What is Leadership and What is Discipline?

Leadership VS Discipline, are they the same, can they work together, and what exactly do they mean? It's a hot topic in my house lately and frankly probably any household with kids old enough to tell you where they think the bear craps in the woods. Parenting is full of huge grey areas, Hell who am I kidding the damn mess is a grey area!! There is no real black and white manual and over the years it has morphed and changed. As we become more modern with less time and more disconnected from family, its easy to see why we have short cuts and short comings with parenting. What we do today is probably not even a shadow of how things used to be when people didn't have all the modern distraction of today. Families aren't flowing together, instead we are all working against each other and our inner nature to try to make things fit the way we are having it sold to us.  This is were understanding the real definitions of leadership and discipline come into play.

I am going to use the Army standard of leadership(for you my sweet).  The Army defines leadership as:

 “the process of influencing people by providing purpose, direction, and motivation while operating to accomplish the mission and improve the organization.”

 Lets change "people" to spouse/kids and change organization to Family.  So now we are influencing our kids and spouses to improve the family.  That makes a lot of sense.  We don't want outside forces having a stronger influence on it, so we need to make sure we are the ones providing it.  Lets start breaking this down.

Influence is the power to change or effect someone or something: the power to cause changes without directly forcing them to happen.

That's powerful.  Being able to change someone without force.  Basically being such a strong presence that they would want to make the changes and do as you guide them or on the flip side be so turned off they are influenced into the opposite direction.

Purpose is the reason why something is done or used, its the feeling of being determined to do or achieve something.

Influence with purpose, that means having a plan or goal you are trying to get to without force.

Direction is the path or course in which something is moving.

Ok now we are guiding the way down a path toward a goal without forcing people into it.

Motivation is the act or process of giving someone a reason for doing something.

I think with that we can define family leadership as guiding our kids/spouses down a planned path toward an end result while showing them why its such a good idea.  Sounds like a lot of work, but that's what a leader does, works for a common end goal. With a family we are working towards guiding our kids into functioning adults, helping our spouses work out problems and even moving the whole household into a cohesive unit. None of that can be done without a good positive influence.  Everyone is going to run opposite directions otherwise.  You can't force people to like your ideas, you have to show them why your ideas are so good to begin with and you have to be the model of your anticipated end result; IE functioning adult.

I think leadership is probably a GREAT family value to have, providing it's done correctly and people are benefiting and goals are being met.

Now I am going to move onto discipline.  We all say it, do it and suggest it, but what is discipline exactly and how does it play a role in family life?

I believe in most situations when we think of discipline we think of it in the following context:

gaining control by requiring that rules be obeyed and punishing bad behavior.

I think that's a fair representation when we think of disciplining our children. We do something to our kids to make them pay for their infractions and we call it discipline and we call it just.

Lets take a look at the meaning of punish.

To punish is to make someone suffer for a crime or bad behavior.

Yes, your kid breaks the rules you do something to them, spank maybe? Ground them? Take away time from the TV or their game station in an effort to make them suffer for doing bad. This is after all how the American justice system works and they got at all right, right? 

To suffer is to experience pain, something unpleasant or to become worse because of being badly effected by something.

Ouch, that looks nasty. Pain, unpleasantness and being adversely effected.  

Pain is the physical feeling caused by something that hurts the body, its mental or emotional suffering or something that causes or makes trouble for you. 

It's not getting better.  So discipline is the act of causing physical pain or mental suffering for rule breaking. When our children are born has it ever crossed our minds ONCE to purposefully cause them harm?  Have we ever thought that harm would make them great people? Are we great parents when we cause harm to others? 

That's the definition of discipline as we know it to cause change in behavior at the time.  There is another for discipline. 

A way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or orders

That's called self discipline. A behavior you show.  I know being a leader takes self discipline. Always doing the right thing in efforts to influence others to follow in your steps. 

Leadership and discipline have VERY obvious different meanings and quite clearly cannot coexist. Taking the leadership role in your family means showing them what you believe and why its so important, it means giving your family a path and helping them navigate it. Being a disciplinarian means reacting to what you haven't approved and causing harm to get your way and leaving no lesson learned ad learning is not part of discipline.  A good leader doesn't harm his people.

