My Bullshit Threshold

I have concluded this week that I tolerate an amazing amount of crap from people.  I tolerate abuse, people who over step boundaries and over stay welcomes. And I generally do it with a damn smile on my face.  Yes, there are times that I snap quite quickly and stop the BS as soon as I see it, but to be honest with myself and you guys, it just doesn't happen as often as I would like.  I have no idea where I learned to be so patient and nice.  When I get loaded full with other people's crap I even have the ability to stop, think about and justify their shitty behavior as if it's completely right for them to be that way.  While I find it easy to speak my mind openly most days, in these situations I tend to swallow the words I would most like to say.  The worst part of all this is I don't even know how to stop!

My current BS situation is my mother AGAIN.  Yes, some more of her crap thrown in my face and I still sit here politely,smile and laugh it off in her face like it's all so funny.  Ha Ha.  Then after the situation I a telling friends how pissed I am, how horrible I am made to feel and how I don't know how to stop it! I get told the same things over and over, "Christine, just tell her to stop, that she's offending you."  Do I ever say anything?  No.

Here's what happened.  Mom and Chris came out for a couple days this week.  For the most part her recent visits have been quite pleasant and I have enjoyed having her here.  So why would I think any different of this one?  I guess maybe I should have known it was gonna be bash fest on me based on recent phone conversations over the past 2 weeks.  As I have been told that I don't have enough money to feed myself or son.  That I don't have enough to get him summer clothes.  How I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with Aiden.  Of course I also don't know to watch my son in the yard and I would let him wonder off to be kidnapped before knowing what ever happened, the list goes on and frickin on.

So I had a conversation with my brother. It's been a while since we have been able to vent about her and her crap.  We are the only 2 people(besides maybe my dad) who understand the situation and can talk on the same level about it.  He told me how Mom was back home telling people about how hard I have it and how she doesn't know if I can properly care for Aiden. I am so broke she doesn't even know if I am providing meals for him and he may be going to bed hungry and only eating what meals pre-school is offering.  She is afraid I am abusing him because I am so much like my dad that I wouldn't stop to think about beating him.

Now I would just like to stop this little crazy story and say that I am currently making $400-$500 a week plus a monthly bonus.  I do not pay any rent here,  Skip pays for all of it and I take care of  utility bills and my car. Hardly sounds like I am suffering.

To continue on, the whole time she was here she did nothing but put me down. She kept telling me how skinny Aiden was and how I wasn't feeding him enough.  She acted like I was abusing him when I told him no to something.  She would huff at me if I told Aiden he didn't need to eat anymore because he was full. You know when the kid has a gut full of food that hangs over his pants, he doesn't need to eat any more.  And never mind the horrible conversation we had about me telling Aiden to brush the dirt off, nothing is broken when he fell down! NOOOOO, she grabs him up and babies him until he is screaming and choking on his own spit and snot.  She says to me " You know you CAN hold him, I know you are afraid he is going to turn into a FAG like your brother."    WTF!  No that's NOT why I choose not to baby him.  He spent 3 years living with grandmas that turned him into a dependent whiner.  There is nothing wrong with toughing things out.  The last I checked he came out of my vagina and he lives in my house.  Am I wrong?


I am so fed up with this crap.  I am about to explode at her, but somehow I manage to keep my cool and let her keep on abusing me.  She really believes all she says too.  Sometimes I wonder if I should worry about social services showing up at my door to inspect me.  I don't know how much longer I will go on smiling nicely and acting like it's all so funny, but I am starting to feel like I am at a breaking point.  My bullshit meter is about to explode.  It's just not gonna be good when it does.  Not at all.

It's getting harder

It's hard to believe that Friday will  be the marking of Skip's absence of ONLY 3 weeks! Things already feel like an eternity and I can hardly stand it.  I cry every day.  I cried for near 4 months straight last time.  I don't know that its going to be any better this time.  I hope that once he has internet in his room and we can talk for more than 20 minutes I might start to feel better.  As of now he doesn't even get leave until January and he is supposed to be home in March.  Really?  What's the point! A year feels like such an eternity right now.  I know that it's not, but I am still hating every minute of it.

2 weeks now

Well going on 2 weeks of emptiness at my house.  Aiden and Yoshi do manage to make me smile and they keep me busy, but it's not the same.  The frustration and depression are starting to set in(or its PMS).  I'm really just mostly bored.  I've been considering going back to playing warcraft for a while  I just can't decide if I have the attention span to stay at the computer to do that.  I figure once I start the garden I may not have to worry about too much time.  Just have to wait and see I guess.

