New Year 2014

Happy New Year!  I am a few days late, but I have good reason.  I hope everyone has set "resolutions" they can stick by and be proud of at the end of this year which will no doubt go as fast as 2013. We typically do not set any resolutions, as goals can be set and met at any time during the year. This year though is a little different.  We did decide on some pretty significant things we needed to get serious about and decided to just go ahead and use January 1 as a start date. Skip's retirement is 2 1/2 years away and will be here before we know or are ready for it. We basically have 3 areas of focus: finances, clutter and health.

With retirement in just 2 1/2 years away decided to get serious about living on a reduced budget and be prepared for less frivolous spending.  We have a few bills to pay off. That will be easy to get done.  We decided we needed to be in a habit of less spending simply because we have a house in Virginia that Skip purchased as a fixer upper. He lived in it for less than a year before being stationed in Korea and then being sent to Colorado.  By the time we actually move into it he will have owned it for 10 years without having really fixed up anything.  We have a lot of work ahead and its going to cost a lot of money. So we have just decided to set forth a serious plan of action to prepare for that.  Maybe should have thought about it a while ago, but better late than never and we really did try to sell it.

This is what we are adjusting for. I love it. 

Currently we live in a 3 story, 2400 square foot home.  Unreal.  Given when we met we could fit all we owned in a 500 square foot apartment! Then we moved into a 980 sq ft home and had lots of room.  From there we moved onto Kansas to 1400 sq ft and had a TON of room.  I have no idea how we end ed up here with all this crap, but it has to go.  So we are going to be doing some serious downsizing of stuff.  The house in Virginia is only 1400 sq ft.  All this junk isn't going to fit.  I am most excited about this part of things.  There is so much  here that we just aren't using and really doesn't need to be wasting all this space.

And last, but definitely not least is health.  We do try to be as healthy as possible, but a lot of things have been put on the back burner and we need to make more effort bringing forth healthy habits. Things like gluten, sugar and overindulgence have made their ways back into our lives and it's not working out for us. We have some more family plans, hiking and a big camping trip planned and we really need to get in gear. I have serious personal goals that  I simply must meet as putting them off or being fine with not doing them can no longer be an option.  I will keep this subject updated on as I make progress.  I am 7 days into making a habit of doing better.  So I think I am on top of it this time.  Time is going to pass whether I do something about it or not, so I better just get it done.

It's all very exciting for us this year.  I am very much looking forward to progress.  I hope whatever goals you have set yourself to treat you well and you have the encouragement and drive to achieve them! Here's to 2014.

Thoughts on 30

My 30th birthday is in 12 days! (also you have 11 days to finish your Christmas shopping, better get crackin') I will not be 29 again.  I will not be 29+1 nor will it be a depressing day to skip. I will be 30 and I seriously couldn't be happier about it. Yea, I am crazy I know, but its a good day for me.  After turning 21 I realized being "so young" just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. No one took me seriously, I was lacking life experience I so desperately wanted(and probably needed) and honestly I hated hearing people with so much more wisdom than I saying they "missed being so young". I didn't get it. I would not relive my 20s.

So many people heard me say,"I can't wait to be 30." I've said it over and over again.  I cannot wait! I was asked a few weeks ago how I felt about it and I've really put some thought into it. I have never been more at ease with my peers. I feel like the closer I have gotten to 30 the more I am fitting in with people my age.  I don't know what it is, but everyone seems calmer, more grounded and easier to get along with. I did not experience that from my young 20 something peers. I've disliked meeting people in that age group. I don't understand them and feel awkward, that's never changed. I feel more at ease with myself.  I am not concerned with body image at all. I am pretty damn happy in my skin.  I don't feel like I have to put on a show or look a certain way.  Judge away judgers! At the end of the day I have a great family to come home to and they don't care.  I am finally feeling like an adult.  I feel like people don't blow off the things I have to say because I am too young to know.

I've got 3 great kids right now.  It's not always easy, but I am really in love with being a mom. I wish I would  have had 3 in my early 20s.  Maybe I would have found my way sooner, but kids come with age, another reason to love 30 so much! They have grounded me big time and I really don't feel so high strung and freaked out. My husband probably helps that too I am sure.  Marriage is also another reason to love 30.  Its maturing and we are entering new places and finding new ideas together. It's fabulous.  And I like not hearing,"You're too young to be married"  Nope, don't hear that anymore!

30 is not old. Its nothing to be ashamed of.  I will never be 29 again, don't want to or need to be. I will proudly be a 30 year old women.  I've got 10 years till 40, and I'll be back writing about the awesomeness that I know will come with it. Until then, my ladies turning 30 with me, love it!! Embrace it and know you are awesome too!

Motherhood Is...

GLAMOROUS!

Ok, maybe not the first word that comes to anybody's mind when you ask them what motherhood is in one word. What's not amazing about not brushing your hair for 3 days, pulling it back and hoping no one has noticed? Or hoping maybe they don't see it hasn't been washed for who knows how long. What's not more appealing than a shirt worn more times than you can remember because grabbing it up off the floor in a mad dash to a screaming kid is the only option? Then forgetting to change it later. 

