Postpartum Beauty

I know it is very hard for women to love their bodies after baby comes.  It's one thing to have pudge here and there while pregnant because it's expected, but after that baby comes out it better be all gone, right?  There is a whole closet full of clothing that you are dying to get back into.  If you had a spring baby its even more important you get it off because swim suite season is coming.  The list of postpartum body expectations is endless and adds that much more stress to a new mom.  New mom bodies are gorgeous! They are rounded and developed in ways that only a woman who has given birth can lay claim to.

It takes near a year to gestate a human life. A year of emotional and physical changes. For me, both of my pregnancies have been the fastest months of my life.  One day you are squealing over the second line on that test and almost overnite you welcoming a new person into the world. After the baby comes though, we stop counting our weeks.  We start counting the baby's weeks.  The attention shifts from pregnant beauty to postpartum horror.  Not enough time is spent on looking at the wonders left behind on a new mother's body.

Yes, you have excess weight. Fat. Pudge. Cellulite. Whatever you want to call it, its there.  And it might be there to stay for a bit.  Your body gained that for a reason.  You need healthy reserves to feed your baby. Your body will draw from this foundation of fat reserves whenever it needs for the health of your baby.The average woman NEEDS 21-32% body fat to function normally(and that's non pregnant).  This is the body's way of ensuring the health of the next generation.  Don't fret if the extra pounds stick around a while, it's a simple insurance policy.  You didn't gain it overnite.  It's going to take time to lose it.  Enjoy your curves.

You've got stretch marks? That's ok! Yes they may seem red and purple and horrid right now, but they will lighten and always be a reminder of the journey you and your baby had.  No one else can share those with you.  They are are yours.  Every mark is different and unique.  There is a beautiful poem featured on Birth Without Fear about stretch marks.  It may take you time to love them, but you will with time. Don't feel ashamed, or hide.  Your husband won't find them ugly either.  They will serve as reminder to him about what your body did to provide a child to your family. I promise you that.

You've got awesome boobs!! They are probably the biggest they have ever been.  Maybe not so awesome for some (like me).  But they are doing wonderful things 24/7 to nourish your new bundle. They make food perfectly.  They comfort, they sooth, they are amazing.  Breasts are probably the easiest thing to get used to after baby.

Your body will absolutely NEVER be the same as it was before pregnancy.  Period.  I won't even try to sugar coat that.  But it doesn't mean your body is bad, worse than before or something to feel embarrassed or ashamed of.  Your body should be envied because it did something that is truly magical and life changing.  You are a mother now, maybe for the first time or the 5th time.

Motherhood is HARD work.  It's physically and mentally demanding.  There is a lot to worry about, things to do and at times you will be a crazy ball of stress and emotions. Don't let postpartum body issues be one of those things you feel you need to worry about.  You are beautiful with your extra weight, stretch marks, crazy breasts and anything else you worry about.  Don't compare yourself to rich and famous moms who use their bodies to make money. Shape wear is uncomfortable! Plus, think of the amount of stress they put themselves under, do you really want to live like that?  I didn't think so.

It's Been a Rough Start

If I had to pick one word to describe our first month back in Colorado it would be frustrating.  It has been a pretty rough start and I am just hoping it starts getting better.  I am really missing Kansas, my house there, my neighborhood and my wonderful neighbors.  It was so peaceful and quiet and I never had anxiety about going home. about letting my dog out and my house gave me no grievance.

Colorado has been full of unwelcome surprises.  A house with urine soaked carpet, aggressive dogs on both sides that ultimately got my husband and dog attacked.  We were forced to give up Sanja because we could not have both large dogs.  It is not peaceful and quiet here.  No one really waves when you pull into your drive.  It's a hard adjustment.  

Skip's new unit likes to keep them late.  He will be gone for half of May.  Deployment is already scheduled for January/February.  He's probably going to miss Fiona's first birthday. That also leaves me teaching my first year of childbirth classes alone.  I just want to melt down over the whole thing.  

