that, I don't think its enough.

There will never be enough time to make up for all our lost time now. All the lost holidays, birthdays, season changes and special life events.  We can't turn anything back and try for it again.  We can't get back our lost hours when he gets called in.  But we can stay committed thru all of it.  We can promise to never leave during our worst moments when life makes us crack.  Promise to not quit when we feel like the future is not going to be as we hoped. We won't give up when the path is just too much to take.

10 more days before a phone call. 10 more lonely nites of thinking about what life would be like without him. Then all I can do is hope for a beautiful 90 days before I have to endure the next deployment.  Commitment, that's how you get it done.

Weekend Retreat

Well the family got a wonderful treat this past weekend.  An all expenses paid weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado at the Beaver Run Resort. Skip's unit was hosting a marriage retreat and we got booked off the waiting list.  Totally awesome.

The drive up there is simply beautiful.  All the fall colors are starting to show and 3 hours of that was totally worth it! We got there and pretty much expected a room with a couple beds, but boy were we surprised when we walked into this:

700 square feet of total amazing!! We had a living room, dining area, fully equipped kitchen, full bath and a room with a queen and twin bed.  Also a wood burning fireplace and balcony.   Seriously, this room was bigger than my first apartment!   The view was great!

We did have to spend some time going to a marriage class that used The Five Love Languages as it's base, but it really wasn't bad.  Skip and I scored exactly the same as far as how we speak love, which I expected anyways, but it was really the other people that made me realize how good we are.  I think we were the only ones that didn't sign up for individual counseling with the Chaplin. The amount of hate and discontent I heard coming from the women was out of this world.  The amount of complaining about a totally free trip was just sad. 

Skip and I also realized that while having kids is certainly a lot of work and it does take time from one on one activities, we have built them into our marriage.  While Fiona did not spend any time in the provided day care services, Aiden did want to go play with the other kids and we reluctantly let him go. I was almost sad for the kids who's parents were all to happy to get rid of them. I am thankful we have found ways to stay close to each other with the demands of children 24/7.  I feel like that is nothing short of a huge accomplishment in today's world of disliking children.  

The weekend was fab.  We watched some TV(a luxury we do not pay for at home), cooked for each other and just enjoyed the time away and the time to really see what we actually have with each other.  We came home a new found appreciation for the times we do argue knowing its rare.  We love our kids, we love how included they are and we love that we are satisfied with the time we get together.  Nothing is really worth complaining about or hating your spouse over.  

Chick-Fil-A: Messages of Hate?

This past week CEO of Chick-Fil-A was quoted saying

 "We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit, We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that."

It has turned in a bashing fest across America.  People claiming the company "hates gays", calling for boycotting the company and so forth.  Today an appreciation day was called in honor of the company for standing by their beliefs and having the right to say so.  From what I can see in my own town as well as hearing about the event in others, people still support the company in a big way.

That statement does not speak one word of hate.  It is simply a statement of belief.  Since when is that hateful?  Hate is an intense hostility and aversion to something.  I see nothing of the sort in that statement.

What is hateful is the response of the public toward it.  The anger over something this country was founded on, freedom to practice ones own religion.  We are allowed to feel, think and speak our minds in this country.  Yes, sometimes it offends.  If we cannot be honest and express our feelings, morals and beliefs, then what freedom do we really have?

I am not religious.  Not a single bit. I respect anyone who is and who has a deep relationship with G-d and it does not offend me. I enjoy learning about what drives them toward it, how it effects their lives, the values and depth of love it brings them.  It's amazing really.  But there are 2 kinds of Christians in this world, the kind that do not spread hateful messages in the name of their savior and the ones that do.

Its that second group of people you have to watch out for.  I've known parties in both camps and the ones that have a true love and understanding of their religion are really very amazing people.  They literally could not do any harm or be hateful if their lives depended on it.  They harbor no ill fate for anyone or anything.  They simply go about their lives with the love of the Lord in their hearts. That is how it should be.

Chick-Fil-A did not say or intend anything hateful.  They exercised their rights to speak and follow a religion, the foundation of this country.  To go about a nasty, ugly rant about and spread words of hate, well that my friends is flat out un-American and not very Christian like.

At the end of the day, marriage between two men or two women is not being held back by religion, it's being held back by government.  Don't get mad at the God loving folks, get pissed at your elected officials who have no business regulating marriage.  This is a free country after all, that includes freedom to love and marry whom you choose as long as its done in love and understanding.

Some Advice for the Men

I want to start this off saying two wrongs don't make a right.  And I say that because I am about to do a little trash talking on men here and I don't want to hear the "well more women do men wrong because...." crap.  If you are in a position to not do wrong, then don't. There is no point in going out of your way to make a women miserable, take away her self worth, talk trash etc. Be the bigger man. I am a FIRM believer in doing to others as you wish done to you, no matter how crappy they are doing you. It won't make you a better person or get you ahead by playing their games.  We are all individuals, we have individual relationships with our partners and we cannot base our actions on that of herd mentality.

