Well original weekend idea was shot to shit by a phone call

I got home yesterday with every intention of staying off my phone all weekend because I am pretty much just fried.  I've done this before with great personal success and typically by Monday I am feeling pretty good.  The only person I talk to is Skip.  It's like a vacation at home.  Anyways about 30 minutes AFTER I made this decision for the weekend my phone rings.

Oh it's not just any ring.  It's a phone call I wasn't expecting.  As a matter of fact what came across my screen was truly the last thing on my mind.   Christa Hagdorn.   I sat frozen staring at the screen and hearing the violin into to Zac Brown's "Free" coming from my BlackBerry sitting there.  The one time I am thankful for voice mail. Near a minute later phone pings to inform me I have a VM.  I listen and she pretty much says she knows she hasn't called in a while(ya it's been since March), but a lot has happened and she would like to talk to me and hopes I will call her back.

Well, ya now you KNOW I am going to call back and find out what's going on.  There goes my no phone weekend.  I call and she tells me the following, Bob let their home get foreclosed without her knowledge.  She opened the door one day and someone served her the papers.  I guess Bob's drunkenness has gone to a new level.  Cause that's a big surprise.  He's got her living in a nasty scuz bucket area of Fountain.   He still has his job, he still has a retirement pay from giving 25 years to the service and he let them lose their home.  I guess he doesn't even pay the utilities enough to keep them on.  My heart of course goes out to her, no one deserves to live like that.

She asked if I heard from Thomas at all and if he was paying me child support. I said no and I didn't really care.  It is in the State of Kansas's hands and I have no need to worry about it.  She said she also hadn't seen or heard from him in a few months after he told her he never wanted to see her again and that he didn't give a damn about his son and didn't want to see him.  Hey that works for me. I kind of already figured that, I am just glad he finally manned up enough to actually say it.  He already owes the state 1800 bucks, hate to be him when that catches up to him at tax time.

She asked if she could come out and see Aiden.   I told her I would have to see what I could work out.  Mom offered to come out over a 3 day weekend and bring her so that I would be home and my rule would still rule the roost so to speak.


AND then there was  wonderful words of wisdom given to me by a friend who I called just as soon as I was done talking to her and my mom.  I at this point was feeling bad for her and my sensitive side was ruling my logical side and I am thankful I had her to set it straight.  I was immediately told "NO"  I should not even consider allowing her to come out here and least of all with my mom.  I can't trust either one of them and I can trust them even less if there are on a 8 hour drive alone together.  And you know she was spot on and I know Skip would have the same thing to say about it.  I am safe here without Hagdorn meddling.  My mother is easy enough to deal with alone now.  I don't need to compound my situation with 2 conniving back stabbers.

I need to get married and move to the other side of the world to be rid of all this crap.

What is my issue

I typically do not enjoy doing things alone. I actually hate the thought of it. I can do hiking and shopping alone, but that's as far as it goes before the social anxiety kicks in. So needless to say this summer has been a total bust.
What's worse is there is plenty to do here.  We missed the fair and the rodeo cause I did want to go.  We have a great pool and splash park that we haven't been to yet because I am afraid of how busy they are going to be.  I have issues, seriously.  We did take some time to go to the mall in Topeka today since we had a dentist appointment there.  I think if Skip hadn't been on the messenger on my BB the whole time I would have just hit the highway and gone straight home.

I don't know anybody here.  I am reluctant to meet people because finding ones that are drama free is damn hard to do.  I sure as hell can't find that with Army wives and most the other girls in town are skank dressing college girls.  Sounds like quite the crowd right?  And then there is the want for peace and quiet without someone expecting me to hang out.  It's really nice to not have pre arrange engagements and just do as I want.  I don't enjoy being on the go all the time.

I really need to figure out a way to force myself out to do things, but I can give myself a million excuses not to.  I hate this.

When the "I told ya so" dance isn't a happy one

For a couple of years now I have been telling Mom she is coddling Chris and if she didn't stop something bad was going to happen.  I always got the "I know I know, but he is my kid" answer from her.  She supports hi, feeds him and bails him out of everything.  He typically treats her like crap in return, but some how she is convinced he isn't a capable adult.  I won't lie, I have received my fair share of help from Mom.  She likes to help, if only to make her self look better.  I've always paid her back and thanked her.  Skip now makes sure I don't need any help and I am doing quite fine.

