I am not a rock......

I am a human being with actual emotions.   I am a female human being making me more apt to having stronger emotions.   I will require someone to know this and be willing to accept this.  I don't need to be told to just get over it and move on as half the time I don't really know what I am needing to get over.

I've moved away from home.  I have a job that isn't cutting, but I don't quit because it doesn't keep me long hours and weekends, I have no one to watch Aiden if I work a job that does. I have a person living in my home who I positively cannot stand and the sight of her is enough to put me in a rage, but I can't get rid of her just yet or I won't be able to work.  I haven't seen the sun in 3 days.  I have a boyfriend who has to leave in 60 days to fight a cause that isn't a cause. I have no social outlet here, no friends, no one to fall back on.  I have no one to vent to in person.  I have a malfunctioning IUD that makes me bleed 3 weeks out of the month, therefore I have constant PMS. I have no money to take it out.


I am not bitching about my life.  I have stresses that can get overwhelming and sometimes I need to vent.  Sometimes I just need someone to hold me and let me cry until I am completely empty of tears.  Sometimes I just don't want to talk and I want it to be quiet, something I can't seem to find around here.   Unfortunetly the Army does a fabulous job of disciplining all emotion and the ability to cope with others emotions right out of their men.


They make them rocks.   They are unable to cope with their own emotions or that of others.   They are rocks.

That is one more stress I choose to willing endure without any support.  One more stress that builds up and makes the bigger picture.  One more stress that makes me cry over and over again.

My new low

I went to the state social affairs office today for a few things.  First and foremost to take action against Thomas for failing to pay child support.  I spoke with him last week about sending money for Aiden so I could get him enrolled in preschool.  He gave me his usual lot of crap about being ready to get a job and then he will send me money by the end of the week.  Blah Blah Blah.  His mother informed me on Monday he packed up and moved out hours after speaking with him.  No surprise I guess.  Oh well, they have all 3 of his parents numbers, the address to his school, the phone number there, his SSN and anything else I could think of.  They will start being harassed like it were creditors involved.  His parents don't want to help me, they know where he is and won't say.  They can answer to the state now.

Finances are becoming a huge stress factor for me at this time.  I left T-mobile bringing home $900 every two weeks, have medical insurance and earning monthly bonuses of $300-$600.  Now I am hardly scraping to bring home $800 a month and we have no insurance.  I am thankful Skip pays all then rent and can always manage extra money when we need it as I am totally worthless.

I wish I could get a second job in the evenings, but the Army keeps Skip late every day and with his pending deployment I don't know anyone else here to help with Aiden.  We are sending back his lazy niece who is doing nothing but causing us more financial strain.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the State of Kansas to discuss daycare, Medicaid and food benefits.  I feel almost ashamed to have to be asking for help after being so able to care for myself.

I guess my taxes pay for the help I am asking for and I should just be grateful that I can at least ask for the help.

I suppose my perfection can be a fault

For a long period of my life I had no will, no motivation.  It was simply because I didn't want to. I had no reason or care.  It didn't matter who I had in my corner.  I wasn't ready to give life all I had nor was I ready to receive what life had to offer me.  It was a number of years before I grew out of this and became a functional member of society.  I don't really know what it was that triggered it. I think I just got sick of waiting on something to happen, not realizing that only I could make anything happen.

Now that I am pretty happy and making things happen for myself, I don't put up with shit. I can't stand people who feel sorry for themselves and wait around for other people to make things happen for them.  You need to give 100% to expect any kind of return. You put anything less than that into life you aren't going to get anything worthwhile.  Period. End of discussion.  Go back to start and don't collect $200.

I generally don't fell sorry for people unless they have experienced a loss or a real tragedy in their lives.  But at some point you have to pick yourself up and move on.  You can't dwell or let life stop.  My mom calls me a hard ass for being like this, but I can't see any point in being purposefully miserable over an even you can't change.  At some point it must be embraced and you have to make the best of it. I have been at fault for bitching and whining about things I cannot change, but I have embraced all those and made the best of what I had to deal with.  Kansas was one of those things for me, but here I am, loving it and making do.

I have opened my home to a family member that's not mine because I felt she deserved a chance and she wanted it, or so she said.  It is quite clear she does not want to work for herself or make life good for her.  She wants to just let life go by and do her best to dodge situations that may arise.  I don't feel bad because her dad killed himself.  It was selfish and he left his family with nothing.  He did nothing but leech of everybody else's resources.  She acted excited to come here and make life better.

I have had to tell her on multiple occasions to not take 20-30 minute showers because it's not considerate to the household and I have to fit the bill.