With that being said, this is going to be a post about the pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding mother.  There will be strong and to some, objectionable language.  Read at your own risk.  These are my opinions based on personal experience and following some of the heart breaking experiences of other women. It needs to be understood, that while in  the public eye men and women are seen as equals as far as careers, jobs, voting etc is concerned, physically and biologically we are not equal or the same.  Men typically have a greater deal of physical strength, the advantage of a consistent hormone flow resulting in near non-existent mood swings based on a complicated chemical cocktails that women otherwise are quite often subject to.

I follow a number of pregnancy, child rearing and breastfeeding groups.  On a daily basis I see terrible things being posted by women that are truly at the end of their ropes because of the way they have been made to feel by their husbands in regards to these matters and sex. I do not believe sex is a by product of a relationship.  It is very clearly plays an important role in a relationship.  It is not something that can just dry up and somehow the relationship stays awesome.  Just not going to happen.  There is clearly a need for intimacy.  Anyone who says otherwise is a fool.  On the other hand, there should be the expectation that at certain points in a relationship things may slow down or maybe even stop on a temporary basis.  The key to this is temporary.  It MUST be accepted and both partners should continue to work together to get back to normal.  Even if that takes time.  Periods of stress, illness, pregnancy and child rearing can all take their tolls.  This should be expected as it is a normal part of life.

I am going to start with men and pregnancy.  Clearly your wife/girlfriend puts out, she's pregnant.  Do not expect her to be banging your brains out with the same kind of urgency or frequency during all 40+ weeks of the pregnancy.  There is a WHOLE host of things going on with her body and her brain.  She may want it more, she may want it less.  The point is, you should respect that.  Morning sickness is not a side effect that just occurs in the morning.  For some it is an all day thing. For others it can happen anytime without warning.  Both of my pregnancies I was sick at nite, usually right before getting into bed. You know what that means?  Ya, most nites he went without during that time. Did I get crap for it?  No, my husband happens to respect my body and the miracle it was preforming. Also, I don't think he wanted me to puke all over our bed.  However I cannot tell you how many stories I have read about women who have husbands that get pissed at them for not working thru it.  Women with hyperemesis gravidarum who cannot stop vomiting have admitted to just laying there and letting their husbands do the deed while forming a hate for the man they love because he could not bother to think without his cock. Growing a baby takes a lot from the woman growing it.  She is subject to bouts of extreme exhaustion, severe hormonal imbalance and straight up periods of feeling helpless, unsexy and maybe even bitter. A pregnant woman is on public display.  She's poked and prodded by her care providers, asked stupid questions by total strangers(and might I add idiots)and is preparing for the most unpredictable day of her life.  Really think about how you want to treat this woman.  She is not a piece of meat for your taking. Give her a break during pregnancy.  She will thank you and not resent you. 

Another HUGE break down point for women is postpartum sex.  Somewhere there is this 6 week rule.  Men seem to believe that after the 6 week check that ensures the uterus is back to shape, the cervix is finally closed and birth control gets talked about, that it's game on and his wife better start putting out. Guess what guys, when you met your wife/girlfriend did you fall in love with her uterus and cervix?  I didn't think so.  Just because those body parts are healed, doesn't mean as a person she is. At 6 weeks your infant is probably still eating around the clock.  It's very tiring.  If your partner had a rough delivery, guess what she could still have a WHOLE host of physical things stopping her from having sex with you.  If she tore or had an episiotomy I can promise you she is still hurting.  And depending on the degree of damage it could take a year or more of healing before she's no longer in pain. Read the comments here from women discussing the issues. Six weeks is not a magic number.  Don't start demanding sex from her just because her uterus and cervix are ready to go.  

Finally, breastfeeding.  You wouldn't think right off that this causes an issue, but oh boy the stories I have come across!! Everything from husbands not allowing their wives to breastfeed because they didn't want to share, being embarrassed, and forcing them to wean at some magic age because they didn't want it to become sexuality gratifying for their wives.  What the Hell guys, are you serious?  If a woman decides that breastfeeding is best for your child, then go with it.  She's doing some things for you in the long run. One, she could be saving your baby's life.  Breastfeeding is linked to lower SID's risks. It forms a chemical bond from the start helping your wife be a better mother as well.  Two, she's saving your bank account. Formula alone will cost you around $3,000 in the first year.  You can also plan on less co-pays as breastfed babies are sick less often.  Further more your kids IQ will be higher, this could save on college costs because maybe he/she will get a scholarship.  Your child will be less likely to need braces as breastfeeding helps develop a healthy pallet for teeth to grow in. Please know your wife is not, I repeat IS NOT getting off while feeding your kid. No matter the age of the child.  She is not addicted to it, she does not prefer it to you. She is simply taking care of the needs of your child in the most natural way possible.  There is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. Her breasts are multifunctional.  She can nourish with them and arouse you with them.  That's a pretty amazing body part if you ask me.