Mom and I have had talks about what Chris will do if he isn't forced to take some responsibility for himself and she just puts it off like it can't possibly happen to her son.  We found out last month he was using heroin.  He drinks.  He blames everyone else.  He started rehab and relapsed last week.  Well Mom never kicked him out and never made him responsible.  She has been paying for his stuff with the help of his partners mother.  So she just taught him that he doesn't have to take care of his own issues.  Mommy will sweep in and make it all better.  Don't worry about the consequences of you actions.

So now she calls me and sounds completely miserable and in shock.  Sorry Mom, but I think I told you so.  I usually dance around and rub it in when I am right, but this is just a kick in her face without me doing that.  As to what she is doing with him now I do not know.  I can only hope she has learned so that he may actually learn to have some responsibility for himself.

Who comes first

I have a lot of free time to think. Clearly. It's about all I do anymore.  Over the past 3 years I have made some serious changes and quite a few in the way I think just over the past 6 months.  But there is one thing I still always think on and remind people who are having problems to also think on and that's " Who comes first".

My pecking order is this.

1)  ME

2) ME and Skip

3)  Aiden.

Yes me, that's who comes first.  Shocking that I don't just throw my kid at the top of the whole thing right?  More shocking still that he doesn't even make it into second place. Yea, I must be a terrible person.

If I didn't take care of me first first how am I supposed to take care of anyone? How can I ensure my family's happiness if I am not even happy or cared for myself?  I can't  It's all a ripple side effect and it all starts at the center, me.  Now I am not talking about making sure I would be fed first in times of famine or that I would throw  my kid into a speeding car to save myself here.  If I need to put Aiden to bed early cause I need to relax to get my mind on track, I am gonna do it.  If Aiden needs to stay an extra hour at daycare cause I just want to shop in peace, damn I am gonna do it.  If Aiden wants a new toy, but I would really benefit from new shoes, I am getting the shoes.

Skip and me are also important because our relationship is what Aiden has to grow up seeing.  He will learn from us and learn love from us.  If I don't care for that, what will he learn?  I must put the maintenance of that before a lot of other things.  He may hate that he goes to bed at 8 every day including weekends.  He may get mad when I still give him a bed time during the summer, but tough.  I have to find that private time to keep our fire burning or my house will go cold.  If we do something as a family you can bet your behind there will be some element that is adult orientated so that Skip and I both will gain for it.  I am not going to put us through something that we get nothing out of.  Sorry folks I am not flushing my hard worked for relationship just because the kids are around.

And then there is Aiden. He will always be fed, clothes and housed.  He will get all I can offer and more just by being last.  I realize that sounds horribly bad, but look at the stability he would gain.  And really not just him, but any future kids.  I don't ever want to be that person who's complete identity is my kids and I know nothing else.  I will suffer, Skip will suffer and my kids will suffer.  Ya all those fun extra activities are great, but when they get to the point  I am so tired that I cannot maintain me or my relationship, sorry guys we are quitting gymnastics or whatever it is.

And it should be remembered that before there were kids there was a relationship.  And before there was that  relationship there was YOU.  Do a favor and take care of you, your relationship and your kids, in that order.

The Colorado trip is a No Go

I was pretty excited last month when I booked my rental car and planned for a long 4 day weekend over Labor Day.  I had it all planned out with Mom and I had friends I was planning to see.  Super, but this week a sinking feeling about the trip hit my gut and I have promptly decided to cancel it.  I just feel I cannot trust going home without the knives being sharpened and aimed for my back.  I will see Colorado again when Skip's deployment is over and we make plans together to go.  Until then, I will remain safely tucked away in small town Kansas where that drama will have a hard time getting a stab at me.

I hope my life never gets this sad.

As quoted from Facebook

Friend:   Sigh...realizing that when I decided to get married I decided to live the "best years of my life" alone. Away from all friends and family, just to be with someone who has no choice but to leave me alone constantly. I take care of my kids, my home, and him (thats when hes actually here) and still walk around with a fake smile on my face like it's all alright. Afterall thats my job isnt it?




ME:  I hadn't realized we only had a pre-scheduled time in our lives to be the "best years". Are you saying they have an expiration date?




Friend: yup...for me its my young pretty years...im not gonna b cute forever!






