Having Little Fantasies...

Parenting, it's no 9-5 job.  More like an unrelenting 24/7/365(or 366 on a leap year) kinda job. There are no set coffee breaks, uninterrupted bathroom rests or totally spontaneous days. Life takes some planning most of the time, even if its just how you are going to shuffle the heard to the car without losing someone to a slight attention loss because they saw something shiny(or you saw something shiny, but I digress..). When you have small kids there are no clean shirts, there is clean enough to be seen in public without question shirts. Chipped nail polish, overdo pedicures and a lot of bad hair days.  There are dark circles under your eyes and sometimes the will to live stays in bed while you get up and force yourself to keep going.  Often you answer 50 questions before 9am, the same 50 you answered yesterday and dare I say the day before that as well.  Hell who am I kidding, you answered them all last week too!! 

That's just a fraction of a fraction of a the day of a parent. There are mornings(like today) that you wake up at 530 to a little staring you in the face and smiling their horribly adorable smile and you think,"Damn you are cute, but I just want to close my eyes and pretend you don't exist for a few moments." You think about waking up when you chose and just doing nothing.  Or on a rainy day staying in bed to read without any noise or anyone to take care of.  Or think about what it would be like to decide to go somewhere and get to the car in 30 seconds instead of having to plan for at least 30 minutes and then another 15 to get to the car where you then realize nap time is in 10 and you are so screwed.(All while praying nothing shiny pops up) I have mornings that I dream of no responsibility. I dream of quiet. Time for myself to pursue my interests and mine only for a period of uninterrupted time. I could go on and on and on in my little fantasy, but as I type I am being asked many questions and I realize it's just not going to happen. 

But it really is all just a fun fantasy to get you thru tough times.  Honestly, what would I do without my kids?  I would miss the beginning of those adorable toothless grins at 530 when I am all bleary eyed. I would end up missing the noise because it reminds me I am not alone and it's an even bigger reminder that someone loves me enough to give me the joy of these wonderful little creatures that deprive you of life's basic needs.  I would miss out on a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. I would really be missing out on huge amounts of love, received and given. I would would miss opportunities to be a better person.  

SO ya, I want a morning to myself, but its not going to happen for a while.  That's ok.  It will be sweeter when it comes.  

No FB

Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I last logged onto my Facebook page.  My last actions there were updating my notification settings so that only things family posts gets a one.  And then I am only seeing their post.  It's working out nicely for me.  The first few days were hard.  I was so used to checking it on my phone whenever I didn't have something to do. But that soon passed and I found I was filling those few minutes here and there with other activities. I certainly am not missing it!

I've noted a slight increase in real communication outside of it and that alone is worth the distance. I still receive messages using the messenger as well. To me that's like texting and its still more personal than a public post.

So in the end I am not sorry I moved away from it.  I figure if its THAT important, you will tell me. If not, well I'll send a Christmas card anyways.

Intolerant

About 2 years ago we went gluten/wheat free for a while and life was good.  Then we slacked and slowly added it back.  Life wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't as awesome as gluten free! We have mostly maintained a no sandwich bread lifestyle at least. Skip has put on a pound or 2 here and there.  I haven't really lost what I wanted.  We haven't really noticed what eating it again was doing.

That was until Phoebe was born.  Almost overnite I became 100% intolerant of it.  I cannot eat the smallest amount without suffering GI issues. So I would stop for a few days thinking my guts were just readjusting.  Normal postpartum stuff.  Then I would eat something and again serious GI issues.  I had pasta 2 nites ago, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I've banned all wheat and gluten from the house. I simply cannot do it anymore and I see what it does to the rest of us.  So no more.

It sucks, the easy baking days are out the window, but I am having fun looking for new foods to cook.

Us

I've come to realize I don't have enough photos of me with my own children.  I am always the one behind the camera so I am missing out. I need to make an effort of getting those shots in. So today was Fiona and me.  Someday I will want these photos.

Face Book, Killing relationships One Friend List at a Time

I love social media. I hate social media. It has many wonderful benefits as well as so many pitfalls. It allows you to stay connected to people you love, like family and friends. And that is especially true if you aren't living in the same state or if you are military and always moving around.  It allows for more real time updates and people don't have to miss out on what's going on.  You can make broad announcements like engagements and births in one place at one time.  But all those great things also mean you don't or aren't keeping up in real life. It means you feel connected without actually being connected.  It makes it easier for us to book ourselves solid with things like work or kids and not have to carve out any time to maintain relationships because things like Face Book are doing it for us.  It also takes out the personal aspect of one on one relationships because everyone can see everything. Everything people are saying to you, everything you are saying to them and everything you are researching and asking about in other areas such as "liked" pages or joined groups.