Being a self disciplined leader is clearly optimal, it means standing up to yourself in the face of defeat, failure, and disappointment, being ok with it and driving on with changes in the game plan to get back on path. Its time we all really sat and looked at ourselves and decide what we are lacking and how we can fix it and be better families and be proud of the hard work we put into raising the next generation.  

New Year 2014

Happy New Year!  I am a few days late, but I have good reason.  I hope everyone has set "resolutions" they can stick by and be proud of at the end of this year which will no doubt go as fast as 2013. We typically do not set any resolutions, as goals can be set and met at any time during the year. This year though is a little different.  We did decide on some pretty significant things we needed to get serious about and decided to just go ahead and use January 1 as a start date. Skip's retirement is 2 1/2 years away and will be here before we know or are ready for it. We basically have 3 areas of focus: finances, clutter and health.

With retirement in just 2 1/2 years away decided to get serious about living on a reduced budget and be prepared for less frivolous spending.  We have a few bills to pay off. That will be easy to get done.  We decided we needed to be in a habit of less spending simply because we have a house in Virginia that Skip purchased as a fixer upper. He lived in it for less than a year before being stationed in Korea and then being sent to Colorado.  By the time we actually move into it he will have owned it for 10 years without having really fixed up anything.  We have a lot of work ahead and its going to cost a lot of money. So we have just decided to set forth a serious plan of action to prepare for that.  Maybe should have thought about it a while ago, but better late than never and we really did try to sell it.

This is what we are adjusting for. I love it. 

Currently we live in a 3 story, 2400 square foot home.  Unreal.  Given when we met we could fit all we owned in a 500 square foot apartment! Then we moved into a 980 sq ft home and had lots of room.  From there we moved onto Kansas to 1400 sq ft and had a TON of room.  I have no idea how we end ed up here with all this crap, but it has to go.  So we are going to be doing some serious downsizing of stuff.  The house in Virginia is only 1400 sq ft.  All this junk isn't going to fit.  I am most excited about this part of things.  There is so much  here that we just aren't using and really doesn't need to be wasting all this space.

And last, but definitely not least is health.  We do try to be as healthy as possible, but a lot of things have been put on the back burner and we need to make more effort bringing forth healthy habits. Things like gluten, sugar and overindulgence have made their ways back into our lives and it's not working out for us. We have some more family plans, hiking and a big camping trip planned and we really need to get in gear. I have serious personal goals that  I simply must meet as putting them off or being fine with not doing them can no longer be an option.  I will keep this subject updated on as I make progress.  I am 7 days into making a habit of doing better.  So I think I am on top of it this time.  Time is going to pass whether I do something about it or not, so I better just get it done.

It's all very exciting for us this year.  I am very much looking forward to progress.  I hope whatever goals you have set yourself to treat you well and you have the encouragement and drive to achieve them! Here's to 2014.

Thoughts on 30

My 30th birthday is in 12 days! (also you have 11 days to finish your Christmas shopping, better get crackin') I will not be 29 again.  I will not be 29+1 nor will it be a depressing day to skip. I will be 30 and I seriously couldn't be happier about it. Yea, I am crazy I know, but its a good day for me.  After turning 21 I realized being "so young" just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. No one took me seriously, I was lacking life experience I so desperately wanted(and probably needed) and honestly I hated hearing people with so much more wisdom than I saying they "missed being so young". I didn't get it. I would not relive my 20s.

So many people heard me say,"I can't wait to be 30." I've said it over and over again.  I cannot wait! I was asked a few weeks ago how I felt about it and I've really put some thought into it. I have never been more at ease with my peers. I feel like the closer I have gotten to 30 the more I am fitting in with people my age.  I don't know what it is, but everyone seems calmer, more grounded and easier to get along with. I did not experience that from my young 20 something peers. I've disliked meeting people in that age group. I don't understand them and feel awkward, that's never changed. I feel more at ease with myself.  I am not concerned with body image at all. I am pretty damn happy in my skin.  I don't feel like I have to put on a show or look a certain way.  Judge away judgers! At the end of the day I have a great family to come home to and they don't care.  I am finally feeling like an adult.  I feel like people don't blow off the things I have to say because I am too young to know.

