Will Your Kids Be Proud of You?

I have read so much about parenting the last few years. Studies, opinions, comments, questions, experiences etc.  What I have learned is there isn't necessarily a "right way" to parent as our choices are infinite. I have, however, formed a pretty strong thought on the wrong way to parent a child. I think the world we live in is violent.  I can open a news page and find stories on murder, rape, war, child abuse, animal abuse, theft, assault and so forth. It's easiest to find such stories.  Rarely do people doing good things make the news, perhaps humans are rarely doing good things.  Good things don't get you noticed. Parenting is much the same.  I believe many people parent in anger and violence. Yelling, screaming, hitting, put downs, name calling and the use of isolation. I wonder if hugging a criminal would be more effective then the justice system they float in now.

Today I am recovering from another argument over parenting differences. In that recovery a thought found me.  We spend so much time trying to teach our kids things that make us proud, but are our children proud of us? Will they grow up and say,"I want to be just like my parents. I am so proud of the way they raised me!" Many of us have a list a mile long of all the things we won't do to our kids based on our own childhoods. I have never heard a list of the opposite.

Things you won't hear an adult say:

"I am so proud my parents had the courage to spank me when I needed it."
"I am so proud to have had my parents yell and scream at me, I learned so much from it."
"I am proud of the way my parents isolated me when I did the wrong thing, thank God for being grounded."
"I am proud my parents denied me affection during the times I was bad. It showed me how to be good." 

Sounds pretty bad. Its a lot like an adult saying they were happy to be raped because it taught them to dress better. Or be happy for divorce because it taught them to love harder. Not a lot of logic to it. I've said it before and I'll just keep saying it, but we don't hit our friends or spouses and expect them to learn.  We don't yell and scream and actually get results.  We don't isolate our families and have them come out feeling great and refreshed.  We don't pull back loving emotions and see change.  No, we do any of that and we see and feel hurt. We experience pain and sadness. We lose trust and respect.

Yet all of these things still seem to be the golden rule to parenting. The violence and abuse is acceptable to anyone under the magic age of 18.  We are supposed to raise our kids into kind and caring adults and yet we aren't going out of our way to teach them how to be. They turn 18 and that's that.  Go out and be respectful to your future spouse and children even though you have been shown otherwise.

While my first marriage ended for many good reasons, it was also 6 years of bitter Hell. I knew no better. I knew fighting. I knew disrespect. I knew hatred and self loathing. I knew violence.

Where things stand now, I don't know that my child is going to say he was proud of his upbringing. A lot has to change. If the violence of this world is going to end we have to stop teaching it to our kids. It should not be an option to KNOW what violence is. It should never feel like an acceptable choice to our children when they come of age, when they start running the world. Violence should feel terrible, not just numb and normal.

So parent proudly.  Give your kids something to want to take from their childhood and apply to their own families. Lets stop worrying about what our kids are doing to make us proud, but instead give them reasons to have pride in us. The rest will follow without needing to enforce strict behavior guidelines society tells us to conform to. Teach love, patience and kindness. Teach forgiveness. Teach them that battles are not an option, but understanding and openness are.

Compromise should be done with love and humility.

Lifestyle Changes

Back before Fiona was conceived and Skip had come home from Iraq after binging on Cheerios and M&Ms for a year weighing near 200 pounds we made a choice to go gluten free.  He was having terrible daily headaches and could hardly button his pants or bend over to tie his boots(seriously it was bad). I did quite a bit of searching for reasons he would be having the headaches and went out on a whim and cut wheat products.  We also got a glucose monitor and noticed his fasting blood sugar levels were pretty bad as well.  The headaches were gone within a week and he dropped 20lbs in about 2 months. His blood sugar no longer had us worried about the possibility of diabetes. We were quite happy and shocked that just that one change could make such a difference.

Since then we have stayed mostly gluten free, failing miserably at times and paying the price with headaches or upset digestive tracks.  Right after giving birth this time to Phoebe I immediately noticed I was  having some serious stomach issues.  I have a terrible history of digestive problems, GERD and being hospitalized on multiple occasions for severe stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea with no known causes.  After a couple of weeks of trying to figure out why I was getting so sick I realized it was the wheat products.  I stopped eating them and within 24 hours all was well again.  Pregnancy and childbirth have the ability to cause very dramatic changes to the body, one of them being food sensitives after birth.  Seriously, I researched it. It would seem wheat is going to be a potential permanent issue for me.