Then there's the snot, the spit, the food, the baby vomit and stuff you don't really know about that often migrates to your outfit.  How long has that been there?!  Oh well, you'll change it later. Or how about when you leave the house and think,"Oh carrying the baby will cover that up."  

That shirt is a real life story! It's my shirt as a matter of fact.  I spent all of last week battling boogers and grumpies.  Also the regular eruptions of Phoebe's immature digestive system.  Then there on the sleeve, that shiny dark stuff? That's blood.  Not even all of it.  Fiona decided some dishwasher diving off the top of a couple rolling pins would be fun...don't worry she's ok. 

I had no idea I looked like this until my husband looked and asked what had happened to me.  I laughed and said,"Life with kids."  So I took a picture and decided to share the glamour of motherhood.  The extra accessories your kids will leave you with at the end of day.  It's awesome.  

Maybe, glamorous isn't quite the right word, but it makes it easier to laugh at the end of day! 

Entitled to Why?

Part of my anxiety when it comes to making decisions is the worry of what everyone else will think of my choices, of me.  It's feeling like I always have to answer their "whys" and plead my case with everyone who doesn't make my decisions or live in my household. It makes doing non mainstream hard. It makes personal decisions hard. It makes family choices hard.  I am really tired of things being hard.  I am tired of worrying about judgement and disapproval from people who play no role in my day to day choices and family rearing. If its working for me and I am happy then frankly, tough for everybody else.

If I solicit your advice then by all means give it. Some things are easier to decide when you search outside your own box. Some people have valuable knowledge to share and I seek that out when I know it's needed or I feel stuck. This I value, it is not me looking to have everyone else make choices for me.

I've just finally hit a point where I am getting too exhausted worrying about how every single person in my life feels about my choices. I have realized these are just that, my choices for me to make with my husbands approval. His is pretty much the only one I need when it effects only him and me. So unless I am causing harm to myself, my kids or another person I am just not going to hear it.

So for now, I am going to happily continue on with a choice I made with my husband and not care about what everyone else says.

It's Been a Tough Week

I am really ready for a new week with better things.  The past 7 days have just been up and down and very tiring. I am ready to just get on with life and be done with the nonsense.

 Last week on Wednesday Skip was using a screwdriver and there was a very audible POP in his arm, followed by a lot of pain. We thought nothing of it as he has been dealing with shoulder and arm pain for some time now and was scheduled to have rotator cuff repair in the arm we heard the pop. Friday however turned that pop into something different.  He was helping unload some boxes when it again popped, but this time followed by more pain and a huge bulge in his upper right arm.  I told him he needed to be seen at the ER right away.

He came home not long after he was seen with a diagnoses of a ruptured bicep tendon.  He was told to keep it in a sling, fast for the evening and go in to see ortho at 730 am and be ready for surgery. So we hopped online to learn what we could before hand.  Saturday 730 he was told ortho isn't open and he had to wait until Monday.  Leave it up to the Army ER to be dumb like that.  Monday morning comes along and we learn its a tear from his shoulder and we are told they "don't fix that kind". Excuse me?  So know I precede to start learning the complete anatomy of the shoulder and learn his rupture can indeed be fixed and if very often fixed alongside rotator cuff repairs because it happens due to the shoulder injury anyways! We are both confused as to why they won't offer to fix it.  Without the surgery there will be permanent disfiguration and weakness. Skip goes back on Tuesday and Wednesday to demand a referral for a second opinion.  Thursday and Skip receives a call from his ortho doctor on post wanting to talk to him and to tell him he will not be referring us.  I get prepared to go in and battle this doctor for the surgery we want.

I have printed studies, policies etc on the whole thing.  I am ready to file a complaint with patient advocacy and see the hospital Commander.  No one has given us any reason other than "no" for why they won't fix this.  It literally makes no sense to us. Keep in mind I now have complete knowledge of the entire structure of the human arm and shoulder. So we sit down with the doctor.  He starts talking, right away using medical terms and I confirm and nod my head while listening.  He stops, looks at me and asks,"Are you a physical therapist or something?".  No sir I am in pre med school(ok a little lie I know).  Well his whole damn attitude changes and is suddenly very responsive and starts explaining things in depth.  We were given information we were not expecting.

Skip's right shoulder sustained an injury sometime around 10 years ago. The injury has gone untreated. As a result the 4 muscles that make up the rotator cuff are completely gone.  They tore 100% and have been atrophying for a while now. They cannot repair his shoulder.  In addition the tendon that ruptured is so far gone and diseased that it's not even worth trying to fix. There is a chance it probably wasn't even working anyways. There is no way he will recover the lost muscles or torn tendon.

His surgery that was supposed to fix the cuff is now a surgery to remove a bone cyst and remove left over free floating and diseased tissue from the atrophying muscle and cartilage. If we are lucky he will make it 10 years before needing a complete shoulder rebuild. But he will not recover fully and the use he has now will become more limited with passing years.