WOW!!!!   I am greatly saddened by this. I always thought the best years of our lives were the years to come.  The ones that we don't know about yet, the ones in which we get to watch our children grow. The years of being in love with our spouses.  I can name so many reasons why our best years are always ahead of us.


But to say they are limited to the years you "look cute".  What has happened to people to make them think their time will expire and life will suck so bad?  Since when is the life you have now a waste?  


This just chapped my ass to be honest.  I know we are all entitled to our feelings, but I think this should be rethought.  

My goal for this deployment has taken quite the turn!

I set a goal for myself during this year while Skip is in Iraq, well 2 really.  The first being losing weight.  I wanted to be healthier.  I have lost 15lbs just by simply stopping to understand food and the reasons I am eating it.  My other goal, to become more "girly" as I have been putting it, but the real word I have been looking for was "feminine".  I want to be more feminine.

So here I was thinking that meant shopping for dresses and shoes, putting on make-up and doing more with my hair than just brushing and tying it back.  So I have started a "no pants" rule on my days off.  I only wear dresses or a skirt and I put on some make up.  I was just feeling stupid and brave to be honest.  Then something clicked and said, "If you want to be more 'girly' you have to start thinking like one". Think like a girl, what?!  So here I was with thinking like a girl in one hand and dressing like one in the other and needing to smash them together so that I could FEEL like a "girl".

I have walked around my whole life with the notion that I am equal to or greater than a man.  I can do as much as or more than a man.  I could care for myself better than any man and there was never any need to rely on a man.  That was my artificial programming taught to me by my mother, my father(unwilling I am sure)and by society.  A program that was being run right over the top of my natural programming that, until now, I had no idea was actually there.  Well let me tell you something, I have found the long lost program and I am letting it take over the one that was forced upon my being without any thought to what it has and what it could have done to me.

I had a feeling in me that I could not put words to.  I wasn't sure what it was that was needing to be brought forth, but it has been trying to erupt for sometime now.  It was the need to quit thinking the way the world has taught me and to think the way nature wanted me to think.  She's been asking me to think like a female.  To think about what my actual inner needs and wants are and to start acting upon them and to see what being a woman really is.   This is the key to achieving my goal.

To be female is to step out of the "provider" role in my house.  In a way I had started to already do this without knowing it.  I am not able to pay half the rent here as I have always done.  Instead it has been an inner fight to accept the fact that Skip pays 100% of our rent every month.  Until very recently I would simply get a paycheck and want to cry because I felt like it wasn't enough.  It's paying all the other bills.  Car, utilities, food etc, but not the rent.  Skip pays the rent without telling me how hard it is on his finances, he pays it without saying things to make me guilty.  As a matter of fact he pays it without a second thought and a smile on his face.  Why?  Because it allows him to provide for me.  Allowing myself  to gratefully be provided for without guilt is the first step to understanding how to be "girly".  So while I am still taking care of many of the other expenses he is by far providing for the largest and the one that leaves me most vulnerable.

To be female is understanding that women and men ARE NOT the same.  We have roles to full fill that compliment the household and help to make it unified.   This means I have to hand over my pants and be prepared to NOT make every last decision solely based on my own needs.  It means that because men are our providers we as women must provide for them in ways of a clean home, meals, laundry and the raising of their offspring so they may go into the world as good and decent people that were not raised solely on public education and TV.  Women's roles are played with our hearts, with our compassion and our understanding.  We have patience and kindness.  I am in no short supply of these things and I have been told as much.  If I continue to play the role that was designed by nature for males how on earth am I ever going to be a "girl".

To be female is to STOP pursuing the programming I was raised on.   I sit with myself every nite and think about this.  If I had been taught to plan a meal, been taught the importance of a clean home and what it means to a FAMILY and been taught the role of a female instead of being told to go be a man I may have ended up in a very different place.  My family may have never been broken the way it was.  Of course that is all "what ifs" and what I CAN do now is ensure my life forward is lived the way my insides are guiding me as well as raise my children correctly.

Our world is quickly changing gender roles and blending everyone into one neuter role and no one is benefiting really. I know I certainly didn't and I know the future certainly will not either.  I will say I am well on my way to reversing what has been done to me and I am happy I found my way before it was too late.  I look forward to someday bringing more children to Skip, to being a wife that supports him in every way and ensuring his home is a haven to take his boots off at the end of the day.  I am over joyed to learn what it means to be truly feminine and not feel guilty for wanting what nature intends for me.