I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with Face Book.  I love being able to share photos of my kids for people like my family and closest friends. I like being able to reach out when I am having a bad day and get those almost instant words of encouragement.  But then I also stop and think, well if I had better in life personal relationships with these people they would see my kids more often or I could just pick up the phone for the words I need.  Do you see the issue now?

Before moving to Kansas in 2009 I refused to even look at Face Book. But when we got orders I realized I was going to need a way to stay in better contact with Colorado because frankly I was devastated that I was leaving. In the beginning it was pretty awesome.  I had the connection online, but was still maintaining the personal one through phone calls and texts with many. When I had my first miscarriage shortly after Skip deployed I was able to pick up the phone and call anyone and they were there for me.  I never felt like I had to give it a second thought. Within a year of that one and having my second I can say that feeling of just picking up the phone was gone. It was strange and weird. Skip was home for that one, yet I felt more alone dealing with it than I had before.  Then my pregnancy with Fiona happened.  It was definitely less exciting as far as people involved, but I chalked that up to living in a different state.  I still had some fabulous personal relationships with neighbors and friends out there so I didn't think too much of it.  I certainly remember getting texts, calls and cards when she was born.  Then we got the orders back to Colorado.  Man was I excited.  So were so many people.  I couldn't wait!! I would have a life again. I would see people again.  I would be doing things. Social media was no longer going to be my social outlet.

Slap the breaks on that.  Since I have been back I have seen my friends less than 10 times. Phone calls and texting have plummeted and Face Book has become the main source of communication.  I'm not really sure what happened.  It just did. I know I am personally reluctant to pick up the phone and call or text. So maybe its just me. Maybe I have single-handedly killed my own relationships. Or maybe people just forgot I was back. I moved out of the circle and came back to no room. And that is understandable as well. We all move on and life changes.

The reason I got to thinking all of this is because since Phoebe was born I have had ONE visitor that is not family.  I have received ONE phone call from someone who is not family congratulating me. I have received 2 cards, one from Skip's deployed unit and one from his ex-wife. The last text I got from anyone that isn't family was June 19th.  It's been a horrible wake up call.  Its also been a reality check.

If I quit social media today, who would notice? Who would pick up a phone and call me?  Who would I call or think about. What relationships would I maintain? I don't really know. But if I quit, what would I miss? Who would I miss? It's like a double edged sword.

Face Book has let me stay connected while I was away.  It lead me to new people and groups as well. It has given me knowledge through those new found groups.  I've connected with people I wouldn't have known otherwise.  I think maybe I am old enough to know and value real face to face friendship, but also young enough to value digital friendships as well.  It's a strange place to be.  I am not sure I like the way friendships are fostered now, but in this day and age its the "in" thing.  I miss my face to face friendships.  I feel like I have forgotten how to make them work.  I have added 2 kids and quit working since I was last proficient in dating my friends. I am missing something and I don't know how to fix it.

Or maybe the person I have become is not the friend people want.  I may have to just face the fact that I am on the out because I have outgrown the past relationships and it's time to move on and seek new ones.

Things Gone Unsaid

I haven't written anything here since December.  That's very unlike me. It's not been for lack of subjects, things happening or things to say.  I just haven't been able to bring myself to write anything for a couple of reasons.  The physical and mental exhaustion I have been experiencing has been so overwhelming that the thought of taking time to to write something just made me want to cry about it. Also most everything I think about and want to write about is not very mainstream and I always feel like I am wasting my time talking about some of these things.  I don't have an audience that cares very much about those things, actually I don't have much of an audience. So I just haven't been able to bring myself to sit and hammer something out.  Not even small updates because my life has been so up and down over the past 6 months to a year, I mostly feel like I don't even want to talk about it.

I've been plagued with serious anxiety, some depression and overall sadness during this pregnancy.  Not at all what I expected. The pregnancy with Fiona was so smooth and easy that I really expected the same thing.  But the change of environment and my husband's job here has not made that possible. It's been very emotional and disappointing many days. I have of course had nothing but support and happiness from the people I am closest to, without that much I feel like things would have been so much worse.

With all that being said I am sitting here pretty much just waiting for labor to start.  I can go any day now.  But being this close has made my anxiety levels go through the roof for very stupid and simple reasons.  I simply am not feeling safe here. And I am not talking gang banger, shoot em up unsafe.  Just emotionally unsafe.  My pregnancy and birth with Aiden was probably one of the worst times of emotional abuse in my life.  I don't talk about it often or in depth because it was just that awful, but I am always finding myself looking back at that and worrying about another outcome that lead to the severe postpartum depression I endured as well as further abuse I sustained at the hands of people I should have been able to trust. Naturally being back in the same place where it all happened makes me feel vulnerable and brings back so much that I just don't know how to process it.  Maybe I am just being thinned skinned and letting it bug me.

