Over the past few weeks I have found that I have a lot to say. I have a lot of feelings I am struggling to be at peace with and lots of ideas about things I want to collaborate on. I am practically boiling over. So much so that I find myself talking to myself in my head about things. This just leaves me feeling trapped and hopeless that I am ever going to get it all out. It's not organized or even flowing in some kind of understandable fashion. Its just there swirling around and around and around with no where to go. I am feeling pulled into new directions that I never thought I would be serious about. Pulled toward things I thought I had long past decided to leave behind. I am struggling for understanding a world bigger than me, an understanding of the unseen. I have pain, anger and resentment. My heart is heavy thinking of the future. My body is full of anxiety and excitement about things to come.
I am really just walking circles in my head. Where does it start? Where does it end? Is it all one circle or many different circles? Are there answers? Solutions? A path? What am I missing? It is really quite stressful. I wish for simpler things and simpler thoughts. I wish there was a way to get it all out and breathe a sigh of relief about it. I just don't know how long that will take or how it will help. I don't know where the first step is.
I am tired. I need a place to put all of this. A place to be heard.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Tough Feelings
Anyone who has known me a short amount of time knows right off I have issues with my mother. My blog is full of stories, hurt feelings and anger involving her. I feel like I should just make a label for all of them. I am sitting writing yet another page about her and I can't help but wonder why I keep letting her bother me. Why do I waste so much energy in turmoil over it. It took a lot of years for me to gain the confidence to say "no" to her, even though it still gives me a great deal of anxiety when I do. She still gets under my skin and makes me angry even when I know it's coming. After all the torment and abuse I sustained at her hand, I still let her come around. I haven't found the courage to write her off and move on. I guess deep down that just doesn't feel right.
I am almost 30 years old now. I am a mother to 3 children and struggling with not having a mother of my own. My mom used to rant about not doing to me what she perceived her own mother did to her, not being there when she had kids. Well I was born in South Carolina and my brother was born in Connecticut. My grandparents lived in Colorado. My dad was in the Navy. It's not like they lived close the whole time. When I was growing up and we came to Colorado for good my mom did all she could to pit us against her side of the family as well as against our own father. So I would imagine that would make it hard for anyone do want to help. And so she went on and on about how much help she was going to be when her own kids had kids. She didn't want us to experience her pain.
Fast forward to my pregnancy with Aiden. Mom provided a lot to me financially during that time. She bought the crib and many items for the nursery. She helped put food in the house when I had to cut back at work and had my savings spent by my ex because he refused to work extra. But it came at a price. In the beginning I was struggling with acceptance of the pregnancy because of things that were happening. I went to her one day crying about wanting an abortion and she stood there and told me whatever I wanted she would help with. There was no words of encouragement, no words telling me not to do this. Behind my back her and my ex plotted ways to get doctors to put me on drugs to keep me calm as they claimed "fear for the lives" because somewhere she has this notion that I would kill people in a postpartum rage. I was mentally abused by those two during the entire pregnancy. The abuse continued after the birth where I was always told I didn't know what I was doing. That I wasn't cut out to be a mother and so forth. I was ridiculed and questioned every step of the way until I finally was able to put her in her place the following summer after leaving Colorado. (You can read a bit about that HERE, HERE and HERE)
Fiona came along and she was there in Kansas for it. I held out until 48 hours before her 10 day stay was over because I was full of fear to be giving birth while she was around. She ended up being quite helpful and so I stupidly thought coming back to Colorado was going to be better for me. That I would have her help and maybe even a better relationship.
Yea I was wrong. Way wrong. Instead all Hell broke lose with my brother and she has become a slave to him and the justice system. She goes running at his every becking call. She spends unknown amounts of money on him and has just forgotten about me. I didn't even bother to call her when I was in labor with Phoebe because she was in court with my brother. She's been down here a handful of times since June when I had her and she's never here longer than an hour because she has some garbage to deal with for my brother. She hasn't even brought a gift for Phoebe and my mom speaks love through gifts.
I find myself feeling down and angry when I see or hear of other women who get so much help with their kids because their mom is present. If my mom was dead I'd probably see more help. But she's here and not doing a damn thing for me and I am resentful of that. I saw her more during the 2 1/2 years we lived in Kansas than I have in the 18 months we have been back here. I'm about 400 miles closer now too. I really just want to scream and cry about it. I want to hate and be angry at her for it. I want to tell her not to bother anymore. She's a waste of my time.