It's been a month and I do not feel settled in at all.  I am still not done unpacking.  We cannot put any furniture in our main living area because of the urine.  I cannot let my dog run free because of it. I cannot put my baby on the floor.  It's gross.  We are still dealing with the real estate company to get it fixed.  

I will say we have a couple good things at least.  A nice large area for a garden and we got a couple chickens.  

I guess it's just going to take more time than I anticipated to get settled down here.  Hopefully it starts working itself out quickly.  I am tired of feeling sick and tired of it. 

Welcoming Fiona : Our Labor and Birth

Friday, February 24th started like every other weekday morning, at 4:30am with Skip's alarm going off.  I had truly expected another day of pregnancy and all it's discomforts that were really starting to get to me. Skip got up and got in the shower.  I laid there hoping to go back to sleep.  It was just about 5 when I had the first contraction that was going to start the whole thing.  I had to sit up because laying down was far too intense.  However I thought nothing of it as I had been having these kinds of contractions for at least a week now.  Skip came out and asked if I was Ok and I told him I was, just a good one is all.  He asked if he needed to stay home and I assured him it was no big deal and just the normal and that I would probably get in the tub to relax a bit.  He asked one more time if he needed to stay home and I said no, that I really was just fine.

So he left. I got the tub going a little before 5:30 and got in.  I was in there for maybe about 5 minutes when the second big one hit.  I was not able to stay seated on the bottom of the tub.  I used my forearms to kinda lift myself off it. This was by far the most intense one I had felt yet and still it did not register that this was it.  A little while later I had another come on and again had to life myself off the bottom.  This one made me sweat and I knew that point I better call Skip.  I think it was about 6 by now.  I called him in tears and out of breath and told him to come home, I was in labor.  This is it.  He left right away.

I was at the tail end of the 3rd bathtub contraction when Skip walked in and asked if I was ok.  I think I nodded and told him to wait a minute.  He asked what he could do and I told him to get out of his uniform and get into comfortable clothing! He did and came back to help me out of the tub.  I was one foot out when it hit again and I was on the floor holding the toilet and moaning to get through the most intense part. I know at this point I thought to myself there was no way they could get any worse than this.  When that was done I stood up and grabbed a towel to get dry with and to keep on hand because by this point I was already having a small urge to bear down and I was afraid of peeing on the carpet(I know, I think of everything).  I got out of the bathroom and had another one that brought me back down to my hands and knees between our bed and dresser.  I told Skip at this point that he needed to call our midwife, Anita.  He called and told her he thought we were having the baby and I heard her say,"Yep, it sure sounds like it,  I am on my way."

Skip headed for the living room to inflate the pool(we still thought we had time) and I stayed on the floor in our room with the towel under me.  I started moving out of the crammed space I was in toward the floor space at the end of our bed when my mom opened the door to the room across the hall and saw me on the floor.  She rushed in and asked if I was Ok and I just told her I was in labor and it was really intense.  She informs me at this point that she thought we were having sex to try and get the baby out.  I laughed and told her I wasn't that obnoxious. She asked me what I needed and I again thought about the whole peeing on the floor thing and told her to go get a waterproof pad for me to put under me. Aiden comes out at this point and casually asks if I am going to have the baby now and runs to get my mom's phone and jumps in my bed to play games and watch the show!  By the time Mom got back down the hall I was in the throws of another very strong contraction and at this point it hits me that it's coming now and we were not going to have the time for the pool.  I barked orders at Mom to get the birth basket and tell Skip to forget what he was doing and that I needed him NOW!

Mom comes back with all the supplies, Skip is right behind her and I tell them I am feeling like I am going to start pushing.  They both start spreading towels and pads under and around me right away.  At some point Skip informs me there is blood and I asked if it was pouring out or just stringy.  He informs me it was the latter, so I didn't worry.  Aiden peeks over and says,"Oh ya, that's normal."  Little Mr. Doctor right there in the room.  I am still on my hands and knees and have been since I got out of the bathroom.  Skip kneels down behind me and asks what he can do and I told him to just stay put.  Next contraction the urge to push was starting to overwhelm me and I tell them to call Anita back and tell her I am pushing.  Mom stays with Anita on the phone as I start pushing.