So with that I am back to eating gluten free with a small cheat here and there, being sure to keep it small enough that it's not causing an issue.  As a whole it is safe to say the whole family it about 98% gluten free, Fiona loves graham crackers...

Then we got to thinking about the rest of our diet.  What do we need, what don't we need and what should we be adding and why.  So hours of documentaries on food and health,  The state of this countries farming industries and what the human body is actually designed to digest, Skip made a radical decision.  One I did not expect for him to suggest.

Vegetarianism.

Yes, he did suggest that. And we have moved forward with it. We did agree we will be strict vegetarians at home and would make exceptions and adjustments when eating out or with family and friends. I personally find that I don't have much interest in making that exception for myself or for the kids, but I know Skip probably will take advantage from time to time.

We are going to continue to be wheat free as much as possible.  We do not drink milk, for more reasons than I care to go into here.  Any dairy such as cheese and yogurt I have always been picky about, must be either organic or hormone free.  Since my eggs come from my own backyard I don't need to worry about those.  At some point we may move more toward being vegan, but not at this time.

It's been exciting looking for new recipes, new ways of getting a healthier source of protein and adjusting to a new lifestyle.  We are already feeling less sluggish and digestion for everyone has improved a great deal.  I won't lie, I miss bacon, but that will pass with time.

Now with the holidays coming up, it will be fun to see what decisions we make and how we will feel about them afterwards.

Having Little Fantasies...

Parenting, it's no 9-5 job.  More like an unrelenting 24/7/365(or 366 on a leap year) kinda job. There are no set coffee breaks, uninterrupted bathroom rests or totally spontaneous days. Life takes some planning most of the time, even if its just how you are going to shuffle the heard to the car without losing someone to a slight attention loss because they saw something shiny(or you saw something shiny, but I digress..). When you have small kids there are no clean shirts, there is clean enough to be seen in public without question shirts. Chipped nail polish, overdo pedicures and a lot of bad hair days.  There are dark circles under your eyes and sometimes the will to live stays in bed while you get up and force yourself to keep going.  Often you answer 50 questions before 9am, the same 50 you answered yesterday and dare I say the day before that as well.  Hell who am I kidding, you answered them all last week too!! 

That's just a fraction of a fraction of a the day of a parent. There are mornings(like today) that you wake up at 530 to a little staring you in the face and smiling their horribly adorable smile and you think,"Damn you are cute, but I just want to close my eyes and pretend you don't exist for a few moments." You think about waking up when you chose and just doing nothing.  Or on a rainy day staying in bed to read without any noise or anyone to take care of.  Or think about what it would be like to decide to go somewhere and get to the car in 30 seconds instead of having to plan for at least 30 minutes and then another 15 to get to the car where you then realize nap time is in 10 and you are so screwed.(All while praying nothing shiny pops up) I have mornings that I dream of no responsibility. I dream of quiet. Time for myself to pursue my interests and mine only for a period of uninterrupted time. I could go on and on and on in my little fantasy, but as I type I am being asked many questions and I realize it's just not going to happen. 

But it really is all just a fun fantasy to get you thru tough times.  Honestly, what would I do without my kids?  I would miss the beginning of those adorable toothless grins at 530 when I am all bleary eyed. I would end up missing the noise because it reminds me I am not alone and it's an even bigger reminder that someone loves me enough to give me the joy of these wonderful little creatures that deprive you of life's basic needs.  I would miss out on a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. I would really be missing out on huge amounts of love, received and given. I would would miss opportunities to be a better person.  

SO ya, I want a morning to myself, but its not going to happen for a while.  That's ok.  It will be sweeter when it comes.  

No FB

Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I last logged onto my Facebook page.  My last actions there were updating my notification settings so that only things family posts gets a one.  And then I am only seeing their post.  It's working out nicely for me.  The first few days were hard.  I was so used to checking it on my phone whenever I didn't have something to do. But that soon passed and I found I was filling those few minutes here and there with other activities. I certainly am not missing it!

I've noted a slight increase in real communication outside of it and that alone is worth the distance. I still receive messages using the messenger as well. To me that's like texting and its still more personal than a public post.

So in the end I am not sorry I moved away from it.  I figure if its THAT important, you will tell me. If not, well I'll send a Christmas card anyways.

Intolerant

About 2 years ago we went gluten/wheat free for a while and life was good.  Then we slacked and slowly added it back.  Life wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't as awesome as gluten free! We have mostly maintained a no sandwich bread lifestyle at least. Skip has put on a pound or 2 here and there.  I haven't really lost what I wanted.  We haven't really noticed what eating it again was doing.

