Things Gone Unsaid

I haven't written anything here since December.  That's very unlike me. It's not been for lack of subjects, things happening or things to say.  I just haven't been able to bring myself to write anything for a couple of reasons.  The physical and mental exhaustion I have been experiencing has been so overwhelming that the thought of taking time to to write something just made me want to cry about it. Also most everything I think about and want to write about is not very mainstream and I always feel like I am wasting my time talking about some of these things.  I don't have an audience that cares very much about those things, actually I don't have much of an audience. So I just haven't been able to bring myself to sit and hammer something out.  Not even small updates because my life has been so up and down over the past 6 months to a year, I mostly feel like I don't even want to talk about it.

I've been plagued with serious anxiety, some depression and overall sadness during this pregnancy.  Not at all what I expected. The pregnancy with Fiona was so smooth and easy that I really expected the same thing.  But the change of environment and my husband's job here has not made that possible. It's been very emotional and disappointing many days. I have of course had nothing but support and happiness from the people I am closest to, without that much I feel like things would have been so much worse.

With all that being said I am sitting here pretty much just waiting for labor to start.  I can go any day now.  But being this close has made my anxiety levels go through the roof for very stupid and simple reasons.  I simply am not feeling safe here. And I am not talking gang banger, shoot em up unsafe.  Just emotionally unsafe.  My pregnancy and birth with Aiden was probably one of the worst times of emotional abuse in my life.  I don't talk about it often or in depth because it was just that awful, but I am always finding myself looking back at that and worrying about another outcome that lead to the severe postpartum depression I endured as well as further abuse I sustained at the hands of people I should have been able to trust. Naturally being back in the same place where it all happened makes me feel vulnerable and brings back so much that I just don't know how to process it.  Maybe I am just being thinned skinned and letting it bug me.

I had no such issues with Fiona. I was safely tucked away in Kansas without a worry in the world.  There was no one there that could bug me and no one there that could just drop in and set my world spinning.  The only time I even had the smallest freak out was when my Mom came to stay for 10 days and I hadn't had her yet. Talking my body down during that time and telling myself it was okay and that she no longer had any control was a very difficult task, given she was one of my abusers during my pregnancy  and postpartum with Aiden.   I had Fiona about 48 hours before she was due to leave and I spent that time in bed not allowing anyone but Skip to touch her.  I know this pissed her off, but I had no reason to care or fear her. I wasn't about to let her in enough to do so.

Now come back to Colorado and I almost don't feel like I am on level playing field.  The fact of the matter is my mother continues to be a pain in my backside and continues to cause me anxiety for reasons unknown to me. I was very happy to come back here when we found out.  My dad and his wife are wonderful people and the ability to see them more often was thrilling.  My grandparents and Aunt whom I have worked hard with to bring back a functioning relationship have been a real blessing.  Yet I sit here with these great people in my life and still can only find myself worrying about my nut job mother.  I worry damn well knowing my husband isn't about to let a thing happen to me at her hands and chances are neither will anyone else for that matter.

I just simply cannot explain why ONE person makes me feel so unsafe.  I feel like I should know better.  I feel like I should just be over all of it and it shouldn't effect me the way it does.  I cannot figure it out. So I am just writing it down and getting it off my chest so I no longer feel like I am holding this in.  I don't want it effecting my labor and delivery because I sat here and worried and told no one. I have enough other challenges I am dealing with and I just don't need this one to be at the top of them.

My birth plans do not include her for many reasons and I can say at least I feel good about that part. I just want to give birth in peace without worry about her aftermath. I don't want my story told with her extra embellishments of fantasy. I don't want her hanging around here in an attempt to scare off people who want to see me(namely family) because she thinks she is going to try and control the situation.

I have learned since being back here that I have a lot of unfinished emotional business that I need to deal with.  That was truly one of the last things I expected. I thought I had climbed and beat those hurdles. I have no idea how to just let it all go, especially when I thought I had already done so. It's now said and public knowledge. Hopefully I can let it go long enough to get thru this.

I'm Just Not Feeling it This Year...

It's December 13th and I still don't feel the Christmas Spirit.  I thought by now I'd feel something, a little excitement or anticipation maybe? Nothing.  We got the tree, decorated it and all.  Aiden has been listening to Christmas music and telling me about how excited he is. Maybe the child in me has finally grown up and doesn't see the importance in a majorly marketed holiday such as Christmas.