I remember really starting to feel the baby moving down and I reached to feel and my bag of waters was bulging and not broken, I informed the room what I was feeling and Anita told my mom it was fine not to worry.  I pushed some more and a good part of the sack was out of me and STILL not broken.  Another contraction started and I simply had an overpowering urge to break the water myself because I knew it just wasn't going to happen.  Let me tell you, it was like trying to claw open a high quality latex balloon.  What felt like forever for me to break, Skip and Mom said took a matter of seconds.  Water now broken the baby came right down and started crowning.  I felt and held her head partially out while my mom was narrating to the midwife.  I can remember her saying,"Now the head is going to be born, there will be a break and then the rest of the body will come." There was no break.  My last contraction was the strongest and I can remember letting out a huge roar and pushed her all out in that single push.

Good thing Skip was still behind me.  He caught her.  Besides my hands on her head, he was the first person to touch our baby.  Once I realized I was done I told Skip to "give me my baby" and he passed her under me into my arms.  I pulled her to my chest and we got her covered with a towel.  She started moving and breathing right away. She was born about 25 minutes after he got home. Her color changed from the typical blueish to a nice bright pink in minutes and I sat back to look at what I had just done.  I don't know how long I sat with her before Anita asked what we had.  I was SO afraid to look!  We had just gone 40 weeks without knowing. I really did expect to see testicles, but wow what an amazing surprise to see it was a girl.  Skip says the look on my face was something he will never forget.

By now it was starting to hurt sitting on the floor and Skip went and got the beanbag.  Anita was still on her way.  She lives 2 hours from us and baby was born probably about 15-20 minutes from the time we called her the first time.  I got moved onto a nice soft bean bag and started nursing while Mom and Skip started cleaning up some of the mess, which wasn't near as bad as one might think.  The placenta came about 45 minutes after birth.  The cord was not cut until after Anita arrived, 2 hours later.

The first 2 hours of Fiona's life were spent in my arms.  No one else touched her. She wasn't poked and prodded.  She didn't have to lose any body heat.  No goo smeared in her eyes.  No bright lights or loud noises. Our midwife was the 3rd person to touch her.  She weighed, measured and did her newborn check.  She checked me and I was great.  Minimal bleeding, no tears.  Yes, you can have a baby at home without ruining your body. Once the checks were done, Fiona was passed to Skip and I was helped into a shower to get washed up and then into bed.  Skip and I stayed in bed with our new baby for the next 24 hours while my mom did a wonderful job taking care of everything else.

It was truly the most amazing experience of my life. I can count maybe 10 contractions total and there was not pain.  Only some pretty serious discomfort that I cannot call being painful.  We spent nearly a year getting ready for that moment and we breezed through it like we had done it a hundred times.  I was not afraid once.  I would do it over again and not change a single thing.  Our bodies are amazing and to be a first hand participant in something that cannot be duplicated; truly a once in a lifetime event every time it happens is surreal. Even now 10 days later I still am riding the wave of emotions that went with it all and at times can hardly believe the way it happened and wonderful it all was.

Fiona Marie

Born at 6:51am

February 24th

7lbs 14oz

22 1/4 inches

All we have are a few cell phone pics.  It went so fast we had no time to get the camera out!