It was a huge slap in the face and also very frustrating that this couldn't have been explained on Monday. Also I am still feeling angry that these doctors assume everyone is uneducated and can't make informed decisions for themselves. I still feel like complaining. But I did let that doctor know everyone would have suffered a lot less if he would have provided this information instead of just saying no. So needless to say I still stand on the side opposite of the medical field. Wishing for better care and still feeling angry that we aren't treated better.

So now we let it all soak in.  Skip is understandably having a tough time with it, but I remind him of all he still has and it's not the end of life.  Just means we need to take better care of if and be vigilant of excess wear and tear.  We hoping the upcoming surgery helps with pain management for now.

Things To Say

Over the past few weeks I have found that I have a lot to say.  I have a lot of feelings I am struggling to be at peace with and lots of ideas about things I want to collaborate on. I am practically boiling over. So much so that I find myself talking to myself in my head about things.  This just leaves me feeling trapped and hopeless that I am ever going to get it all out. It's not organized or even flowing in some kind of understandable fashion.  Its just there swirling around and around and around with no where to go. I am feeling pulled into new directions that I never thought I would be serious about. Pulled toward things I thought I had long past decided to leave behind.  I am struggling for understanding a world bigger than me, an understanding of the unseen. I have pain, anger and resentment. My heart is heavy thinking of the future. My body is full of anxiety and excitement about things to come.

I am really just walking circles in my head. Where does it start? Where does it end?  Is it all one circle or many different circles? Are there answers? Solutions? A path? What am I missing? It is really quite stressful. I wish for simpler things and simpler thoughts. I wish there was a way to get it all out and breathe a sigh of relief about it.  I just don't know how long that will take or how it will help. I don't know where the first step is.

I am tired.  I need a place to put all of this. A place to be heard.

Tough Feelings

Anyone who has known me a short amount of time knows right off I have issues with my mother.  My blog is full of stories, hurt feelings and anger involving her.  I feel like I should just make a label for all of them. I am sitting writing yet another page about her and I can't help but wonder why I keep letting her bother me.  Why do I waste so much energy in turmoil over it. It took a lot of years for me to gain the confidence to say "no" to her, even though it still gives me a great deal of anxiety when I do. She still gets under my skin and makes me angry even when I know it's coming. After all the torment and abuse I sustained at her hand, I still let her come around. I haven't found the courage to write her off and move on. I guess deep down that just doesn't feel right.

I am almost 30 years old now. I am a mother to 3 children and struggling with not having a mother of my own. My mom used to rant about not doing to me what she perceived her own mother did to her, not being there when she had kids. Well I was born in South Carolina and my brother was born in Connecticut.  My grandparents lived in Colorado.  My dad was in the Navy. It's not like they lived close the whole time.  When I was growing up and we came to Colorado for good my mom did all she could to pit us against her side of the family as well as against our own father. So I would imagine that would make it hard for anyone do want to help. And so she went on and on about how much help she was going to be when her own kids had kids.  She didn't want us to experience her pain.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with Aiden. Mom provided a lot to me financially during that time. She bought the crib and many items for the nursery. She helped put food in the house when I had to cut back at work and had my savings spent by my ex because he refused to work extra. But it came at a price. In the beginning I was struggling with acceptance of the pregnancy because of things that were happening. I went to her one day crying about wanting an abortion and she stood there and told me whatever I wanted she would help with. There was no words of encouragement, no words telling me not to do this. Behind my back her and my ex plotted ways to get doctors to put me on drugs to keep me calm as they claimed "fear for the lives" because somewhere she has this notion that I would kill people in a postpartum rage. I was mentally abused by those two during the entire pregnancy.  The abuse continued after the birth where I was always told I didn't know what I was doing.  That I wasn't cut out to be a mother and so forth. I was ridiculed and questioned every step of the way until I finally was able to put her in her place the following summer after leaving Colorado. (You can read a bit about that HERE, HERE and HERE)

Fiona came along and she was there in Kansas for it. I held out until 48 hours before her 10 day stay was over because I was full of fear to be giving birth while she was around.  She ended up being quite helpful and so I stupidly thought coming back to Colorado was going to be better for me.  That I would have her help and maybe even a better relationship.

Yea I was wrong.  Way wrong. Instead all Hell broke lose with my brother and she has become a slave to him and the justice system. She goes running at his every becking call. She spends unknown amounts of money on him and has just forgotten about me. I didn't even bother to call her when I was in labor with Phoebe because she was in court with my brother.  She's been down here a handful of times since June when I had her and she's never here longer than an hour because she has some garbage to deal with for my brother. She hasn't even brought a gift for Phoebe and my mom speaks love through gifts.

I find myself feeling down and angry when I see or hear of other women who get so much help with their kids because their mom is present. If my mom was dead I'd probably see more help. But she's here and not doing a damn thing for me and I am resentful of that. I saw her more during the 2 1/2 years we lived in Kansas than I have in the 18 months we have been back here.  I'm about 400 miles closer now too. I really just want to scream and cry about it.  I want to hate and be angry at her for it. I want to tell her not to bother anymore. She's a waste of my time.

But none of that is going to get me anywhere. What I need is closure. I need to find acceptance and be OK with it.  I just don't know how to get there.