Motherhood, The Most Thankless Job

At 12 AM she woke up.  It was expected, she always wakes 12 to eat and goes back to sleep until 4.  At 12 AM she woke up and didn't go back to sleep.  I watched the clock hit 1. She still would not sleep. 3 AM and we were still awake together. Both unhappy, both desperate for relief. At 5 AM time started to feel like it was standing still, both of us crying. By 7 she could no longer stand it and fell asleep fitfully. So I laid her down and closed the door.

My kitchen a disaster from the nite before. Not having the energy to clean it up makes for a crappy feeling the next morning when you really don't have the energy, but I did it. The other one will be up soon and I will need to have room to make breakfast. It's quiet for the first time in about 8 hours, so I take advantage and work on a project that is taking too long to finish, I don't have time usually to work on it. The kids keep me busy. Tears streaming down my face as I try to push down how tired I am and take joy in some peace and quiet. I don't get many moments like this.

Every day I live my life for 3 little people. I chase them around to pick up after them and stop near disasters. I kiss boo boos and sooth sad hearts. I change more diapers than I like to think about and wash more laundry than I believe I have. I prepare food that so often ends up all over the floor and vacuum it all up when its said and done. I spend endless hours picking up, holding, carrying and moving kids.

There is no 10 minute break or 30 minute lunch to reset. No quiet bathroom breaks or down time. The hours just blend into another and time doesn't exist until the end of day when its time to usher everyone off to bed and I hope I might sleep that nite. Time I hope I might have to connect with my husband as we have so very little to do so. Its the heavy thinking time that I take a look around and try to remember what I did all day. I wonder how the house got so torn apart. I look at the clock and think about how lovely it would be to just sit down and stop, but there is too much still to do and I cannot check out just yet.

At the end of a mother's day there is rarely a Thank-You. Being a mother just is.  You just do it day in and day out. There is no pay raise, no vacation. There are no quarterly reviews or awards handed out.  I am always left wondering if there is something I could have done better, done more of. Did I make the most of my time? So often I feel like there isn't much to show for it.

I sit here typing as two girls are actually sleeping at the same time.  I don't dare lay down myself because I know how terrible I will feel when I am forced to wake up. There are toys and Cheerios from the front door to the kitchen. There are coats and clothes all over the couch and dishes in the sink. Laundry in the dryer, diapers in the wash.  I don't know where to start. I think about the bag of crochet projects I have started, but cannot find the time to finish. The books I want to read that I simply cannot get to. I cannot help but think of the special ingredients in my pantry that go unused for recipes I wanted to make, but settle for less at the end of the day because I cannot do anymore.

When my day is through no one will thank me for a job well done.  No one will congratulate me on the efforts I put forth raising my kids. No one will recognize the sacrifice it is to be a parent.  I will just continue on with  the millions of other mothers who find themselves struggling to just get to the end of day only to start a new day in just a few hours. I will remind myself of the amazing people I am raising and that this is not all for nothing. I will tell myself and hear my husband remind they won't always be this small while I rock the baby back to sleep for the 4th or 5th time. I will be reminded that someday I will miss these days. I will hold onto the hope that I am doing a good enough job now that someday they will thank me for choosing to stay and be with them while they were young. Thank me for being their mom.

Today my job is thankless, but maybe tomorrow it won't be.