The Anxiety Is Setting In

With over a week of sporadic labor, dropping baby, and the super hero cleaning power kicking in, it is safe to say the end is certainly coming quickly and we will be meeting our long awaited miracle.  While I am so very excited, I cannot help but to start having flash backs of my pregnancy, labor and birth with Aiden.  I typically recall his birth as follows:

Water broke at 7 am.  I called my friend to tell her my bladder quit working. Went to the hospital, was treated less than human, felt forced into unwanted interventions, I had bad back labor, a stupid nurse, family that was making me crazy.  Aiden was born at 3:34pm.  My doctor cut me for a baby that weighed less than 6lbs. I spent 3 hours alone after having him when they took him to the nursery.  Had a nurse grab me and shove my son's face into my breast when I asked for help feeding him.  Then had a hysterical drive home with an asswipe ex-husband who thought it was funny to scare me 3 days postpartum.

End story.  The only thing I got from my birth that I planned was a vaginal delivery.  There are a lot of other sad details that play over in my head about that experience that I typically try to push away, I don't share.  But I shared the saddest with my husband the other nite.

I can remember being in transition with the worst back labor.  Stuck because I opted for an epidural due to the pitocin and no actual support from my family.  I had a husband that didn't care, a mother that was running in and out of my room in a panic and a mother-in-law that just sat in a rocking chair knitting a stupid hat. I had a nurse who kept telling me to be quiet.  I was nearly hysterical with emotional grief and pain and all I wanted was for everyone to leave. I didn't feel safe having my son with all these people who clearly didn't care about me.  During a time that I should have felt safe enough to check out of reality and check into the deepest part of me to get the job done, I was forced to remain present and tell myself that I could NOT ask these people to leave.  I had to remember to set up protection for myself AFTER the birth.  I did not want to, nor could I have dealt with the emotional wrath I would have endured from those people if I had just done what I felt.  I was so vulnerable and no one protected me. I was forced into protecting myself from the aftermath that would have come otherwise.  I want to cry just remembering that.  Just knowing that I was truly forced into submission by mental games.

I have felt robbed of being the mother I wanted to be.  My integrity, my ethics, my skills were questioned nearly everyday after Aiden's birth.  My mental ability was questioned.  I was cowed into letting everyone else do what was "best" for my son.  I feel like I lost so much of him for the first 3 years because I didn't step up and take what was mine out of fear of all the retaliation that I felt I would have endured. I cried so many nites in my apartment alone when I didn't have Aiden.  No one would meet me half way.  Help me be a better mother. It still hurts.

Now here I am, ready to have a baby with a man who allows no harm to come to me.  He has taken the time to come to class with me every week to get education on what's going to happen.  To learn how to support me so I can give our child the best start in life.  So I can bond and not feel helpless. Not feel like its a better choice to make everyone else happy above my own needs.

Skip has told me countless times that everything that has happened was never my fault.  That I did the best I could with what I had at the time.  Most the time I believe that, but parts of me still doubt that I did do my best.  I still wonder if I could have done better for myself and for Aiden. I know that things are amazingly different now and that I really have no need to worry about anything.  I am fully protected and fully in control of my parenting.

But looking back makes me feel like I am giving birth for the first time. I really don't know what to expect of myself.  What I am going to feel and how much different this process is going to be as compared to what I dealt with last time.  It scares me to a point.  All I want is peace from this birth.  I want to know I am capable, I am not broken, and that I can be a parent to a helpless infant without people judging and telling me I am doing it all wrong.  I want to be respected as a full grown woman and mother this time around.

Most of all, I want to know that I am strong enough to tell people NO without fearing their hurt feelings and retaliation for not putting them above myself and my family.

The Ending Weeks of Pregnancy

It's been 37 weeks since the beginning of my last loss over Mother's Day.  But it's the beginning of the countdown to bring this new baby into the world.  It doesn't feel like it has been that long.  There has not been much stress with this one either.  No daily worrying over what to expect, if I have all I need.  I've not had to worry about family breathing down my throat and telling me what to do and not to do.  Over all it's been pretty relaxing.

It feels good that in these counted down days my future is not uncertain.  That's how I felt at the end with Aiden.  But not now.  I have a real family and a man that is over the moon about what's about to go down.  It just doesn't get better than that.  I feel really lucky.