I've got 3 great kids right now.  It's not always easy, but I am really in love with being a mom. I wish I would  have had 3 in my early 20s.  Maybe I would have found my way sooner, but kids come with age, another reason to love 30 so much! They have grounded me big time and I really don't feel so high strung and freaked out. My husband probably helps that too I am sure.  Marriage is also another reason to love 30.  Its maturing and we are entering new places and finding new ideas together. It's fabulous.  And I like not hearing,"You're too young to be married"  Nope, don't hear that anymore!

30 is not old. Its nothing to be ashamed of.  I will never be 29 again, don't want to or need to be. I will proudly be a 30 year old women.  I've got 10 years till 40, and I'll be back writing about the awesomeness that I know will come with it. Until then, my ladies turning 30 with me, love it!! Embrace it and know you are awesome too!

Motherhood Is...

GLAMOROUS!

Ok, maybe not the first word that comes to anybody's mind when you ask them what motherhood is in one word. What's not amazing about not brushing your hair for 3 days, pulling it back and hoping no one has noticed? Or hoping maybe they don't see it hasn't been washed for who knows how long. What's not more appealing than a shirt worn more times than you can remember because grabbing it up off the floor in a mad dash to a screaming kid is the only option? Then forgetting to change it later. 

Then there's the snot, the spit, the food, the baby vomit and stuff you don't really know about that often migrates to your outfit.  How long has that been there?!  Oh well, you'll change it later. Or how about when you leave the house and think,"Oh carrying the baby will cover that up."  

That shirt is a real life story! It's my shirt as a matter of fact.  I spent all of last week battling boogers and grumpies.  Also the regular eruptions of Phoebe's immature digestive system.  Then there on the sleeve, that shiny dark stuff? That's blood.  Not even all of it.  Fiona decided some dishwasher diving off the top of a couple rolling pins would be fun...don't worry she's ok. 

I had no idea I looked like this until my husband looked and asked what had happened to me.  I laughed and said,"Life with kids."  So I took a picture and decided to share the glamour of motherhood.  The extra accessories your kids will leave you with at the end of day.  It's awesome.  

Maybe, glamorous isn't quite the right word, but it makes it easier to laugh at the end of day! 

Entitled to Why?

Part of my anxiety when it comes to making decisions is the worry of what everyone else will think of my choices, of me.  It's feeling like I always have to answer their "whys" and plead my case with everyone who doesn't make my decisions or live in my household. It makes doing non mainstream hard. It makes personal decisions hard. It makes family choices hard.  I am really tired of things being hard.  I am tired of worrying about judgement and disapproval from people who play no role in my day to day choices and family rearing. If its working for me and I am happy then frankly, tough for everybody else.

If I solicit your advice then by all means give it. Some things are easier to decide when you search outside your own box. Some people have valuable knowledge to share and I seek that out when I know it's needed or I feel stuck. This I value, it is not me looking to have everyone else make choices for me.

I've just finally hit a point where I am getting too exhausted worrying about how every single person in my life feels about my choices. I have realized these are just that, my choices for me to make with my husbands approval. His is pretty much the only one I need when it effects only him and me. So unless I am causing harm to myself, my kids or another person I am just not going to hear it.

So for now, I am going to happily continue on with a choice I made with my husband and not care about what everyone else says.

It's Been a Tough Week

I am really ready for a new week with better things.  The past 7 days have just been up and down and very tiring. I am ready to just get on with life and be done with the nonsense.

 Last week on Wednesday Skip was using a screwdriver and there was a very audible POP in his arm, followed by a lot of pain. We thought nothing of it as he has been dealing with shoulder and arm pain for some time now and was scheduled to have rotator cuff repair in the arm we heard the pop. Friday however turned that pop into something different.  He was helping unload some boxes when it again popped, but this time followed by more pain and a huge bulge in his upper right arm.  I told him he needed to be seen at the ER right away.