But none of that is going to get me anywhere. What I need is closure. I need to find acceptance and be OK with it. I just don't know how to get there.
I am almost 30 years old now. I am a mother to 3 children and struggling with not having a mother of my own. My mom used to rant about not doing to me what she perceived her own mother did to her, not being there when she had kids. Well I was born in South Carolina and my brother was born in Connecticut. My grandparents lived in Colorado. My dad was in the Navy. It's not like they lived close the whole time. When I was growing up and we came to Colorado for good my mom did all she could to pit us against her side of the family as well as against our own father. So I would imagine that would make it hard for anyone do want to help. And so she went on and on about how much help she was going to be when her own kids had kids. She didn't want us to experience her pain.
Fast forward to my pregnancy with Aiden. Mom provided a lot to me financially during that time. She bought the crib and many items for the nursery. She helped put food in the house when I had to cut back at work and had my savings spent by my ex because he refused to work extra. But it came at a price. In the beginning I was struggling with acceptance of the pregnancy because of things that were happening. I went to her one day crying about wanting an abortion and she stood there and told me whatever I wanted she would help with. There was no words of encouragement, no words telling me not to do this. Behind my back her and my ex plotted ways to get doctors to put me on drugs to keep me calm as they claimed "fear for the lives" because somewhere she has this notion that I would kill people in a postpartum rage. I was mentally abused by those two during the entire pregnancy. The abuse continued after the birth where I was always told I didn't know what I was doing. That I wasn't cut out to be a mother and so forth. I was ridiculed and questioned every step of the way until I finally was able to put her in her place the following summer after leaving Colorado. (You can read a bit about that HERE, HERE and HERE)
Fiona came along and she was there in Kansas for it. I held out until 48 hours before her 10 day stay was over because I was full of fear to be giving birth while she was around. She ended up being quite helpful and so I stupidly thought coming back to Colorado was going to be better for me. That I would have her help and maybe even a better relationship.
Yea I was wrong. Way wrong. Instead all Hell broke lose with my brother and she has become a slave to him and the justice system. She goes running at his every becking call. She spends unknown amounts of money on him and has just forgotten about me. I didn't even bother to call her when I was in labor with Phoebe because she was in court with my brother. She's been down here a handful of times since June when I had her and she's never here longer than an hour because she has some garbage to deal with for my brother. She hasn't even brought a gift for Phoebe and my mom speaks love through gifts.
I find myself feeling down and angry when I see or hear of other women who get so much help with their kids because their mom is present. If my mom was dead I'd probably see more help. But she's here and not doing a damn thing for me and I am resentful of that. I saw her more during the 2 1/2 years we lived in Kansas than I have in the 18 months we have been back here. I'm about 400 miles closer now too. I really just want to scream and cry about it. I want to hate and be angry at her for it. I want to tell her not to bother anymore. She's a waste of my time.
But none of that is going to get me anywhere. What I need is closure. I need to find acceptance and be OK with it. I just don't know how to get there.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
How to Make Violence an Unacceptable Part of Your Child's Life: Part one
Have you ever yelled at your kids? Spanked them? Isolated them with timeout or grounding? Have you ever put them down by name calling or speaking poorly of them? Perhaps you have fought with your partner in front of your kids or lost your cool and threw some crap, slammed some doors and broke a thing or two.
I will be first to admit I have done a majority of the things on that list as well as been subject to all of them as a child. Growing up being spanked, slapped, yelled at, put down and isolated. I watched my parents fight praying to God they would divorce. I watched my mother fight with partners after the divorce praying it would stop. I was bullied at school. I've been clinically depressed and suicidal in the past. I've struggled to accept all that has been.
Violence is described as a few things in the English dictionary:
When I think of the word violence I also think of the word cruel:
I have discovered that mainstream accepted modern day parenting as well as the parenting of the recent past is violent and cruel. It is demeaning and damaging. Its starting a cycle that is near impossible to stop. Its setting our future up for failure. Its sending our kids into a world with the belief that violence and cruelty is acceptable and a part of life. It makes fighting acceptable. It makes conflicts escalate. It makes modern day war.
