Just because we have it, should we really be using it?

Forgive me now as this blog was inspired by an article I read today and for the life of me I cannot find it now that I am home.  As soon as I go back to work tomorrow and find it I will post it here.  But I had to get this off my chest while it was still fresh.

The article was a story about a mom who cares for her son.  It's not any story though.  It's about a women who cares for her son who was shot point blank in the back of the head while doing a tour of duty in Iraq.  It has left him blind, unable to speak or move.  His body also requires a respirator to breath for him since he is so brain damaged that he cannot do it on his own.  It went through her daily routine caring for him that begins at 6 am with his bowls and ends at her passing out next to him at nite.  She has made her living room into a critical care unit and doesn't trust the use of in home nurse care because one time a nurse fell asleep and her son had a terrible seizure.  So she usually passes out next to him every nite because she is so exhausted.   The story says her son is aware of everything around him, from his morning enemas that his mother gives to the football games he listens to on TV.  What a life to live.

I have a huge issue with this.  I have an issue with the technology that is keeping him alive. I have an issue with the family that lives through this as well as makes their son live through this.  I guess perhaps I don't really understand where people draw the line of a quality life.  We of course all have a different opinion.  And I imagine  the rich person who runs out of money would think their life was no longer worth living and people who come from nothing can endure more.  So clearly there is a HUGE gray area for this.

However this mans body can no longer function without man made machines.  If they turned them off he would die.  His body is not his own.  His functions are not his own.  Maybe even his way of life is not his own idea of living, but we can only speculate.  The news is filled more and more with stories like this.  More people being left to live solely on the use of machines.  When and where as a society or as a person do we stop and draw the line?  When do we choose to let them go? Are we even allowed to let them go or are there laws preventing us from "pulling the plug" so to speak.  I haven't had a chance to research the law regarding this, but I imagine that as long as the insurance is paying it would be frowned upon to let your loved one go, but once that runs out how much would you bet they are all for the plug pulling?

It's not fair to leave a person alive to live that life.  Their body is dead, let them go.  Let them go with some dignity.  Let them be whole again in another life.  Let them not suffer your selfish needs to keep them alive.  At this point in time there is NO CURE for things like this.  Stem cell treatment is probably decades away still because people oppose it for many reasons.  I will tell you the mother of this man says she does this because she hopes that stem cells will cure him.  I'm sorry, but that's simply not going to happen at this time. By the time it does she will be too old to care for him and the world will be a much different place.  Might as well compare it to an inmate that is out after 50 years.  His body will be so bad  and his age will be too much for him to be considered a quality candidate.  SO to me this is simply selfish.  Yes, perhaps selfless when it comes to giving everything she can, but selfish to make her son live the rest of his days in this condition.

I would not want to live like that.  I would not want to see my son or Skip live like that.  I would let them go.  Skip and I have discussed this here at home and has expressed that he would want to be let go.  And I would give him that.  An injury like lost limbs is something that can be battled through.  The person is conscious and doesn't require an artificial organ for life.  We can live through that.  It may be a challenge, but it can be done.

And I don't want to hear " well maybe it's "God's " will.  If he wanted that person alive he would give them the miracle their families are praying for and they could live off the machines.  That argument is not good enough for me.  Call me Hitler if you want, it won't be the first I have heard it.

This is just a selfish act.  Shame on anyone who can't let their loved ones pass into the Creators hands to that they may live a life void of pain and misery.  It makes my heart ache.

Mother's Day

Holiday's are fine and dandy and all, but we just don't pay any attention here at my house. Even when Skip is home things like today and all the other holidays, minus Thanksgiving and Christmas, are just another day.  To be honest even as a child I never understood the whole reason behind celebrating your parents one day a year.  I mean if they are THAT good don't you think you should be celebrating them all year?  They have birthdays you can spoil them on too ya know.  We don't even pay attention to birthdays. It just doesn't hold any importance.  There are just too many other things in life to worry about and to enjoy. We also don't care to spend the extra money.

So there ya go. Maybe it will change someday, but for now I am happy just like this.

Next time I would like to be given the option to have the door open to the left or to the right!

When we got here in October, Skip got us a washer and dryer since we didn't own a set.  We have a nice big laundry room and I have lots of space to get things done in there.  Well the owners of the house put in a pretty sweet cabinet system in the laundry room. It has a bar to hang clothes and hangers and places to keep everything.  The only problem with this is one cabinet gets in the way of the dryer door opening all the way.  It opens to the right, but is on the left and that leaves me hanging over the door trying to reach in and get all the clothes out.  It has been the biggest pain in the ass, but I have managed.  I just figured if I ever couldn't get in there I would just send Aiden in.  