By no means is this meant for all men nor should men read this and think I am saying it's okay for them to get stomped on by their pregnant, postpartum, lactating wife.  No, what I am saying is the road into parenthood is a road in a new direction.  You need to be prepared for things to change a bit. The change does not have to be negative.  It also doesn't have to be permanent, but it's going to occur.  Be a gracious passenger with your wife and you both will grow together.  Hopefully you both had a solid foundation before getting knocked up, if not I would suggest getting one.  Having kids is a surefire way to rip people apart when one or both parties make fools of themselves.

Its heartbreaking to read about women who truly want to be intimate with their partners, but are struggling with these things and being made to feel selfish, inadequate or being accused of loving their kids more. Intimacy doesn't always mean being balls deep.

Sometimes ironing his shirts isn't enough

Her husband was fired this week over what appears to be a minor and ridiculous infraction.  However when you really start looking at the situation you see that the  minor infraction was just the icing on the cake.  His work performance was waning, he was drinking and his employees were afraid to interact with him.  He was becoming careless and his drive just diminished.

While all this played out before his wife's eyes she did nothing but pester, negatively criticize, put him down and refused to help him become a better man because she felt she was wife enough.  After all she was still ironing his work shirts with her own busy schedule to contend with.  What more could the man have possibly needed?  It was too selfish of him to ask for her support or expect it of her.  Too selfish to ask her to carve out some time to be a wife and show him a loving hand.

He received no words of encouragement when he lost his job.  He heard, "I told you so."  He also heard a wife tell him she wasn't going to support him, pay his bills, cover his health insurance that he nor his child no longer carry.  She told him she was the "bread winner" now and if he had anything to say about it, well he had another thing coming to him.  The only person she was concerned with was herself and pulling herself through.

He must be a horribly abusive jerk right?  He must have beaten her, verbally abused her and held her down.  He must be controlling and have no heart.   I mean that's the ONLY reason a wife would do such a thing.  No, sorry this is no movie playing out a scorned woman's revenge.  He has never lifted a hand to her. Never let her be without.  He has taken care of her through multiple health issues, supported her career decisions and even did right by her children.

But she irons his shirts every week and that should be good enough.  If I could tell this man to pack and run I would.  Run far away from this and don't look back.  You deserve better.

Walk Me Down the Middle

I was meant to be by your side
And I have waited here a long time
For you to turn around and notice me
But now you're here holding hands with me

Walk me down the middle of the county fair
Walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel
And make sure that she sees
Let the whole world know you belong to me

I heard about your bitter end
About how she stole your heart and put it back again
Well I may not be the prettiest girl around
But I sure am a sight for sore, sore eyes
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_band_perry/walk_me_down_the_middle.html ]
Walk me down the middle of Main Street
Walk me down where the whole town will be
I don't need no parade
But make sure that she sees
Let the whole word know you belong to me

I'd walk through fire for you
Walk through barbed wire for you
I'd walk for miles, it's true
Just to be with you

If you walk me down the middle of my momma's church
Walk me down that aisle in your finest shirt
Let the whole world know you will
Walk me down the middle of the county fair
Walk me down the middle like you don't care
Walk me by the ferris wheel
And make sure they see
Let the whole world know you belong to me
You belong to me

-The Band Perry

Who Comes First In Your House?

Just got done reading a FABULOUS post by Shelia over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum about your husband trumping your children.  Having your relationship with your partner always come first in your home is something I have always thought was important.  I grew up with what I believe was a mother who clearly put my brother and I first and it resulted in us kids living through their terrible relationship and divorce.   It cheated me out of a dad and a healthy up bringing.

The fact of the matter is no child wants to live without both parents.  If that can be prevented, why aren't more people putting forth the effort? The comment by a reader that started Sheila's post on an article she wrote about making your bedroom a kid free zone was this," while you can divorce your husband, most women wouldn't dream of divorcing their kids." To be quite honest with you, if you have to enter a marriage with the thought that someday you may need to divorce, then you need to not walk down the isle.   I wish I would have thought about that harder the first time around.  If anything having children makes the father an absolute permanent figure in your life for the rest of your life!  Even if he takes off, gets killed or some other man adopts your children.   Your children are half the person you made a promise to.  You will forever have to look into their eyes and remember that.  PERIOD.  


Just remember that an ounce of prevention is worth saving yourself a lifetime of problems.  Dote on your husband, nurture your marriage and through that, your children are also nurtured.  Ultimately they are put first through your relationship by insuring a safe and stable home with two parents they need.  You and your husband should be one unit. A unit cannot separate and go its own way.  

Technology and Your Relationship

It's Wifey Wednesday again. I am trying very hard to participate every week.   This weeks topic on Shelia's Blog is about drawing the line with texting and Facebook.  This is really a subject Skip and I don't really have an issue with.   We know who the other is texting and more than half the time we are talking about what we are texting or I am doing it for Skip since he can't see the darn screen anyways.  Same goes for chatting over FB.   We are friends with each other so there is no hiding posts or comments and we both frequently scroll through each others pages to see what's going on.  I remain friends with some of my guy friends and he has been found by many of his old "girl friends" from way back.  There has never been an issue.  He doesn't actually chat with them.


