Seven and Four.

I've started this blog a few times and every time it comes off as explaining something so that I don't feel guilty and irresponsible.  That is a very irritating thing. I should not have such feelings of guilt or irresponsibility over anything in my life if I haven't done something wrong. I certainly owe no one a long drawn out explanation of the facts in order to show that what occurred wasn't a purposeful event or even accidentle due to my irresponsibility.  Then I just sit here typing and wondering if I even need to say anything all because is it really anyone's business?

But how much of what I am feeling is a heart issue?  My heart issue?  I've been asking myself over and over again if it is an issue and why do I make myself feel this way?  Why do I feel so judged? Why do I just prepare to hear ignorant comments?  Maybe it's just the personal experiences I have had. Maybe it's the empathy I have deeply felt for others when they have experienced shaming and guilt tripping from others that are supposed to be close to them. It's the one subject I am most sensitive to and I take so very personal.

"You have HOW many?!"
"You know how that happens, right?l
"What were you thinking?"
"Are you getting fixed after this one?"
"Is he getting fixed after this one?"
"Are you done yet?"
"Why would you do that to yourself?l
"You are totally insane."
"How do you plan to feed them all?"
"Are you done trying for another boy?"
"Are you planning on using birth control this time?"
"Isn't it about time you guys had another one?"


That's really just a small fraction of the things that have been said to me. Some of it malicious, some of it out of straight up stupidity. I don't really feel that the state of my uterus, my Fallopian tubes or my ovaries are anyone's business nor the condition of my husband's vas deferens.  I've never held the belief that I am required to make a formal announcement about our future plans and family growth, although a small selective group of people are aware of this. But the stupid and hurtful things I've experienced and watched others experience is dumbfounding.

With that said, I've had the very unfortunate experience of birth control failure that resulted in a miscarriage I didn't know I was having until I discovered the tiny being one evening after bleeding for 12 days. A positive confirmed it the next day and a negative a week later. Seven pregnancies and four live births is what I get to report at the doctors office when I go to discuss failed methods.

So I don't owe anyone an explanation in order to look responsible. I don't need to feel guilty about pregnancy inside my marriage and I certainly don't need to give a darn about what people think of my family choices. I'm just here in disbelief  and frustration over it. Not really sure if there will be any need for emotional healing like I needed with the last two I was aware of.

So at the end of this I'm just pissed off when I think about what I would have heard and dealt with if this had been a viable pregnancy.