"Its about giving, not receiving" they all say.  Well why is it so important just once a year to give?  Why are we giving crap made in China that's just going to collect some dust after a few uses? My house is packed with crap.  I can understand and completely respect that people love to give at Christmas and it makes them feel good.  Yes, it's one time a year we all remember to give something to the people we love and we should all feel good about that. It's the drive to feel obligated that jades me. If I don't go shopping to provide people with stuff, will they think less of me?  Will they wonder what they did wrong? Does it even matter if I shop for anyone?

I'd rather spend my time and a little of my money enjoying a big cooked meal with people I care about, who aren't going to stress me out. Maybe this whole thing stems from the fact that for 3 holiday seasons I have felt free of holiday obligation because I have been over 400 miles from home and it was all wonderfully stress free.  In all honesty there is only ONE part of my family that I even want to entertain the thought of being with on Christmas and that's my dad and his wife.  There is just no pressure or stress there, yet I am already trying to con myself out of 2 other visits cause I just don't want to deal with it.  It's too much.

This year I already feel like my family has everything it needs or wants.  We are all fabulously healthy. We had an amazing birth this year after two heart jerking losses and we do not have to endure another deployment.  We are pretty complete. We are not left wanting for anything this year.  For me, that's Christmas enough.

I am sending cards, I want people to know I am thinking of them and hoping their family and lives are as complete as mine.  I probably won't be baking this year.  I don't really have the time or energy for it and honestly I don't think anyone really needs to add more crap to their system than is already going to be there.  I have a special handmade gift planned for family members and that's about it.

In a world losing its compassion for each other, a world of increasing consumerism and greed and a world divided on everything including the meaning of Christmas, I just can't feel happy about the holiday in general.  I feel happy about my family's accomplishments this year and being closer to people who I am thankful for.  Christmas will come and I will be thankful my son has a sparkle in his eye over his new treasures, even if I don't pack the tree with useless stuff.  I will think back to my childhood and remember the anticipation of waiting for the day to come and be happy that we have it together enough to provide the kids with a worry free holiday.  I will be happy my husband is home again this season and not thousands of miles away in a war zone eating a holiday meal in a chow hall.

I wish everyone a stress free December and please don't go broke over expectations.  The only thing anyone should expect from you is your love and support of them and that's all you should expect in return.

Your Kids Need to Talk Back, and You Should Respect That

Talking back, we did it as kids.  Our kids are doing it to us.  How were you handled?  How do you deal with talking back in your home?  I think the way our parents dealt with it and the way we choose to deal with it will have a direct effect on the way our children interact with us as adults.  We all want kids that grow into confident adults that are not afraid to speak their peace when they do or don't agree with something, right?  We want them to protect themselves against negative comments and to stand up for others when their voice cannot be heard.  What of that meant standing up to you?  Protecting their interests from your thoughts and opinions?  What about protecting themselves from other people in the family or even standing up for a family members choices?  Can you accept that someday your child may need this skill, that someday they may need to put you in your place because your ideas are different?

I don't think any of us wants to think a day will come that we will be told by our own that we are wrong, that we have hurt their feelings or what we taught them as a child doesn't have a positive effect on their now adult life.  Talk about a blow to the ego! But we plan to spend the next 18 or so years as their providers, protectors and teachers.  So the least we can do is give them the skill to stand up to us, their biggest critic, their heroes and their superiors.  And because we are the adults, we should be proud of them for speaking their minds and protecting their interests and well being, even if its protecting them from us.

I think many of us feel torn between being good and kind to our parents and taking crap from them that we would not accept from other people versus just telling them how it is.  How many times have you felt like just telling a family member how it is, but didn't because you were afraid of backlash or punishment?  Maybe you have even felt your values become compromised because you feel like you can't say anything. Lets not set our kids up for this kind of frustration.

Let your kids question you.  Let your kids suggest something different.  Let them express their anger or sadness with you.  There is nothing wrong with taking 5 more minutes to explain your decision to a child who is not on the same level as you.  There is nothing wrong with listening to a suggestion and if warranted  worked into a new solution. It's ok for your kid to cry or be mad because something isn't going their way, don't get mad because they are a kid and should understand.