I had no such issues with Fiona. I was safely tucked away in Kansas without a worry in the world.  There was no one there that could bug me and no one there that could just drop in and set my world spinning.  The only time I even had the smallest freak out was when my Mom came to stay for 10 days and I hadn't had her yet. Talking my body down during that time and telling myself it was okay and that she no longer had any control was a very difficult task, given she was one of my abusers during my pregnancy  and postpartum with Aiden.   I had Fiona about 48 hours before she was due to leave and I spent that time in bed not allowing anyone but Skip to touch her.  I know this pissed her off, but I had no reason to care or fear her. I wasn't about to let her in enough to do so.

Now come back to Colorado and I almost don't feel like I am on level playing field.  The fact of the matter is my mother continues to be a pain in my backside and continues to cause me anxiety for reasons unknown to me. I was very happy to come back here when we found out.  My dad and his wife are wonderful people and the ability to see them more often was thrilling.  My grandparents and Aunt whom I have worked hard with to bring back a functioning relationship have been a real blessing.  Yet I sit here with these great people in my life and still can only find myself worrying about my nut job mother.  I worry damn well knowing my husband isn't about to let a thing happen to me at her hands and chances are neither will anyone else for that matter.

I just simply cannot explain why ONE person makes me feel so unsafe.  I feel like I should know better.  I feel like I should just be over all of it and it shouldn't effect me the way it does.  I cannot figure it out. So I am just writing it down and getting it off my chest so I no longer feel like I am holding this in.  I don't want it effecting my labor and delivery because I sat here and worried and told no one. I have enough other challenges I am dealing with and I just don't need this one to be at the top of them.

My birth plans do not include her for many reasons and I can say at least I feel good about that part. I just want to give birth in peace without worry about her aftermath. I don't want my story told with her extra embellishments of fantasy. I don't want her hanging around here in an attempt to scare off people who want to see me(namely family) because she thinks she is going to try and control the situation.

I have learned since being back here that I have a lot of unfinished emotional business that I need to deal with.  That was truly one of the last things I expected. I thought I had climbed and beat those hurdles. I have no idea how to just let it all go, especially when I thought I had already done so. It's now said and public knowledge. Hopefully I can let it go long enough to get thru this.

I'm Just Not Feeling it This Year...

It's December 13th and I still don't feel the Christmas Spirit.  I thought by now I'd feel something, a little excitement or anticipation maybe? Nothing.  We got the tree, decorated it and all.  Aiden has been listening to Christmas music and telling me about how excited he is. Maybe the child in me has finally grown up and doesn't see the importance in a majorly marketed holiday such as Christmas.

"Its about giving, not receiving" they all say.  Well why is it so important just once a year to give?  Why are we giving crap made in China that's just going to collect some dust after a few uses? My house is packed with crap.  I can understand and completely respect that people love to give at Christmas and it makes them feel good.  Yes, it's one time a year we all remember to give something to the people we love and we should all feel good about that. It's the drive to feel obligated that jades me. If I don't go shopping to provide people with stuff, will they think less of me?  Will they wonder what they did wrong? Does it even matter if I shop for anyone?

I'd rather spend my time and a little of my money enjoying a big cooked meal with people I care about, who aren't going to stress me out. Maybe this whole thing stems from the fact that for 3 holiday seasons I have felt free of holiday obligation because I have been over 400 miles from home and it was all wonderfully stress free.  In all honesty there is only ONE part of my family that I even want to entertain the thought of being with on Christmas and that's my dad and his wife.  There is just no pressure or stress there, yet I am already trying to con myself out of 2 other visits cause I just don't want to deal with it.  It's too much.

This year I already feel like my family has everything it needs or wants.  We are all fabulously healthy. We had an amazing birth this year after two heart jerking losses and we do not have to endure another deployment.  We are pretty complete. We are not left wanting for anything this year.  For me, that's Christmas enough.

I am sending cards, I want people to know I am thinking of them and hoping their family and lives are as complete as mine.  I probably won't be baking this year.  I don't really have the time or energy for it and honestly I don't think anyone really needs to add more crap to their system than is already going to be there.  I have a special handmade gift planned for family members and that's about it.

In a world losing its compassion for each other, a world of increasing consumerism and greed and a world divided on everything including the meaning of Christmas, I just can't feel happy about the holiday in general.  I feel happy about my family's accomplishments this year and being closer to people who I am thankful for.  Christmas will come and I will be thankful my son has a sparkle in his eye over his new treasures, even if I don't pack the tree with useless stuff.  I will think back to my childhood and remember the anticipation of waiting for the day to come and be happy that we have it together enough to provide the kids with a worry free holiday.  I will be happy my husband is home again this season and not thousands of miles away in a war zone eating a holiday meal in a chow hall.

I wish everyone a stress free December and please don't go broke over expectations.  The only thing anyone should expect from you is your love and support of them and that's all you should expect in return.