That was until Phoebe was born.  Almost overnite I became 100% intolerant of it.  I cannot eat the smallest amount without suffering GI issues. So I would stop for a few days thinking my guts were just readjusting.  Normal postpartum stuff.  Then I would eat something and again serious GI issues.  I had pasta 2 nites ago, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I've banned all wheat and gluten from the house. I simply cannot do it anymore and I see what it does to the rest of us.  So no more.

It sucks, the easy baking days are out the window, but I am having fun looking for new foods to cook.

Us

I've come to realize I don't have enough photos of me with my own children.  I am always the one behind the camera so I am missing out. I need to make an effort of getting those shots in. So today was Fiona and me.  Someday I will want these photos.

Face Book, Killing relationships One Friend List at a Time

I love social media. I hate social media. It has many wonderful benefits as well as so many pitfalls. It allows you to stay connected to people you love, like family and friends. And that is especially true if you aren't living in the same state or if you are military and always moving around.  It allows for more real time updates and people don't have to miss out on what's going on.  You can make broad announcements like engagements and births in one place at one time.  But all those great things also mean you don't or aren't keeping up in real life. It means you feel connected without actually being connected.  It makes it easier for us to book ourselves solid with things like work or kids and not have to carve out any time to maintain relationships because things like Face Book are doing it for us.  It also takes out the personal aspect of one on one relationships because everyone can see everything. Everything people are saying to you, everything you are saying to them and everything you are researching and asking about in other areas such as "liked" pages or joined groups.

I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with Face Book.  I love being able to share photos of my kids for people like my family and closest friends. I like being able to reach out when I am having a bad day and get those almost instant words of encouragement.  But then I also stop and think, well if I had better in life personal relationships with these people they would see my kids more often or I could just pick up the phone for the words I need.  Do you see the issue now?

Before moving to Kansas in 2009 I refused to even look at Face Book. But when we got orders I realized I was going to need a way to stay in better contact with Colorado because frankly I was devastated that I was leaving. In the beginning it was pretty awesome.  I had the connection online, but was still maintaining the personal one through phone calls and texts with many. When I had my first miscarriage shortly after Skip deployed I was able to pick up the phone and call anyone and they were there for me.  I never felt like I had to give it a second thought. Within a year of that one and having my second I can say that feeling of just picking up the phone was gone. It was strange and weird. Skip was home for that one, yet I felt more alone dealing with it than I had before.  Then my pregnancy with Fiona happened.  It was definitely less exciting as far as people involved, but I chalked that up to living in a different state.  I still had some fabulous personal relationships with neighbors and friends out there so I didn't think too much of it.  I certainly remember getting texts, calls and cards when she was born.  Then we got the orders back to Colorado.  Man was I excited.  So were so many people.  I couldn't wait!! I would have a life again. I would see people again.  I would be doing things. Social media was no longer going to be my social outlet.

Slap the breaks on that.  Since I have been back I have seen my friends less than 10 times. Phone calls and texting have plummeted and Face Book has become the main source of communication.  I'm not really sure what happened.  It just did. I know I am personally reluctant to pick up the phone and call or text. So maybe its just me. Maybe I have single-handedly killed my own relationships. Or maybe people just forgot I was back. I moved out of the circle and came back to no room. And that is understandable as well. We all move on and life changes.

The reason I got to thinking all of this is because since Phoebe was born I have had ONE visitor that is not family.  I have received ONE phone call from someone who is not family congratulating me. I have received 2 cards, one from Skip's deployed unit and one from his ex-wife. The last text I got from anyone that isn't family was June 19th.  It's been a horrible wake up call.  Its also been a reality check.

If I quit social media today, who would notice? Who would pick up a phone and call me?  Who would I call or think about. What relationships would I maintain? I don't really know. But if I quit, what would I miss? Who would I miss? It's like a double edged sword.

Face Book has let me stay connected while I was away.  It lead me to new people and groups as well. It has given me knowledge through those new found groups.  I've connected with people I wouldn't have known otherwise.  I think maybe I am old enough to know and value real face to face friendship, but also young enough to value digital friendships as well.  It's a strange place to be.  I am not sure I like the way friendships are fostered now, but in this day and age its the "in" thing.  I miss my face to face friendships.  I feel like I have forgotten how to make them work.  I have added 2 kids and quit working since I was last proficient in dating my friends. I am missing something and I don't know how to fix it.

Or maybe the person I have become is not the friend people want.  I may have to just face the fact that I am on the out because I have outgrown the past relationships and it's time to move on and seek new ones.