I suppose it could be very easy to get into a virtual "affair" by not actually thinking you aren't doing anything wrong.   It might start with some memories about the old days and then before you know it this old flame becomes a confident and then it's this crazy spiral into something you never expected.  I see it all the time from women writing into columns about old lovers finding them I personally can't get my head around it.  I think it kind of goes back to what I said last week, want what you already have and you won't find yourself longing for more when you "go back" with this friend of yours.

Shelia says if you have to hide whats on your phone or computer, things have gone too far.   I could not agree more.   Skip and I often sit side by side with phones or computers and never had to turn a screen away.  Our phones do not have passwords and we also have email access to each others account.   It's not like we are checking on each other because we don't have trust, it's because there isn't any need for the privacy.


Perhaps that's where your technology relationship should start with each other, not needing the privacy.  Once you need that, it's all over.


On a side note, my friends on FB irritate me more than Skip.


**EDIT**  I was contacted by a good friend's husband last nite that encouraged us to password our smart phones based on the fact that if we lost them, our info could quite easily get us in some serious trouble.  He does software security and purposely thinks of ways to steal people's information.  So on that note, phones are passworded, but we still both have access.  Never thought about the theft part before.

Kids Dating

I have to talk about this one tonite because it bothers me.  Children should not be dating.  They should be taught the importance of not moving from boy to boy or from girl to girl at a young age.  Dating is courtship, courtship should be leading to a serious commitment...marriage.  A child cannot get married.  They can't even comprehend the idea of a life long commitment when they are allowed to move from person to person, handing themselves off to whomever looks their way.  There is no way they can learn how to have a lasting relationship through the good times and bad times when they break up and date someone new every other week.

I didn't date simply because I was told NO.  There was never any reason other than, "because I said so."  Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 13 and I got stuck with my mom who didn't teach me anything but bitterness.  I have no doubt I would have never gotten mixed up with my ex-husband if I had been taught the importance of a relationship. That 2 people should compliment each other.  Be one together and be strong together.  A relationship should be about building a better life and achieving goals that mean something to you as a couple.  I am very lucky to have found someone who helped me understand this. We are one and we make each other stronger.

A girl or boy of 12, 13, 14 etc is just not going to be able to understand that. Not to mention at that age they are still being cared for by their parents and there is simply no need to have someone else to take care of you.  You can't even really take care of yourself without an adult at that age.  You are still learning your strengths and weaknesses.  You still don't know who you are.  How can you honestly know at that age if another child is going to strengthen you?  What do you really have to offer that the parents aren't already providing?  A women provides a clean home, soft shoulder for ones head, meals and tender hands to care for children.  A man provides income, a firm voice in important matters, he is a role model to his children, he keeps his family safe.   Children cannot offer any of these things, because they are still children running to their mother's shoulder, still children being protected by their fathers.

It should not be ok for a parent to watch and allow their child to date one kid this week and a new one next week.  It should NOT be ok to watch their daughter be treated like a pass around nor their sons being disrespectful by passing said girls around.  What are we teaching our girls?   That it is not important to have some self respect and dignity?  That it is ok to just move from boy to boy and not think a thing about it?  Our boys, what is being taught to them?   That it is ok to have a harem of girls? That anything lasting is not worth it? These actions are going to follow them into adulthood and seriously impair their ability to find someone and hold onto them.  They are going to give themselves away who knows how many times before getting married. Nothing will be special when that day comes.  Then if they do ever get married, what are the chances they will stay together?  What's to say they decide that it is easier to just pack bags and find someone else based on what they learned in their past?

I want my kids to know there is someone out there that needs them.  They don't need to play the field as a child to find that person.  I want them to be selective and careful about who they choose to promise the rest of their lives to, because I really want it to be a one time thing for them.  I want them to really have an understanding of the importance of love and what it means.  What it does to life, the wonders of it, the trials of it.  Love is not easy, but it's not hard.  It's full filling.  You aren't going to get that by voluntarily being a pass around.  You won't be able to appreciate one person for who they are without comparing them to all the people before them.  No one deserves that.

Get a handle on your kids now. Teach them that marriage and the relationship that leads to it is a sacred thing and should not be taken for granted, that it is not found after the 100th person you dated.  Teach them to be kids now and teach them the responsibility they will have to a spouse. Prepare them by example, give them something to look up to, something to desire because it is such a good thing. Leave no question in their eyes about the importance of a mature, healthy relationship.  Your kids will thank you for it.

Sheila's Wifey Wednesday

Sheila over at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum posts things about being a good wife every Wednesday.  I thought today's post was interesting, it's about wives fantasizing about other men.  Particularly famous men, sports players, actors, etc.  Also the subject of women preferring a friends husband to her own for whatever reason.