He came home not long after he was seen with a diagnoses of a ruptured bicep tendon.  He was told to keep it in a sling, fast for the evening and go in to see ortho at 730 am and be ready for surgery. So we hopped online to learn what we could before hand.  Saturday 730 he was told ortho isn't open and he had to wait until Monday.  Leave it up to the Army ER to be dumb like that.  Monday morning comes along and we learn its a tear from his shoulder and we are told they "don't fix that kind". Excuse me?  So know I precede to start learning the complete anatomy of the shoulder and learn his rupture can indeed be fixed and if very often fixed alongside rotator cuff repairs because it happens due to the shoulder injury anyways! We are both confused as to why they won't offer to fix it.  Without the surgery there will be permanent disfiguration and weakness. Skip goes back on Tuesday and Wednesday to demand a referral for a second opinion.  Thursday and Skip receives a call from his ortho doctor on post wanting to talk to him and to tell him he will not be referring us.  I get prepared to go in and battle this doctor for the surgery we want.

I have printed studies, policies etc on the whole thing.  I am ready to file a complaint with patient advocacy and see the hospital Commander.  No one has given us any reason other than "no" for why they won't fix this.  It literally makes no sense to us. Keep in mind I now have complete knowledge of the entire structure of the human arm and shoulder. So we sit down with the doctor.  He starts talking, right away using medical terms and I confirm and nod my head while listening.  He stops, looks at me and asks,"Are you a physical therapist or something?".  No sir I am in pre med school(ok a little lie I know).  Well his whole damn attitude changes and is suddenly very responsive and starts explaining things in depth.  We were given information we were not expecting.

Skip's right shoulder sustained an injury sometime around 10 years ago. The injury has gone untreated. As a result the 4 muscles that make up the rotator cuff are completely gone.  They tore 100% and have been atrophying for a while now. They cannot repair his shoulder.  In addition the tendon that ruptured is so far gone and diseased that it's not even worth trying to fix. There is a chance it probably wasn't even working anyways. There is no way he will recover the lost muscles or torn tendon.

His surgery that was supposed to fix the cuff is now a surgery to remove a bone cyst and remove left over free floating and diseased tissue from the atrophying muscle and cartilage. If we are lucky he will make it 10 years before needing a complete shoulder rebuild. But he will not recover fully and the use he has now will become more limited with passing years.

It was a huge slap in the face and also very frustrating that this couldn't have been explained on Monday. Also I am still feeling angry that these doctors assume everyone is uneducated and can't make informed decisions for themselves. I still feel like complaining. But I did let that doctor know everyone would have suffered a lot less if he would have provided this information instead of just saying no. So needless to say I still stand on the side opposite of the medical field. Wishing for better care and still feeling angry that we aren't treated better.

So now we let it all soak in.  Skip is understandably having a tough time with it, but I remind him of all he still has and it's not the end of life.  Just means we need to take better care of if and be vigilant of excess wear and tear.  We hoping the upcoming surgery helps with pain management for now.

Things To Say

Over the past few weeks I have found that I have a lot to say.  I have a lot of feelings I am struggling to be at peace with and lots of ideas about things I want to collaborate on. I am practically boiling over. So much so that I find myself talking to myself in my head about things.  This just leaves me feeling trapped and hopeless that I am ever going to get it all out. It's not organized or even flowing in some kind of understandable fashion.  Its just there swirling around and around and around with no where to go. I am feeling pulled into new directions that I never thought I would be serious about. Pulled toward things I thought I had long past decided to leave behind.  I am struggling for understanding a world bigger than me, an understanding of the unseen. I have pain, anger and resentment. My heart is heavy thinking of the future. My body is full of anxiety and excitement about things to come.

I am really just walking circles in my head. Where does it start? Where does it end?  Is it all one circle or many different circles? Are there answers? Solutions? A path? What am I missing? It is really quite stressful. I wish for simpler things and simpler thoughts. I wish there was a way to get it all out and breathe a sigh of relief about it.  I just don't know how long that will take or how it will help. I don't know where the first step is.

I am tired.  I need a place to put all of this. A place to be heard.