Well today while I was getting up, close and personal with my dryer again I noticed what seemed to be 4 punch out, pre drilled holes.  Then I noticed a plastic piece covering a hole where the clip that holds the dryer shut would go if the door opened the OPPOSITE direction!  So I thought I was going to have to find someone to come here and punch these metal pieces out. I took a small flat head screw driver and saw the punch outs were actually plugs!!  Oh yes, I am a GENIUS! This new idea of dryer heaven had me all motivated.


I got my tools out and went to work.  At first I didn't think I was going to be able to get the door off because the screws were in so damn tight.  I had to push myself against the wall to get enough pressure to turn these screws without stripping them.  Once the door was off I had to study how I was going to change it around because the seal on the inside isn't just a circle, it's some weird oval/square shape.  I had to take the door apart to flip this piece around. or upside down or however you see it.  ANYWAYS, I got the door on screwed the hinges in and closed it, NOT.  I put the hinges on wrong.  I tried 3 different times to do this step and was getting nowhere.  The hinges have these double type holes on the top so that you can hang the door and screw it in.  


After long amounts of thinking I discovered the only thing that wasn't reversible was the damn hinges.  So I did not get to use the fun mounting holes cause they had to be upside down. What a pain in the ass that was.  I hope I don't ever have to do that again cause Skip will have to get his tools out to remove stripped screws!!!  


But hey, I can get in the dryer now.  

Things I miss

So I was at work today doing my usual living in La La land while grooming for entertainment and I got to thinking about all the little things I miss now that Skip is gone.  They are things I didn't really think much of while they were happening, but of course now that they are gone I want them back.  Ah, such is life.

Skip used to show up to PT formation and skip out on it and come home.  He did this all winter.  So I could count on his COLD body getting back into bed at about 7.  He would suck all the heat I had saved up right outta me! Weird I know, but I really miss that.

WWII movies, documentaries and youtube clips.  Yes, every chance he got the man was watching SOMETHING about the damn war.  I have no interest in watching any of it alone, but when he was here there sound of angry German words always filled the air.

All the lights coming on at 0430 every morning.  Yes ALL the lights.  Every day he got up for work.  I couldn't just have a peaceful morning.

The warm spot in the bed when he got out of it.

The laundry he could never seem to sort when he got it to the hamper.  He would just always throw it on top.  I would threaten to beat him every Saturday when I did laundry.  All I could do is just stand there helpless and laugh while he stood in the door and looked me.

I really miss how OCD he was about cleaning.  It drives me crazy to watch him scrub and clean and scrub and clean day in and day out.  But I miss that constant.

I really miss the sound of his voice and how he used to tell me a hundred times a day how beautiful I am.

Only 7 weeks, really?

Well tomorrow will be 7 weeks since I last saw Skip.  Only 7.  I have been thru enough to last me a YEAR in the past 7 weeks and I still have to make it another 45!  I am truly hoping that I have dipped as low as I dare go in this emotional battlefield of mine and that things start looking up, even if only a little.  I've been on an eating binge the past 7 days and have easily gained 5 pounds.  You know, 5 pounds that I had to work my ass off to lose.  Damn Arby's.  Ugh.

So Monday is a new week and time to start anew.  I have hopes that my body will be back to normal by then as it is currently showing promising signs.  I can start walking the dog, eating right again and being in an over all better mood.  I promised myself I was gonna be in shape this time when he got home. I don't have a fancy digital scale in that bathroom for nothing!!

Beliefs

With my recent loss it is only natural to see people around me look to their beliefs for an "answer".  I like to see how one's beliefs plays such a large role in their life.  It's like second nature to just find and grab it and look for that "answer" that always seems to elude us when events stricken with grief arise.  They pray for answers and for fast recoveries.  I like prayer from other people.  It's usually a deeply personal thing as they have a deep relationship with "God" and it makes me feel special knowing that they would ask their Creator to send assistance my way.

So it never fails that someone asks or reaches out to me about what I believe and when I give them a blank look they think "Oh, she's a non believer."  I think they end up praying even harder at that point.  The truth is I don't believe in "God".  I haven't for a few years now. I was saved when I was 16 or 17 by a close family friend at a time when I was questioning my own life and whether or not it was worth living. Did it change how I was feeling at the time, no it did not.  I went on with my then miserable life.  I found "God" again when I was with Thomas because I was convinced that he was full of evil and needed to be saved.  I tried to save him for 5 or 6 years.  Of course I ended up leaving and moving on with life.  I never got an answer or a sign from "Him".  I asked and asked for help for direction and never did anything come to me.  So I picked up what was left of myself and started thinking different.