The supplies are organized, the birth pool is inflated.  We have a start to the few baby items we need.  The midwife is on call.  Our family is ready to become four.  I am as prepared as I can be for the work it's going to be, my husband is prepared as he can be in how to help me manage it.  The midwife has total confidence that everything is going to be normal.  100% normal.

We did a couple of pregnancy shots last nite.  Something I missed out on the first time around.  I wanted to remember what I looked like this time.  The human body is amazing and pregnancy shows just how amazing it is.  Looking forward to baby photos.

Pregnancy Weight Gain

Please don't hate, but this time around I am the pregnant lady no one wants to hear about this time around.  Sorry, but I feel good and have to brag a little.  I should be having this baby in the next 3-6 weeks and I have only gained 16lbs.  The best part is I just compared my current measurements to my pre-pregnancy measurements and with exception of the belly, they are all the same!

Sorry I just totally had to write that down somewhere because I am kinda in shock.  I have eaten a ton of food, but taken care of myself and I guess doing your best to stay healthy is worth the efforts.

Here's to hoping for an 8lb baby!!

What's in store for 2012

In 2011 Skip and I simply spent the year getting on track and laying the ground work to get some serious business done in 2012.  I believe for the most part we have managed and are hoping to not see any new surprises this year.  Fingers crossed.

The first quarter of this year is going to be VERY busy, new baby and a big move back home.  Both of those things lead right into further plans for the year.  First being having a natural birth being a HUGE requirement to have for the childbirth education program I am planning to become certified for in September. The course is being held in Denver for 3 long days.  I intend to become an active member at the Le Leche League and perhaps a leader at some point.  Also having the baby is going to start me on the track to infant photography.  I've been studying that quite a bit and I hope to be doing that in my spare time.  Even if it's just for fun.   

My off the wall goal that most of you are going to totally cringe at has to do with placentas.  I am going to become a certified encapsulation specialist.  My plans for home birth have brought forward some interesting studies, ideas, and made me think of things that have never crossed my mind.  One of the most profound being the use of our placentas after birth.  http://placentabenefits.info/ is a great place to start when it comes to understanding why consuming it is the best thing for a mother.  Yes, I know you just threw up a little in your mouth.  Sorry.  It makes a lot of sense and I want to be able to offer the service to new moms who just wouldn't be able to do it themselves.  Skip has already agreed to help with mine, but he still turns a little green at the thought.  

Those few things will eventually be laying serious groundwork into becoming an apprentice midwife.  I plan to start taking classes in early 2013.  

Those are personal somewhat business goals I have for myself this year.  As a family we have others.  We have devised a plan to get the majority of the left over debt from the surprises early in 2011 eliminated. We have these set to be eliminated by the beginning of summer! Like I said earlier, 2011 was a serious groundwork laying year.  We can actually see light at the end of the tunnel.  We are also moving forward with family nutrition.  I am currently tracking down things like local eggs and milk for our family when we get back to Colorado. We have discussed highly utilizing the local farmers markets as well as looking for more free range/local meats.  It is going to be impossible to eat perfect, as everything in our country seems to not be processed in a honest way.  All we can hope to do is try to get as close to perfect as possible.  

Aiden's actual homeschooling starts this year.  After much discussion we decided we simply don't feel comfortable sending him to a public school.  Lots of personal reasons for that.  Aiden is certainly a struggle to deal with some days, but we know how we want his education tailored and we are going to be only ones able to do that. 

Skip simply hopes to be getting into a decent unit so he can get some real groundwork laid for promotion. With only a little over 4 years left to go, he also has some decision making on what to do once he gets out. 

The dogs have personal goals of sled pulling and the cat has a goal of becoming an indoor only cat.  We will see how those go.  

I think that is a pretty good summary of what's going down for the Johnson's in 2012.  I of course will keep you all updated and will continue to post somewhat mindless rants on my blog when I feel so inspired!!

Happy New Year.