I have no crush on any famous person nor do I on anyone else's husband for that matter.  Ya I might get all excited about Gerard Butler in a kilt, but that's about as far as it goes. Even then I think that was a one time thing during a very boring night when Skip was deployed.  I don't march around the house declaring how much I am "in love" with someone I will never meet.  It seems pretty pointless to me. Also pretty childlike.  I love Skip and that's that.  Aiden certainly doesn't need to see or hear that.

My mom is like this about Johnny Depp.  ( I had to look that up to spell it right)  She has her WHOLE office covered with pictures of him, posters you name it.  She runs out and gets every DVD as soon as it is out and just moons over him.  IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND.  And what's worse is he has even played into it by buying her some of those things.  I just don't get it.  Skip wouldn't tolerate that.  I also wouldn't tolerate that from him.

Maybe women should just turn off their TV's, quit comparing their husbands to other men and start wanting the thing's they already have.  When you fantasize about things you don't have in your relationship, it makes it easier to think your relationship is bad.  It makes you want more and more.  It strains things and makes your spouse think he (or she for that matter) has to live up to expectations that may not be deliverable for the life situation you are in.

So ladies make a point of always saying once nice thing to your husband everyday.  Make a point about saying nice things about him in public.  Lead your lady friends by example.  Stop listening when they complain about their relationship, guide them back to their husbands to deal with their situation in private.  This way maybe they can start the process of being as madly head over heals about their husbands as they are about their celebrity crushes.

Trashy

First off let me say this post is probably going to sound very judgmental and I may sound stuck up or too good for my own shoes.  But I am going to call things as I see them.

I attended my first Army Ball last nite.  It was the welcome home ball for the 601st Combat Aviation Brigade.  They have been gone on a year long deployment and finished returning last month.  I have never been to a formal event, but it is my understanding that being formal means looking like a respectable lady.  After all our men are in their best uniforms for the evening, bow tie and all.  Skip and I picked my dress in February, yes I said SKIP AND I.  I very much appreciated  his input on the different dresses I picked and tried on.  We decided on a floor length, dark blue dress with some sparkle sewn on to the bodice.  It was strapless, but had a short coat.  The girls were WELL covered and not overflowing out the top. I had no intention of standing out, simply looking nice next to Skip.

All that being said, I fully expected to be under dressed.  I did get my hair done yesterday. I had a new set of earrings, a necklace and bracelet.  Oh and I had a nice head band worked into my hair.  When we got to the hotel the ball was being held at I was immediately floored.  The few girls in the parking lot were simply eye ball spectacles.  Very immodest and in dresses that simply did nothing for their body type.  One woman was in a hot pink, clingy, strapless dress and she probably weighed 300lbs.  I am not trying to say anything about size here, but there are just some things you don't where when you are super big or even super small for that matter.  It's about practicing good judgement.

When we got in I was amazed by the amount of skin I saw and the all the tattoos on these women.  I am not even talking girly tattoos.  There were girls who had their arms, backs, hands, necks, breasts and any other small piece of skin they could have possibly showed covered in ugliness.  I would say more than half didn't bother to have their hair done.  More than half had ill fitted dresses.  Some had on dresses that one would wear to a cocktail party, not a formal event. I almost felt out of place, but I soon realized I at least wasn't going to be a laughing stock and was more than likely one the best dressed there.  Even the wives of the heads of the unit appeared to have put in very little effort.

We did get seated with 4 other men and their dates for dinner.  I was the only one NOT texting through dinner.  My phone wasn't on the table vibrating.  It was sad really that no one could just take the time to disconnect from the world for just a few hours.  Skip and I were pretty quiet.  Most of the conversation was nothing we could relate to. Skip was the oldest at the table and I am aged beyond my actual years anyways.  There is no way I could hang out with any of those girls and feel like I got anything out of it.

My concluding thought on the whole thing was,  most of the women dressed and conducted themselves little better than trash.  This was a formal event to welcome back service members that just spent a year away from home and their families. I felt like most of these girls, through the way they dressed and acted, showed little to no respect, gratitude or pride in what the unit did.  It should not be ok to any man to let his wife, fiancée, girlfriend sister or whatever walk into such an event looking like last weeks garbage.  It's disrespectful and should be considered a slap in the face.

Together

I think the past 30 days has been one Hell of a ride. There so many places I could start that it's ridiculous.

Patty has been in the hospital in a coma for almost a month.  They are expecting to try to wake her next week. She is off all coma inducing medications, but is still sedated.  She is moving all her limbs.  We are happy to know that is happening.  Her aneurysm has caused much stress, sorrow, confusion, uncertainties, disappointments and has brought relief and happiness at the same time.

I got in the car last month and drove straight to Denver with no expectation that I would make it to DIA in time to meet him from his flight from Germany. I got lucky and made it 15 minutes before the original scheduled landing.  His flight ended up being an hour late. Since the moment our arms were around each other all the emotions from this haven't stopped.  It has been a difficult and yet easy transition back to as normal a life as we can manage.  There has been no post deployment ceremony to mark the end of this year and honestly we both have had a hard time accepting that it is actually over without that marker.  There was no crazy anticipation.  No group of crying family or people embracing each other.  It has been hard.  We are still so ready for it to end and have what happiness we can find tore out from under us.