Anyone who has ever spanked their child can probably think back to the first time. The first time is what makes you do it a second, third, forth and so on until you wonder why it's not working any longer. That first spanking you witness the death of innocence. Until that first violation your child knew only love. They knew only peace. They knew only protection from you. That first reaction is one of shock. It's one of pain and uncertainty. Your child probably cried. They probably panicked. They probably shook their head in agreement to whatever it was you demanded. To you this seemed so effective. Then they made the mistake again and because in your head the treatment was so effective you just know they are doing this on purpose to spite you. You spank again and again and again. It may become more frequent or it may stay infrequent, but at some point you will see the reaction change. It won't seem as sincere or effective. You will begin to feel you are getting nothing from it. They are no longer learning or don't care to do the right thing based on these interactions.
Maybe spanking isn't your thing. You don't believe in hitting. So you raise your voice. You yell. You make yourself seen by your child. Just as with spanking the first time you yell at your child you get the intended reaction. You get tears and you get fear. You think they fear making that mistake again. But as usual they will continue to make mistakes, you will continue to yell and things will continue to escalate. at some point your words will no longer be heard. You will feel disrespected by your child and it will be all their fault for purposely being this way because they are just flat out disrespectful.
You child has done something so bad you can't spank or yell. Neither will work, so you isolate with timeout or grounding(or as so lovingly put when I was growing up "restriction"). You lock your kid away like a prisoner. They can't go outside, they can't come out of their room. You take all their things and force them to "think" for a day, a week, a month. You use whatever imaginary time table parents have that prescribes the right amount of isolation. Just as with the spanking and the yelling the first time you isolate your child you will think it worked. They seemed so tore up, so upset, so regretful of their infraction. And just as before its perceived benefits will fade and you will again feel hopeless as to what actually works. Your child is willfully ignorant.
So now you have this kid that doesn't care to do the right things, is disrespectful and willfully ignorant. Maybe telling them how awful they are will teach them a lesson. Nothing else works right? Ah, you see a glimmer of reaction. They look hurt, just as hurt as you feel by all their terrible deeds. Now you are teaching them a thing or two. Surely calling them all the names they are will force them to respect you.
So now that your ignorant, stupid, disrespectful child knows better, you and your partner have a fight over who knows what. You are both stressed and feeling slighted by each other. You don't feel respected or listened too. Its bad enough your kid doesn't listen right? Maybe you slam some doors. Maybe you throw something? Perhaps you even break things. All of this in frustration because you aren't being heard. Nothing is helping. Nothing is changing. Too bad you can't spank or ground your partner. Surely that would make a point and teach a lesson or two.
It all seems ugly and violent when you snowball it on paper, doesn't it? Why doesn't it feel that way in life? We have been made numb to the effects of violence. We have been taught it's normal and appropriate. We have learned its the usual, this is how people treat each other. It's a way to communicate importance. How many times have you been in public, whether it be driving or shopping and you come across a crappy person? They cut you off, run into you with their cart? You shrug it off. Some people!! Often you won't go home and say anything. Now, how many times has a total stranger been kind to you and you immediately wonder what they are up to or feel uneasy by the random stranger showing kindness. So weird right? Its weird and often feels odd because it is not the normal we are taught on an everyday basis. Many times we will go home and talk about the weirdo at the grocery store trying to get too close for comfort.
But what does all this equate to in our children's lives? Our own lives?
Stay tuned for Part Two
I will be first to admit I have done a majority of the things on that list as well as been subject to all of them as a child. Growing up being spanked, slapped, yelled at, put down and isolated. I watched my parents fight praying to God they would divorce. I watched my mother fight with partners after the divorce praying it would stop. I was bullied at school. I've been clinically depressed and suicidal in the past. I've struggled to accept all that has been.
Violence is described as a few things in the English dictionary:
vi·o·lence (v-l
2. The act or an instance of violent action or behavior.
3. Intensity or severity, as in natural phenomena; untamed force
4. Abusive or unjust exercise of power.
5. Abuse or injury to meaning, content, or intent:
6. Vehemence of feeling or expression; fervor.
When I think of the word violence I also think of the word cruel:
cru·el (kr
2. Causing suffering; painful.
I have discovered that mainstream accepted modern day parenting as well as the parenting of the recent past is violent and cruel. It is demeaning and damaging. Its starting a cycle that is near impossible to stop. Its setting our future up for failure. Its sending our kids into a world with the belief that violence and cruelty is acceptable and a part of life. It makes fighting acceptable. It makes conflicts escalate. It makes modern day war.