Accept anything you can within reason.  Just as we would not expect an adult to voice their opinion in a violent or disrespectful way, its fine to teach our kids there are right ways and wrong ways to protest, but protest is acceptable. If you can provide your kids a safe and respectful way to communicate what they don't agree with now, they will be better able to do the same as adults and you will be better prepared to respect that from them. Safe, effective communication cannot happen when one party fears the other.

Now off the soapbox,

I bring this up because as an adult this is an issue I have struggled with.  I speak with people EVERYDAY that cannot stand up for themselves against family or cannot protect those not present to hear.  I think its a tragedy really. I don't ever want to be the person that hurts my  children at any age, but I don't want to be the person that doesn't know because my kids were too afraid to tell me because of the way I raised them.

Teach your kids how to communicate with adults now so they won't feel like children forever around you.

7 days, This is What I am Committed To

It has been 7 days since I have had any communication with my husband.  No calls, no texts, no emails. There is probably another 10 days of this silence left.  All simply due to a training exercise that is taking place out of state. Training them for who knows what will go down in the middle east next.  Training for yet another deployment.  More time away from family.  More time away from reality. More time reminding them of the frailty of life. I wish everyday all this could just come to an end.  I am tired, he is tired and our family is growing weary of all the stress put upon us by The United States Army.

I met Skip and loved him.  I waited for him for 15 long months.  He came home and I committed to him and this life I live with him now.  I agreed to undergo the stress, the heart ache and all the times I would spend alone just so I could have the time we could spend together.  I know someday the deployments, the training and the stress will come to an end. But I also know that until that day the imprint of all these events are going to leave a lasting impact on him, on me and on us together. In many ways, it already has.

I have committed to growing a family with him.  I've done so knowing that I will be taking on most of the work for the first years as the Army doesn't give him enough time now.  I am growing a family with with in anticipation of possibly having a baby with him out of the country some day and missing some of the most important moments of it's life.  He has promised me that I will never have to work because he knows how much I am needed at home to make sure our home is a functioning place.  Place for our family to grow up healthy. While all that is so very hard now, I know that the sacrifice I make, the pain I feel when I need him more and loneliness of parenting without him is not going to last much longer.  The Army doesn't have him forever.  Every hour they take know is worth the hours of freedom that is coming with his retirement.  It's worth the stability he is giving our family.

I am committed to him for life, knowing that someday I will spend at least 15 years of that without him. I know that someday all I will have are the kids we will raise together because he will be gone long before me. Every nite that he is gone and the last bath has been given, after the stories have been read and the kids are sleeping I sit alone and wonder if the quiet I sit with is what it will be like.  Will I sit and remember all the nites he was gone and feel the same I feel now without him? Will the silence be worse with all the kids grown and possibly gone? Will they remember to check on me and make sure I am not sad the same way Aiden asks me if I am ok now? If I am as lucky as Skip's mom, I will get another 30 years to enjoy with him. Even knowing that, I don't think its enough.

There will never be enough time to make up for all our lost time now. All the lost holidays, birthdays, season changes and special life events.  We can't turn anything back and try for it again.  We can't get back our lost hours when he gets called in.  But we can stay committed thru all of it.  We can promise to never leave during our worst moments when life makes us crack.  Promise to not quit when we feel like the future is not going to be as we hoped. We won't give up when the path is just too much to take.

10 more days before a phone call. 10 more lonely nites of thinking about what life would be like without him. Then all I can do is hope for a beautiful 90 days before I have to endure the next deployment.  Commitment, that's how you get it done.

Number 3 and Beyond, Where's the Celebration?

I was having a phone conversation with someone the other day and the following was said,"Oh guess who got herself knocked up, again..."  I thought for a few moments about the mutual people we know and was stumped about who could possibly deserve such harsh words.  "It's So and So, what the Hell was she thinking?  It hasn't even been 6 months since the last one and she already has 2."

It struck me at this very moment that we no longer celebrate large families. Once you get past baby number 2 everyone thinks you are crazy and there is no need for more.  Its a VERY common topic brought up in a private pregnancy and birth group I have been part of for some time.  Women are announcing pregnancies 3 and beyond to a bunch of semi anonymous people before their families.  Why?  Because of the reaction.  No one is excited.  No one really offers help anymore.  I guess they figure you've had 2, you must be able to manage.