I have taken the month off from grooming. I cannot even begin to describe how thankful I am that I have not had to work. I do not think I could have handled all this and a full time job.  I have been able to be home with Skip and give him all the support he has needed to deal with the situation at hand.  I feel like because of that, the stress levels have been dramatically lower compared to how they would have been were I still employed.


We have been able to sit together and make some goals and plans that will benefit us and our tiny family.  We have been able to start the Iraq de-programming process.  He is still using a lot of water simply because it's clean.  I fully expect a huge water bill! Getting regular sleep and rest is still not happening.  I don't expect to see much improvement in that department for another 90 days, minimum.  I am cooking healthy meals and have started pushing some vitamins to help cope with the lack of sleep.  I know his body is only going to take so much,


The entire unit has started it's move back across the world.  We are expecting multiple groups to continue being received for the next week and a half.  I am happy this is over for not just us, but for all the families that have been effected by this deployment.  My heart goes out to the ones that are returning home to broken families, divorces, infidelity and so much more.  I am thankful we made it through this one in one piece and stronger than we were before he left.

And for some strange reason I am most thankful that I get to be the significant other of one of our military personal.  I have a lot of pride in knowing that I have done the right thing by him and that he can come home knowing it's all going to be ok, even if it takes some time.

17 more weeks of this

I am so thankful for the 15 days we had together.  It's so easy to forget all the things are coping with when someone comes back into your life.  It took absolutely no time to readjust to him being here.  It's going to take a lot longer to get used to him being gone again.  I feel like that leave they give is a horrible teaser.  It reopens wounds and forces emotions you don't want to deal with to the surface.

Aiden was much more aware of what was going on this time. He was pretty upset when we left Skip at that airport.  He has been asking me all evening when we are going back to the airport to get him.  He's a little mopey.  Skip and him really bonded pretty close these two weeks.  It's so wonderful.

17 more weeks.  I am trying to figure out how I have made it these past 35 weeks.  I am struggling with the thought of dealing with the rest.  I am having a lot of anxiety to be honest.  I am sure once I hear from him and know he is safe I will get back on track and feel fine, but for now I am a basket case about it.

Here's to a little longer of this hell.

Our Small Ritual

Skip and I spend a lot of doing some of the sames things.  Those things tend to remind us of what made us as strong as we are and why we work so well together. At breakfast today I realized a ritual we seem to always partake in when we sit down together to share a meal.

When it's us and we are looking at each other, somehow we always end up telling each other how much we appreciate what we have.  We remind ourselves of the mental states we were both in when we met and how we grew out of that bad time into something more beautiful.  We share our thankfulness everyday.  We never forget to point out what the other does for us.  What we are thinking when we look at each other and we always re-affirm promises that we have made.

This has been an everyday thing. Even when we can't be together we tell each other through email and messenger.  I just love it.  It melts me.

I don't want for much.

I don't have any real wants in my life.  I want the things I already have.  I don't have a long list of things I simply cannot live without or that I simply must have.  I don't get bent at the end of the month if I haven't gone vacationing or if I didn't make some big purchase.  I don't go shopping and long for everything on the shelf or make wishlists a mile long.  I really truly have everything I need.  Skip takes care of us and never leaves me needing more at the end of day.

The only wants I truly have are to be home more with Aiden and to have more time with Skip.  At the end of the day those 2 things weigh on me.  I feel like I am missing so much of Aiden. I am missing time to teach him.  I am missing time to love on and enjoy him.  I miss being with Skip everyday.  I miss his smile, his voice and just his closeness.  It's like it is all behind a door I have no key to.  And when I do have a key, I am given timed access to what is behind it.  Then I am dragged away kicking and screaming because there is no way my time is up, but it is.  I have to start a new day to earn what little time I have all over again.  All I want is more time.

I hate being robbed of time by people who don't value it.  I don't like that is it assumed I am like every other selfish woman on this planet.  I don't need hours a day to get away from my child.  I don't want a girl's nite out because I can't stand to be near my husband.  I do not appreciate my needs being thought of as pointless because someone else has it all wrong.  When my time is limited I want to use all if it.  Every last second.

But, my wants are my own and I shouldn't expect anyone to understand that.

Why I don't have tattoos

I have been accused a few times of allowing myself to be owned because I haven't run out and inked myself up.  I have been told it's my body and I have the right to do what ever the Hell I want to do to it.  Yea, it's mine and I just never have for a few reasons.  I could have run out like most 18 year olds and spent my last 50 bucks to have some garbage tattoo colored on me just because it was now "legal".  Then 10 years later I would have looked at it and thought "what the hell was I thinking?".  The opportunity never really came up for me at 18 because I never had 50 bucks to spare.  When I did fall into some spare cash I could never really decide on something, so naturally I never went in.  I had all kinds of wonderful stupid ideas  Mushrooms, Care Bears, flowers, fish.  You name it.  But still I never got to it.