Anyone who has ever spanked their child can probably think back to the first time. The first time is what makes you do it a second, third, forth and so on until you wonder why it's not working any longer. That first spanking you witness the death of innocence. Until that first violation your child knew only love. They knew only peace. They knew only protection from you. That first reaction is one of shock. It's one of pain and uncertainty. Your child probably cried. They probably panicked. They probably shook their head in agreement to whatever it was you demanded. To you this seemed so effective. Then they made the mistake again and because in your head the treatment was so effective you just know they are doing this on purpose to spite you. You spank again and again and again. It may become more frequent or it may stay infrequent, but at some point you will see the reaction change. It won't seem as sincere or effective. You will begin to feel you are getting nothing from it. They are no longer learning or don't care to do the right thing based on these interactions.
Maybe spanking isn't your thing. You don't believe in hitting. So you raise your voice. You yell. You make yourself seen by your child. Just as with spanking the first time you yell at your child you get the intended reaction. You get tears and you get fear. You think they fear making that mistake again. But as usual they will continue to make mistakes, you will continue to yell and things will continue to escalate. at some point your words will no longer be heard. You will feel disrespected by your child and it will be all their fault for purposely being this way because they are just flat out disrespectful.
You child has done something so bad you can't spank or yell. Neither will work, so you isolate with timeout or grounding(or as so lovingly put when I was growing up "restriction"). You lock your kid away like a prisoner. They can't go outside, they can't come out of their room. You take all their things and force them to "think" for a day, a week, a month. You use whatever imaginary time table parents have that prescribes the right amount of isolation. Just as with the spanking and the yelling the first time you isolate your child you will think it worked. They seemed so tore up, so upset, so regretful of their infraction. And just as before its perceived benefits will fade and you will again feel hopeless as to what actually works. Your child is willfully ignorant.
So now you have this kid that doesn't care to do the right things, is disrespectful and willfully ignorant. Maybe telling them how awful they are will teach them a lesson. Nothing else works right? Ah, you see a glimmer of reaction. They look hurt, just as hurt as you feel by all their terrible deeds. Now you are teaching them a thing or two. Surely calling them all the names they are will force them to respect you.
So now that your ignorant, stupid, disrespectful child knows better, you and your partner have a fight over who knows what. You are both stressed and feeling slighted by each other. You don't feel respected or listened too. Its bad enough your kid doesn't listen right? Maybe you slam some doors. Maybe you throw something? Perhaps you even break things. All of this in frustration because you aren't being heard. Nothing is helping. Nothing is changing. Too bad you can't spank or ground your partner. Surely that would make a point and teach a lesson or two.
It all seems ugly and violent when you snowball it on paper, doesn't it? Why doesn't it feel that way in life? We have been made numb to the effects of violence. We have been taught it's normal and appropriate. We have learned its the usual, this is how people treat each other. It's a way to communicate importance. How many times have you been in public, whether it be driving or shopping and you come across a crappy person? They cut you off, run into you with their cart? You shrug it off. Some people!! Often you won't go home and say anything. Now, how many times has a total stranger been kind to you and you immediately wonder what they are up to or feel uneasy by the random stranger showing kindness. So weird right? Its weird and often feels odd because it is not the normal we are taught on an everyday basis. Many times we will go home and talk about the weirdo at the grocery store trying to get too close for comfort.
But what does all this equate to in our children's lives? Our own lives?
Stay tuned for Part Two
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Will Your Kids Be Proud of You?
I have read so much about parenting the last few years. Studies, opinions, comments, questions, experiences etc. What I have learned is there isn't necessarily a "right way" to parent as our choices are infinite. I have, however, formed a pretty strong thought on the wrong way to parent a child. I think the world we live in is violent. I can open a news page and find stories on murder, rape, war, child abuse, animal abuse, theft, assault and so forth. It's easiest to find such stories. Rarely do people doing good things make the news, perhaps humans are rarely doing good things. Good things don't get you noticed. Parenting is much the same. I believe many people parent in anger and violence. Yelling, screaming, hitting, put downs, name calling and the use of isolation. I wonder if hugging a criminal would be more effective then the justice system they float in now.
Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me. We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.
Things you won't hear an adult say:
Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18. We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that. Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.
While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.
Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.
So parent proudly. Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.