Speaking of garden, the weather here has been in the 80s for 3 days now and I am going to have to mow the lawn in a week! I want to start planting, but everyone here keeps saying WAIT! They have the same rule about planting after Mother's Day. I am going to start some seeds indoor this weekend at least. That way they have a head start.  I know I am going to plant lavender in the front yard and I want a few sunflowers.  Definitely doing a tomato plant for Aiden.  The hops are about ready to go in the ground as well.  I got a couple berry bushes, but I can't expect fruit this season.  Bummer. Hopefully we wont need to be moving any time soon.  I have a lot of space and I haven't decided what else I want to do.  Probably some more herbs since I can dry and use them I guess.  Bell peppers might be good too.   I could grow corn..........    I'll let you know when I get the stuff.


I've also lost 10lbs since January! I changed my diet and have been getting more activity every day. My goal os 30lbs right now.  Once I get there I will re-evaluate.  I'd like to actually be in better shape when Skip gets home this time. I was doing good until I started working for T-Mobile and I put it back on! Glad to be grooming dogs again!

Making things work

Well we have survived a week.  Mom and Patrick came for the weekend and were nice enough to get some maintenance done to my car for me.  Aiden was thrilled to see them.  We all really enjoyed the time we had together.

Skip is still sitting in Kuwait waiting for his flight to Iraq that is supposed to be happening sometime today.  Hopefully he can get a real bed soon and get off the cot he's been sleeping on.  It's hard to not have him here. we've grown very attached over this past year and it's just a terrible feeling to be so far apart, but we are surviving it. At least things will be sweeter when he makes it home.

My favorite things Aiden has said since Friday

You know your kids are growing up when they start doing and saying things to you that you do or say to them.  And they do it right!! Here's a few things that have just surprised me over the past few days.


Friday morning when Skip just marched out of the building and we got to the car I was crying and Aiden points his finger and says sternly," Mommy, you stop that crying.  You are fine!"


Friday after work when I was sitting at the table crying while writing an email he went and got a wad of wet wipe and starting wiping my face and said," It's ok mommy, don't cry"

Saturday I was cleaning the closet and I was smelling clothes to see if they were clean(gross I know) and he says,"Mommy, you smelling Skip's shirt?  That's gross, ewwwww"

Today he says to me," mommy get your computer and make Skip and e-mail"


So he makes me smile and keeps surprising me with the things he understands and does to show me that.

Making new routines

I decided that I am not going to waste any time getting a new routine started. I think if I sit around waiting for Skip to just show up magically I am going to doom myself pretty quick.  So I started yesterday.

I have decided that M-F which are work days I will get up in the morning at 6 and get some yoga in.  I need to be doing things that relax me and will make me think more rationally.  Plus getting up at 6 leaves me a little more me time in the morning.  I have got to stop this getting up 30 minutes before I have to go anywhere garbage.  It's getting old.  I also plan to get the dog on a leash and out the door within 30 minutes of being home during the week. Aiden still likes the jogging stroller so I will be able to get the 4 miles in Yoshi needs to be sane.  He's gonna be in the kennel for 8 hours and I feel bad.

Saturdays will be for sleeping in and cleaning.  Getting the laundry done and things like that.

Sundays will be for mowing the lawn in the morning and then Aiden and I will go shopping for food for the week. I decided I do not want to do any shopping during the week.  I just wont have time and Yoshi doesn't need to be locked up any more than he has to be.

The weekends will also be for just doing garden work. I am getting the electric fence up in about 3 weeks and I am planting this year. I already got my hops in the fridge and I found raspberry bushes today! I want some sunflowers to.  So I will have lots to keep my mind and body busy until fall when Skip comes home on leave.  Then I will have to change the routine again for winter.

I've also decided to change eating habits around here.  I had another stomach attack this week and I have been doing pretty good, but not good enough.  So all the crap in my cabinets has been tossed.  I have been meat free for almost 3 days and I am focusing more on fresh foods.  Aiden and I are grazers so we don't really need to worry about planning big meals.  I think I will plan a dinner about 2-3 times a week, but it will be a light meal that wont give us belly aches! I've had about enough of those.

I haven't had a lot of desire to meet new people since I have been here.  I feel very satisfied with the social network I have, even if they are all in a different state.  I am blessed to have that need full filled.  I have good neighbors here and I think if I ever needed something really bad I could ask for their help. Its a good feeling to have.

My best friend

It's started and I am not ready to go through it again.  I've only had 13 months to try to make up for 15 and now I have to lose out on another 12.  It's nothing more than an utter feeling of dread and misery. It's lonely and heartbreaking to not have the person that makes your sun shine by your side.  There is no magic words that can make the tears stop and they just keep coming. I can't stop sobbing no matter how hard I tell myself he doesn't like to see me cry.  He is in every room and every memory.  He's just not here to fill the space he has left behind.

Skip is my best friend.  I don't know how to live without him anymore.