I like facts.  I like evidence.  I like things that are tangible.  One could argue that "God" is tangible based on everything around us.  Based on life's beauty.  I've hiked many miles, stopped to breath mountain air and to smell the flowers.  I've never felt anything but nature at work in those things.  I've never had some spiritual revelation in those things, only a deep love for Mother Nature.  She brings life and takes it.  She is full of wondrous colors and sights that overwhelm the senses.  She is complicated beyond comprehension sometimes. Much of what I believe is based on Her laws. The laws of nature.

However, I don't believe she is alone in making our world.  There is no way a human is born only to nature.  We are far too complex to simply exist as another species of animal on this planet.  We have emotions. We love and hate.  We feel sadness for ourselves and for others at times of great need.  We make deep emotional attachments.  We don't act out of animal instinct.  We act with rulings of our hearts.  Of our souls.  It's those things that make us look to something higher for reason.  We do that instinctively. The one thing we do without second thought in most cases is look to some spiritual being to guide us.  We ask for answers and understanding from something we can't see.  We just trust it's there.  Even those who claim we turn into worm dirt at death say things that would say their beliefs are not what they actually think.  Are things that happen a plan, are they meant to be?  Are we all given different paths during our life that we must make the best of and wait for an unknown outcome?  Are we aware of what's happening?

I don't believe any one person or group is solely right about what went into making us.  I think the stories of bibles and other religious books are just that, stories.  But they are stories to help everyone lead a better life.  They are stories to teach lessons and they are stories that explained life before science found an answer.  They show us in writing the morals that are already instilled in our souls.  They are reminders of how to live honest and humble.  You can see this in all types of religions and beliefs.  I believe that in a way everyone is showing respect to the same Creator, only everyone has a different name for Him.  Nobody is right and nobody is wrong when they choose to identify themselves with a certain group providing it is making them a better person and they are not causing harm onto others, as I cannot believe anyone who gave a helping hand to Mother Nature would want to see us destroy others that are a part of it.

I don't know what happens to our souls when our bodies burn out and die, when they are killed in accidents or when they are murdered in cold blood and war.  I do believe our souls ask us to lead good, honest lives while they occupy our bodies.  We must nurture and care for them as well as nurture and care for the souls around us.   I believe the Creator and Mother Nature have a working relationship and they help guide us on paths that somehow always seem to be entangled with someone else who has need.  Sometimes answers from "above" never seem to come.  If we look a bit harder though, Nature can usually provide us with what we are looking for. She can't give us the spiritual support we need, but our closest friends and family all have a little of the Creator in them. That is where the real healing power comes from, that's the tangible answer.

A letter to life, "Fuck you back"

Dear Life,

       Do you think that you might be able to play a little more fair? Don't you think you should even things out for me?  After I all I do everything I can to make sure I am putting in what I should be getting back.  I don't lie to people.  I don't steal, cheat, murder or put undo personal stress on anybody.  I take all your beatings day in and day out.  I am thankful for every friend you give me.  I am thankful for every day you give me to live. I am thankful that I don't have to spend my day to day life struggling because I work hard to prevent that. However I am sick of these tests, challenges and experiences that reduce me to tears and extreme anger.  I am sick of having to question it and tell myself there is a reason for everything.  I am so sick of all your reasons.  I am sick of your shitty decisions.  How about an answer now? How about not waiting to show me later why it happened now? 

I am sick of crying everyday for everything I always feel like I am losing at your hand.  Quit giving it and changing you damn mind.  I hate you for that.  Quit giving me shit I don't want and leaving it my job to clean it all up. Is it so hard to rain some sunshine on my life?  Or is it so hard to show me where I can find happiness?  I don't think the way you are working right now is how to get things done.  I think you are pretty fucked up.

I have never stolen from you.  But you stole from me.  You stole something so precious that I don't think I am ever going to be able to forgive you, no matter what your reasons are.  I am done trying to justify it.  I tired and came up with a huge list of reasons that should make it all better, but the truth is none of them are good enough for what you did to me.  Nothing is good enough to explain why you are making me do this alone.  I have done almost everything alone my whole life and you know that and yet you have to top it all with this.  I am left with nothing but thoughts of what next?  What tragic thing are you preparing me for now? What do you plan to steal next?  

Fuck you life.  Fuck you