Then I left Thomas.  I will say I believe there are many women who feel quite liberated after leaving their spouse and they run to the first person they can find with a needle and ink and they get something that "defines" their freedom.  Something to remind them they belong to themselves and no one else.  I didn't do that either.  I had a baby to take care of, bills to pay and no spare time.  And once again I could think of nothing that I wanted to live with for the rest of my life.

Then I met Skip.  Skip hates tattoos.  Hates them to the point that they make people unattractive.  No matter how nicely the work is done.  Tattoos used to brand people and that is still his line of thinking.  I respect that.  In the past 3 1/2 years I have known him I have had more than enough cash, more than enough time and the perfect idea that I could live with forever.  But I don't do it.  Not because he "owns" me or because I let him "control" me as some people will say, but because I respect his thoughts and opinions.  My body is not just my body.  I share it with him.  So long as we remain together he also has a responsibility and claim to ownership just as much as I do to his.  We have the right to ask each other to be more respectful of the one body we are given in this life.  If we handle it recklessly then the results will effect the livelihood of the other and the relationship in general.   It's not fair to the other person.  I don't have a single problem telling him the things he is eating is hurting his insides and that it would be advisable to think about it.  I don't have an issue telling him to go to the doctor to get something looked it.  I do it for him and for me.  I am affected.  He will tell me to take better care of myself as well, it affects him.  Period.

He has never once said, " NO, you may not get a tattoo."  He has simply said he would prefer me not to because they are not attractive and scar my body.  SO you know what, why on earth would I go out of my way to make myself less attractive?  Relationship or not, as humans we are always playing the mating game.  I am not about to mess up my game for a selfish want or idea.  I am not going to go about inking myself up just because I can or because I think I am entitled to sole ownership of my body.

I guess maybe if I ever decide to marry myself I will be that selfish.  Until then I will keep on sharing my unmarked body with a man who likes it to stay that way and gives me more respect for taking his feelings into consideration.

Funny Mom Harassment

So after our big blow up in June things have certainly been easier with my mom.  I no longer care if I hurt her feelings when she oversteps her bounds and I don't really mind telling her where the bear shits in the woods, so to speak.

So a couple of weeks ago we had a nice long conversation about how I feel about feminists and where she fits into their evil plans quite nicely.  Mom has always pushed me to believe I am better than any man and that I never needed one to survive.  While I commend her to a point in teaching me to be independent, it also landed me in a relationship where I thought it was OK to be the man. You all know the rest of that story.  I took some time to share my thoughts on her beliefs about not needing her husband, her climbing the corporate latter at Walmart and few other odds and ends.  Her bewilderment amused me to great lengths and continues to do so.

So a couple of funny exchanges:

  She calls me one nite and we are chatting and she tells me she has to let me go so she can go do her "wifely duties" and iron her husbands shirts. To which I promptly reply, "Well you might as well give him a blow job while you are at it if you are gonna be 'wifely' and all".   She proceeded to tell me I was sick and disgusting all while I was laughing too hard to breathe.  But hey that IS a wifely duty after all.......

Yesterday we had a talk about her job.  She was complaining that she had to park in the back of the lot and has to walk out at nite.  She said she should have the right to park closer because she is a woman.  I told her that as long as she was playing the role of a man she could park in the back with the rest of the men.  You can't just pick and choose when you want to act like a woman.  Either you are or you aren't.  I got a nice, "SCREW YOU CHRISTINE."   Once again I am amused.


She hates my views on sex.  She doesn't believe the activity should exist and I think every free moment you have you should have in bed.  I love reminding her of that.  It makes me laugh so hard.  She's a good sport and plays along at least.

Who comes first

I have a lot of free time to think. Clearly. It's about all I do anymore.  Over the past 3 years I have made some serious changes and quite a few in the way I think just over the past 6 months.  But there is one thing I still always think on and remind people who are having problems to also think on and that's " Who comes first".

My pecking order is this.

1)  ME

2) ME and Skip

3)  Aiden.

Yes me, that's who comes first.  Shocking that I don't just throw my kid at the top of the whole thing right?  More shocking still that he doesn't even make it into second place. Yea, I must be a terrible person.

If I didn't take care of me first first how am I supposed to take care of anyone? How can I ensure my family's happiness if I am not even happy or cared for myself?  I can't  It's all a ripple side effect and it all starts at the center, me.  Now I am not talking about making sure I would be fed first in times of famine or that I would throw  my kid into a speeding car to save myself here.  If I need to put Aiden to bed early cause I need to relax to get my mind on track, I am gonna do it.  If Aiden needs to stay an extra hour at daycare cause I just want to shop in peace, damn I am gonna do it.  If Aiden wants a new toy, but I would really benefit from new shoes, I am getting the shoes.