Compromise should be done with love and humility.
Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me. We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.
Things you won't hear an adult say:
"I am so proud my parents had the courage to spank me when I needed it."Sounds pretty bad. Its a lot like an adult saying they were happy to be raped because it taught them to dress better. Or be happy for divorce because it taught them to love harder. Not a lot of logic to it. I've said it before and I'll just keep saying it, but we don't hit our friends or spouses and expect them to learn. We don't yell and scream and actually get results. We don't isolate our families and have them come out feeling great and refreshed. We don't pull back loving emotions and see change. No, we do any of that and we see and feel hurt. We experience pain and sadness. We lose trust and respect.
"I am so proud to have had my parents yell and scream at me, I learned so much from it."
"I am proud of the way my parents isolated me when I did the wrong thing, thank God for being grounded."
"I am proud my parents denied me affection during the times I was bad. It showed me how to be good."
Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18. We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that. Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.
While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.
Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.
So parent proudly. Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.
Compromise should be done with love and humility.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Lifestyle Changes
Back before Fiona was conceived and Skip had come home from Iraq after binging on Cheerios and M&Ms for a year weighing near 200 pounds we made a choice to go gluten free. He was having terrible daily headaches and could hardly button his pants or bend over to tie his boots(seriously it was bad). I did quite a bit of searching for reasons he would be having the headaches and went out on a whim and cut wheat products. We also got a glucose monitor and noticed his fasting blood sugar levels were pretty bad as well. The headaches were gone within a week and he dropped 20lbs in about 2 months. His blood sugar no longer had us worried about the possibility of diabetes. We were quite happy and shocked that just that one change could make such a difference.
Since then we have stayed mostly gluten free, failing miserably at times and paying the price with headaches or upset digestive tracks. Right after giving birth this time to Phoebe I immediately noticed I was having some serious stomach issues. I have a terrible history of digestive problems, GERD and being hospitalized on multiple occasions for severe stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea with no known causes. After a couple of weeks of trying to figure out why I was getting so sick I realized it was the wheat products. I stopped eating them and within 24 hours all was well again. Pregnancy and childbirth have the ability to cause very dramatic changes to the body, one of them being food sensitives after birth. Seriously, I researched it. It would seem wheat is going to be a potential permanent issue for me.
So with that I am back to eating gluten free with a small cheat here and there, being sure to keep it small enough that it's not causing an issue. As a whole it is safe to say the whole family it about 98% gluten free, Fiona loves graham crackers...
Then we got to thinking about the rest of our diet. What do we need, what don't we need and what should we be adding and why. So hours of documentaries on food and health, The state of this countries farming industries and what the human body is actually designed to digest, Skip made a radical decision. One I did not expect for him to suggest.
Vegetarianism.
Yes, he did suggest that. And we have moved forward with it. We did agree we will be strict vegetarians at home and would make exceptions and adjustments when eating out or with family and friends. I personally find that I don't have much interest in making that exception for myself or for the kids, but I know Skip probably will take advantage from time to time.
We are going to continue to be wheat free as much as possible. We do not drink milk, for more reasons than I care to go into here. Any dairy such as cheese and yogurt I have always been picky about, must be either organic or hormone free. Since my eggs come from my own backyard I don't need to worry about those. At some point we may move more toward being vegan, but not at this time.
It's been exciting looking for new recipes, new ways of getting a healthier source of protein and adjusting to a new lifestyle. We are already feeling less sluggish and digestion for everyone has improved a great deal. I won't lie, I miss bacon, but that will pass with time.
Now with the holidays coming up, it will be fun to see what decisions we make and how we will feel about them afterwards.
Since then we have stayed mostly gluten free, failing miserably at times and paying the price with headaches or upset digestive tracks. Right after giving birth this time to Phoebe I immediately noticed I was having some serious stomach issues. I have a terrible history of digestive problems, GERD and being hospitalized on multiple occasions for severe stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea with no known causes. After a couple of weeks of trying to figure out why I was getting so sick I realized it was the wheat products. I stopped eating them and within 24 hours all was well again. Pregnancy and childbirth have the ability to cause very dramatic changes to the body, one of them being food sensitives after birth. Seriously, I researched it. It would seem wheat is going to be a potential permanent issue for me.
So with that I am back to eating gluten free with a small cheat here and there, being sure to keep it small enough that it's not causing an issue. As a whole it is safe to say the whole family it about 98% gluten free, Fiona loves graham crackers...
