I will be first to admit I have done a majority of the things on that list as well as been subject to all of them as a child. Growing up being spanked, slapped, yelled at, put down and isolated. I watched my parents fight praying to God they would divorce. I watched my mother fight with partners after the divorce praying it would stop. I was bullied at school. I've been clinically depressed and suicidal in the past. I've struggled to accept all that has been.
Violence is described as a few things in the English dictionary:
vi·o·lence (v-l
2. The act or an instance of violent action or behavior.
3. Intensity or severity, as in natural phenomena; untamed force
4. Abusive or unjust exercise of power.
5. Abuse or injury to meaning, content, or intent:
6. Vehemence of feeling or expression; fervor.
When I think of the word violence I also think of the word cruel:
cru·el (kr
2. Causing suffering; painful.
I have discovered that mainstream accepted modern day parenting as well as the parenting of the recent past is violent and cruel. It is demeaning and damaging. Its starting a cycle that is near impossible to stop. Its setting our future up for failure. Its sending our kids into a world with the belief that violence and cruelty is acceptable and a part of life. It makes fighting acceptable. It makes conflicts escalate. It makes modern day war.
Anyone who has ever spanked their child can probably think back to the first time. The first time is what makes you do it a second, third, forth and so on until you wonder why it's not working any longer. That first spanking you witness the death of innocence. Until that first violation your child knew only love. They knew only peace. They knew only protection from you. That first reaction is one of shock. It's one of pain and uncertainty. Your child probably cried. They probably panicked. They probably shook their head in agreement to whatever it was you demanded. To you this seemed so effective. Then they made the mistake again and because in your head the treatment was so effective you just know they are doing this on purpose to spite you. You spank again and again and again. It may become more frequent or it may stay infrequent, but at some point you will see the reaction change. It won't seem as sincere or effective. You will begin to feel you are getting nothing from it. They are no longer learning or don't care to do the right thing based on these interactions.
Maybe spanking isn't your thing. You don't believe in hitting. So you raise your voice. You yell. You make yourself seen by your child. Just as with spanking the first time you yell at your child you get the intended reaction. You get tears and you get fear. You think they fear making that mistake again. But as usual they will continue to make mistakes, you will continue to yell and things will continue to escalate. at some point your words will no longer be heard. You will feel disrespected by your child and it will be all their fault for purposely being this way because they are just flat out disrespectful.
You child has done something so bad you can't spank or yell. Neither will work, so you isolate with timeout or grounding(or as so lovingly put when I was growing up "restriction"). You lock your kid away like a prisoner. They can't go outside, they can't come out of their room. You take all their things and force them to "think" for a day, a week, a month. You use whatever imaginary time table parents have that prescribes the right amount of isolation. Just as with the spanking and the yelling the first time you isolate your child you will think it worked. They seemed so tore up, so upset, so regretful of their infraction. And just as before its perceived benefits will fade and you will again feel hopeless as to what actually works. Your child is willfully ignorant.
So now you have this kid that doesn't care to do the right things, is disrespectful and willfully ignorant. Maybe telling them how awful they are will teach them a lesson. Nothing else works right? Ah, you see a glimmer of reaction. They look hurt, just as hurt as you feel by all their terrible deeds. Now you are teaching them a thing or two. Surely calling them all the names they are will force them to respect you.
So now that your ignorant, stupid, disrespectful child knows better, you and your partner have a fight over who knows what. You are both stressed and feeling slighted by each other. You don't feel respected or listened too. Its bad enough your kid doesn't listen right? Maybe you slam some doors. Maybe you throw something? Perhaps you even break things. All of this in frustration because you aren't being heard. Nothing is helping. Nothing is changing. Too bad you can't spank or ground your partner. Surely that would make a point and teach a lesson or two.
It all seems ugly and violent when you snowball it on paper, doesn't it? Why doesn't it feel that way in life? We have been made numb to the effects of violence. We have been taught it's normal and appropriate. We have learned its the usual, this is how people treat each other. It's a way to communicate importance. How many times have you been in public, whether it be driving or shopping and you come across a crappy person? They cut you off, run into you with their cart? You shrug it off. Some people!! Often you won't go home and say anything. Now, how many times has a total stranger been kind to you and you immediately wonder what they are up to or feel uneasy by the random stranger showing kindness. So weird right? Its weird and often feels odd because it is not the normal we are taught on an everyday basis. Many times we will go home and talk about the weirdo at the grocery store trying to get too close for comfort.
But what does all this equate to in our children's lives? Our own lives?
Stay tuned for Part Two