I have coached her multiple times on how to fill out an application so she gets the job as well as coached on how to answer questions on an interview.  Well she won't take my advise and she botched her first interview today.  I have gotten every job I interviewed for.

We've talked to her about getting out of bed and leaving her room.  She still won't come out unless she smells food.  I think she is being very rude and ungrateful for what we have offered.

SO I am now at a point that I no longer care to want to help her.  She gave up an opportunity and is showing no signs of even trying to get it back.  I don't feel sorry for her and I don't think she will every get anything out of life with her attitude.  I will no longer try.

A list of my pet peeves

I just wanted to write a list of things I FREAKIN hate because it drives me nuts. These are things that are happening in my house on a daily to weekly basis and it irritates me.

1) Slurping.

It makes me want to smack the person doing it.  It's an uncivilized way of eating.  You might as well get on all fours and oink.

2)  Reading my screen over my shoulder.

If I wanted you to participate in what I was reading and/or typing I would bring the subject to your attention

3)  Touching my stuff.

If it's mine, don't use it without asking.  It's rude

4)  Singing to yourself loud enough that the whole house can hear.

Makes me want to stab my ear drums with Q-tips.

5)  Putting the trash on the counter

Come on!  That's DISGUSTING!!  If you don't want the dog in it then tell him to LEAVE IT and mean it.  I don't have any issues keeping the dog out. Quit being lazy

6)  The laundry hamper has 3 compartments, whites, darks and towels.

Just use it the right way please.  I hate having to sort all three out when I am doing laundry.

7)  Put things back in the drawers you got them from.

How hard is it to put the stuff away? I mean really, the counters are all cluttered with shit.  Open the drawer and put it in.  will take about 10 extra seconds.

8)  DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT USE FORKS ON MY TEFLON PANS!!!!

Nuff said

I have others, but these are driving me bonkers and I have said things over and over again. I'm tired of repeating myself.  Get some respect.

The potty

Aiden got here the first part of December and we immediately started to try potty training.  He is 3 and in order for me to consider any kind of preschool he has to be potty trained.  It was pretty much a screaming fight every time we even talked about the potty! Putting him on it just lead to hyperventilation and trauma.  I really started feeling like I was going to get no where.  So then we just put him in regular undies, he just peed and didn't bother to tell us he did and then would have a screaming fit if we put him on the potty.

Then I read an article about 3 day potty training on cafemom.com.  It's main focus was on staying dry rather than using the potty.  So we started trying this on Wednesday.  No more diapers or pull-ups can be used.  Not even at bed time.  Your child has to be aware at all times that they need to stay dry.  

Aiden has been asking to go pee for 3 days now! We've had a couple of night time accidents, but that was really was my fault for not getting up before him.  He gets a high five and lots of praise when ever he goes.  Every time he sees me putting underwear away he says, "Don't pee in the undies!"   I don't even bother getting mad if he has an accident.  I tell him its ok, next time will be better. He has to help clean his mess and he always tells me he is sorry.  LOL.  

So over nite his whole potty outlook has changed. I'm so thankful!  

Wecome to the end of 2009

Ah yes another year has come and gone with turbo powered speed.  For some it has been pretty uneventful, but this year for many I would believe it has been full of many challenges.  The horrible crash, a new president and the 8th year of "war".  I have friends with new babies, new spouses and new places they call home.  I myself have experienced the most happenings in one year than I have in many!

Skip, the most wonderful man in my life started my year with a bang on January 21. He came home to me in one piece after 15 long months of deployment in Iraq. We are already preparing for the next.

I was a top ranked rep at T-Mobile doing a job I never thought I would do.  I excelled beyond my own exceptions.  Proving to myself once again I cannot be defeated in anything if I want it bad enough.

Wonderful Yoshi was born on April 23rd and came home in June to our first house together.  My first house besides my mom's actually.

I quit my fabulous job at T-Mobile to follow Skip to Kansas in October.   Damn the Army!

My divorce from Thomas was complete on November 5th!!!!!

Aiden came home to me FULL time December 3rd. No more Grandmas

Skip's niece came to live with us December 5th.  What a trip

So now things are closing out with some new possibilities for 2010.  I hope it's as eventful as 2009 has been.

Happy New Year guys, Thanks for being here for it!

Photo Blog

Sorry guys, but I am having a BLAST with the new camera!  I've taken over 300 new photos and the battery still doesn't need to be charged.  I'm sure the people in my house are sick of the flash..  But you guys can enjoy more new pictures!!