Then we got to thinking about the rest of our diet. What do we need, what don't we need and what should we be adding and why. So hours of documentaries on food and health, The state of this countries farming industries and what the human body is actually designed to digest, Skip made a radical decision. One I did not expect for him to suggest.
Vegetarianism.
Yes, he did suggest that. And we have moved forward with it. We did agree we will be strict vegetarians at home and would make exceptions and adjustments when eating out or with family and friends. I personally find that I don't have much interest in making that exception for myself or for the kids, but I know Skip probably will take advantage from time to time.
We are going to continue to be wheat free as much as possible. We do not drink milk, for more reasons than I care to go into here. Any dairy such as cheese and yogurt I have always been picky about, must be either organic or hormone free. Since my eggs come from my own backyard I don't need to worry about those. At some point we may move more toward being vegan, but not at this time.
It's been exciting looking for new recipes, new ways of getting a healthier source of protein and adjusting to a new lifestyle. We are already feeling less sluggish and digestion for everyone has improved a great deal. I won't lie, I miss bacon, but that will pass with time.
Now with the holidays coming up, it will be fun to see what decisions we make and how we will feel about them afterwards.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Having Little Fantasies...
Parenting, it's no 9-5 job. More like an unrelenting 24/7/365(or 366 on a leap year) kinda job. There are no set coffee breaks, uninterrupted bathroom rests or totally spontaneous days. Life takes some planning most of the time, even if its just how you are going to shuffle the heard to the car without losing someone to a slight attention loss because they saw something shiny(or you saw something shiny, but I digress..). When you have small kids there are no clean shirts, there is clean enough to be seen in public without question shirts. Chipped nail polish, overdo pedicures and a lot of bad hair days. There are dark circles under your eyes and sometimes the will to live stays in bed while you get up and force yourself to keep going. Often you answer 50 questions before 9am, the same 50 you answered yesterday and dare I say the day before that as well. Hell who am I kidding, you answered them all last week too!!
That's just a fraction of a fraction of a the day of a parent. There are mornings(like today) that you wake up at 530 to a little staring you in the face and smiling their horribly adorable smile and you think,"Damn you are cute, but I just want to close my eyes and pretend you don't exist for a few moments." You think about waking up when you chose and just doing nothing. Or on a rainy day staying in bed to read without any noise or anyone to take care of. Or think about what it would be like to decide to go somewhere and get to the car in 30 seconds instead of having to plan for at least 30 minutes and then another 15 to get to the car where you then realize nap time is in 10 and you are so screwed.(All while praying nothing shiny pops up) I have mornings that I dream of no responsibility. I dream of quiet. Time for myself to pursue my interests and mine only for a period of uninterrupted time. I could go on and on and on in my little fantasy, but as I type I am being asked many questions and I realize it's just not going to happen.
But it really is all just a fun fantasy to get you thru tough times. Honestly, what would I do without my kids? I would miss the beginning of those adorable toothless grins at 530 when I am all bleary eyed. I would end up missing the noise because it reminds me I am not alone and it's an even bigger reminder that someone loves me enough to give me the joy of these wonderful little creatures that deprive you of life's basic needs. I would miss out on a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. I would really be missing out on huge amounts of love, received and given. I would would miss opportunities to be a better person.
SO ya, I want a morning to myself, but its not going to happen for a while. That's ok. It will be sweeter when it comes.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
No FB
Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I last logged onto my Facebook page. My last actions there were updating my notification settings so that only things family posts gets a one. And then I am only seeing their post. It's working out nicely for me. The first few days were hard. I was so used to checking it on my phone whenever I didn't have something to do. But that soon passed and I found I was filling those few minutes here and there with other activities. I certainly am not missing it!
I've noted a slight increase in real communication outside of it and that alone is worth the distance. I still receive messages using the messenger as well. To me that's like texting and its still more personal than a public post.
So in the end I am not sorry I moved away from it. I figure if its THAT important, you will tell me. If not, well I'll send a Christmas card anyways.
I've noted a slight increase in real communication outside of it and that alone is worth the distance. I still receive messages using the messenger as well. To me that's like texting and its still more personal than a public post.
So in the end I am not sorry I moved away from it. I figure if its THAT important, you will tell me. If not, well I'll send a Christmas card anyways.
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