And Lord help you if you find yourself "knocked up" before the end of the first year after your last!  You can bet the comments about birth control and being bored are gonna by flying faster than the speed of light! You will get looked at like you are nuts, people will flat out call you crazy. The best part is you will here these things before you are congratulated. I think that's so very sad.

Every pregnancy and baby counts.  From number one to however many each woman becomes blessed with. Yes, maybe some pregnancies come at bad times or maybe the mother TRULY cannot and perhaps should not have more, but its not the fault of the child.  Regardless, she is still pregnant and is STILL going thru the same things as 1 and 2.  Her body is still be torn apart by hormones, her body is still undergoing the most massive changes that it can in a short 40 weeks to prepare to bring forth life again.  She still deserves respect and support.

There was a time when families were bigger, incomes were less, food was not so abundant and homes were half the size or less of our modern mansions.  The 2.5 kid household of today is not the norm.  So smile for larger families.  Offer your support and encouragement and show these women they aren't losers for having more than 2 kids.  It hurts to be criticized over something so profound in life.  She may not need a baby shower, but she could use a girls get together to celebrate together. Children are worth every second of it.

30 Days

Well Husband left last nite for the National Training Center in California for 30 days.  Sucks, not even going to lie.  Once he is home from this we have just over 90 days before the next deployment hits.  I could have used this 30 days to be with him. But hey!! Lets jump up and down with excitement because they are training at the "Best training facility in the world!!" according to the commander.  Insert eye roll here.

In any case, no point in moping around I guess.  I am going to spend the next 30 days purging my house of junk we aren't using. I am not real sure where to start, but I have a few closets and cabinets that could use some thinning out.  I know I have some crazy cleaning to do in the garage.  It has boxes of stuff that haven't been unpacked simply because it's stuff not being used.  Hoping I can make a small fortune on craigslist this month.  That would rock!

I need to do the kid's fall photos this week while its still decent.  Going to pick up some pumpkins and haul them to the park.  Also need to make a couple of light reflectors.

Still up in the air about posting to Facebook while Skip is gone.  I did purge my friend list when I stopped, so I know everyone on there now.  I miss it, but then again I don't.  So I dunno.

If you are bored anytime in the next 30 days call me, come on down or bring the kids and we can hit the park!

Weekend Retreat

Well the family got a wonderful treat this past weekend.  An all expenses paid weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado at the Beaver Run Resort. Skip's unit was hosting a marriage retreat and we got booked off the waiting list.  Totally awesome.

The drive up there is simply beautiful.  All the fall colors are starting to show and 3 hours of that was totally worth it! We got there and pretty much expected a room with a couple beds, but boy were we surprised when we walked into this:

700 square feet of total amazing!! We had a living room, dining area, fully equipped kitchen, full bath and a room with a queen and twin bed.  Also a wood burning fireplace and balcony.   Seriously, this room was bigger than my first apartment!   The view was great!

We did have to spend some time going to a marriage class that used The Five Love Languages as it's base, but it really wasn't bad.  Skip and I scored exactly the same as far as how we speak love, which I expected anyways, but it was really the other people that made me realize how good we are.  I think we were the only ones that didn't sign up for individual counseling with the Chaplin. The amount of hate and discontent I heard coming from the women was out of this world.  The amount of complaining about a totally free trip was just sad. 

Skip and I also realized that while having kids is certainly a lot of work and it does take time from one on one activities, we have built them into our marriage.  While Fiona did not spend any time in the provided day care services, Aiden did want to go play with the other kids and we reluctantly let him go. I was almost sad for the kids who's parents were all to happy to get rid of them. I am thankful we have found ways to stay close to each other with the demands of children 24/7.  I feel like that is nothing short of a huge accomplishment in today's world of disliking children.  

The weekend was fab.  We watched some TV(a luxury we do not pay for at home), cooked for each other and just enjoyed the time away and the time to really see what we actually have with each other.  We came home a new found appreciation for the times we do argue knowing its rare.  We love our kids, we love how included they are and we love that we are satisfied with the time we get together.  Nothing is really worth complaining about or hating your spouse over.