Teaching Our Children

When was the last time you spanked or slapped a co-worker for screwing something up at work?  How about the last time you hit your spouse for not doing the dishes or laundry right?  Did you yell at your neighbor last time they didn't mow their lawn on time?  Hey, maybe you even stood your mother in a corner for an unreasonable about of time for forgetting the cheese on her grocery trip.

Why don't we do any of these things to adults?  Simple, it would be considered assault or some kind of abuse.  You would go to jail, even though these people are old enough to fight back and protect themselves. Yet every single day a child is subjected to one or more of these forms of "punishment" because somewhere it was made to be Ok.  It's ok to physically harm little people who have no voice yet in the world for doing something wrong.

I grew up on the receiving end of physical punishment.  As a child things always seem much bigger and worse than maybe they are or perhaps the perception is right on target.  I learned nothing but FEAR and VIOLENCE from these punishments.  I was affected long into adulthood and to this day there are still things that make me flinch, get edgy and uncomfortable.  I will have a life long battle remaining calm in the presence of situations I endured growing up with.

We have had a rough couple of years with Aiden.  Understanding what makes him tick, what he is capable of sorting out himself and what he needs help to reason with.  During that time there has been spankings.  There has been yelling and there has been long time outs.  With every single punishment we felt guilty and we felt we had failed him by not understanding or teaching him what was expected.  Instead he got punished and the behavior we were trying to fix did not change.  So we had a talk about it.  We sorted out why we were feeling bad after an episode and discovered our failures and ultimately the damage that was going to be done by looking back to our childhoods and remembering our own small feelings.

We want Aiden to do the right things not because he fears punishment, but because he has learned that doing the right things are moral.  He needs to know right from wrong, not pain VS no pain.  We he grows up and learns to drive I want him to do the speed limit not because he fears getting a speeding ticket, but because he knows excessive speed can kill or harm himself or others.

The way we handle Aiden now and the way he interacts with us when he does something wrong has changed dramatically.  We understand he is not an adult and it is out job to show and be an example of what adults are.  He is more willing to reason with us and understand why his choices are wrong based on learning, not on fear and punishment.  We cannot expect our children to become adults when we are not giving them the opportunity to act and learn like one.  Hitting them, yelling at them and putting them away in a dark corner will not teach them how to make better choices.  You have to guide them there with patient hands and understanding.

Someday your children will be adults, how do you want them to interact with the world?  Do you want them to fear repercussions from doing the wrong thing?  Or do you want them to know what right is and not have fear of doing the wrong things to make their lives a success?