Skip and me are also important because our relationship is what Aiden has to grow up seeing.  He will learn from us and learn love from us.  If I don't care for that, what will he learn?  I must put the maintenance of that before a lot of other things.  He may hate that he goes to bed at 8 every day including weekends.  He may get mad when I still give him a bed time during the summer, but tough.  I have to find that private time to keep our fire burning or my house will go cold.  If we do something as a family you can bet your behind there will be some element that is adult orientated so that Skip and I both will gain for it.  I am not going to put us through something that we get nothing out of.  Sorry folks I am not flushing my hard worked for relationship just because the kids are around.

And then there is Aiden. He will always be fed, clothes and housed.  He will get all I can offer and more just by being last.  I realize that sounds horribly bad, but look at the stability he would gain.  And really not just him, but any future kids.  I don't ever want to be that person who's complete identity is my kids and I know nothing else.  I will suffer, Skip will suffer and my kids will suffer.  Ya all those fun extra activities are great, but when they get to the point  I am so tired that I cannot maintain me or my relationship, sorry guys we are quitting gymnastics or whatever it is.

And it should be remembered that before there were kids there was a relationship.  And before there was that  relationship there was YOU.  Do a favor and take care of you, your relationship and your kids, in that order.

A lesson learned

I read a few different blogs about family, feminism and other such things.  This past week a wonderful post was written about protecting your marriage.  I read it and I learned.  I can really say after reading it I will no longer share any personal distress I am having in my own relationship with Skip nor will I play into the problems of others.  I will kindly acknowledge their issue, but I won't feed the fire.  It's not healthy.  Plain and simple.

The original post can be seen HERE.  The rest of her blog is amazing as well.

MONDAY, JUNE 28, 2010

Guarding our marriages

If you believe in being under the leadership of your husband, in humbly honoring his requests and accepting his authority, your point of view and the way you conduct yourself in marriage will inevitably come under attack.

The source of negativity might be found in unmarried friends (in particular if you are a young woman), divorced people, older people who have never been married due to character issues and refuse to acknowledge they might have made mistakes, married people who are envious of the harmony in your marriage and at the same time contemptuous of the effort you put into it. To put it simply, it's everywhere. Marriage and family are those precious values we must be so careful to guard.

The poisonous message will imply that you ought to always have your way, and that your husband should always go out of his way to do things for you. And I don't mean the normal, natural, kind things that husbands do for their wives. I mean all sorts of extravagant ideas. I have had people tell me that my husband must always drive me for errands and medical check-ups, even though he works 12-15 hours a day and I am perfectly capable of going by bus (even though, admittedly, it takes more time). I have heard stay-at-home moms boasting of how they "always hand the kids to the husband the moment he comes home", because they "can't stand being with them anymore after a whole day" – even though the husband, of course, spent the day working hard outside the home and needs to relax.

There will be people looking with disdain on small things you do for your husband, such as ironing his shirts and packing his lunch. They will try to make you feel like a drudge because you are trying to humbly serve your husband. They will try to claim he ought to step in and do an equal share of the housework, even though he hardly spends any time at home.

It particularly annoys me when young or older unmarried people try to give me (entirely unsolicited) advice about how I should treat my husband, which ever and always consists of confronting him about every little thing, of "standing my ground", regardless the consequences. I do want to think that the people handing out such advice have my best interests in heart, but sometimes it's just hard to believe.

Unfortunately, women have the tendency to talk about various situations in their marriages either with people who have difficulty to evaluate the situation objectively – such as parents and friends, who out of sympathy with you might ignite a conflict over something that isn't even worth speaking of – or even idle people who might try to set you against your husband just because they want to watch some action. Personally I believe conflict should be resolved either discreetly between spouses, or with the help of a neutral counselor who won't automatically take sides. 

There are people who believe pride has higher value than the most precious human relationship you will have on this earth – your marriage. They might butt in unwanted, saying things such as "what do you mean, you can't go and hang out right now because you must wash the dishes? Make your husband do this, he can wash the dishes once in a while!"

Of course it's true that a husband can do the dishes once in a while, but that's entirely beside the point. Family dynamics are different in each case. Perhaps we're talking about a husband who despises doing the dishes, and the wife was OK with it until she was goaded by someone who "didn't want to see her taken advantage of". It's not a question of justice, of it being "fair" that he should do the dishes sometimes. It just isn't anybody else's business. The wife's job is to set out and protect the family harmony from intruders.  

Before you take such advice to heart, look at the well-wishers who spread it. Are they married? Are their marriages harmonious and happy? Does the husband take a proper place of leadership and honor? Are they raising, or have they raised good children? Do the children respect their father? In many cases, the answer to at least one of these questions will be negative.

Aside from our relationship with God, our marriage is the most important relationship we will have. It comes before our personal ambitions, our pride, our wish to look good in the eyes of other people. Before friends, siblings, parents, even before our children. Zealously guarding your marriage and the privacy of your relationship with your husband might annoy some people at first, but it will bring respect, stability and trust into your home, and ultimately, it will be for the best of everyone involved.