Once it's been said, it can't be taken back

I have learned a lot about arguing since my relationship with Thomas.  I spent a lot of time saying nasty, mean things out of frustration.  Sometimes I could only imagine what he must have felt after I got done degrading him and making him feel more worthless than scum.  When I argue know I really think about the next sentence that is going to come out of my mouth. I really try to think about what the long term effects of what I am saying are going to be.  Am I going to regret that later? Am I going to have to explain it and apologize when all is said and done?  What kind of lasting impression is that going to leave?  This has made me a better person when it comes to arguments.  I no longer say things I will regret.  And I mean that, I don't.  Human emotion is no toy to play around with.

That being said, Skip and I aren't really people to fight and argue with each other.  We've had the most arguments over the past 4-5 months when all this Kansas stuff came down.  Now he has to go back to Iraq.  We've been under extreme amounts of stress with everything that's been going on.  We have a lot of financial strain since that girl has come to live with us.  Life gets tough and usually we manage to sail right thru things.

After last nites argument, that will be the 3rd big argument we have had since coming to Kansas.  All three have been about the same things, money and stress.  I've left all three of these arguments feeling like I am the root cause the issues.   I am not as self sufficient as I was in Colorado, as a matter of fact for the first time in my life I actually am NOT capable of taking care of myself.  I am making less than $1000 a month.  I have never been so broke since I became an adult.  It's a very BAD feeling.  I feel like my job options are limited.  It's not that I can't do other jobs, its that daycare isn't open 24/7 like it was for me in Colorado.  I can see why single moms struggle and NEED the help they ask for.  I don't know what to do.

I also feel like I haven't done enough.  I keep up with all the laundry, I try to always get the dishes done first. Hell I have even started making the bed during the week.  I try to make sure all of Aiden's needs are met by ME. I don't want to pawn those things off on someone else.  He's mine to care for.  I keep the house vacuumed and as tidy as I can.  When something gets suggested I try to meet the suggestion.  Example, Skip doesn't like the shoe rack next to the door. I made a point last weekend to clean up the coat closet and move it in there.  Just little things like that,  I feel like I NEED to be doing these things to make up for being  financially inadequate.  

I do my best to not complain.  I know I do, we all do, but mostly I feel like I am not entitled to complain. I'm being taken care of because I can't do it for myself.  It's a terrible feeling to wake up every day knowing that.

And lastly a lesson I taught myself last nite.  I remember ALWAYS threatening Thomas with divorce.  Every argument.  Every time I had somewhere to throw the words, "this is working, I want a divorce" I did.  It was a cheap shot every time because I KNEW how mean it was.  I  KNEW how bad it hurt his feelings.

I know first hand now what it's like to be on the receiving end of that.  It makes my life feel even more unstable simply because I knew I said it to Thomas because one day I planned to act on it. The uncertainty of that is torture.

Next time you have an argument, please think about what you are about to say.  You can't take back words that have already been spoken.  You can't un-hurt the wound they caused and it leaves a scar and those don't aways fade with time.   Remember that.