I just feel pissed that I can't have petty issues.

He's only been gone for 9 weeks.  I am already feeling like it's been forever since he has been home.  I am just sitting here in my kitchen crying because I hate spending nite after nite alone with no one here so share life with. Sometimes I just feel so miserable about it all and I question myself on how I am going to do this again.  I don't get to see him until January, 3 months before the end of a year long deployment.  I feel so screwed.  We get to talk everyday on the messenger, but I hate sometimes that more than half our relationship has been spent doing that.  I fall apart every time he says good nite and logs off. He talks to me for over an hour everyday after he has been working for 14 on as little as 4 hours of sleep.  My heart breaks for him.

 I get frustrated.  I get angry at everyone's petty problems.  I hate seeing what everyone has and what they should be thankful for and they are too blind to see it.  They are so caught up in their own bullshit and they can't just be joyful for what they have, even if it seems small.

I would be thrilled if my only heartache was Yoshi  and the damn cat dropping coat around my house or that Aiden had a stuffy nose.  What I would give to feel like the driver next to me was a jerk and that I had places to go and people to meet.  But no.  I get the joy of not having to worry about all that.  I sit glued to my BlackBerry waiting for it to ding announcing Skip has logged into yahoo messenger.  My biggest upset is when his internet isn't working.  I panic if my data goes out.  Every email that isn't his I sit slumped with disappointment.  If he doesn't log in on time I start checking for news stories about Iraq to make sure he hasn't been blown up or something.  If he doesn't log in at all I start pacing, I don't sleep and I send him a million emails thinking somehow he's going to magically answer.

What I would give to have him here irritating me.  I am thankful I can appreciate him every time he screws up. It's not worth fighting because I know we don't have enough time to fight.  Yea, I just sit here and cry thinking of everything we are missing together and feeling mad at everyone for wasting what precious time they have and they chose to waste it on petty bullshit.  It pissed me off when people can't stop and see that.  If only my life could be wasted on such garbage.

I wish I had the pleasure.  I wish I could lack any appreciation for his flaws,  I wish I could be mad at him for not doing things how I want them or hate that he's his own person.  Nope I got screwed with the ability to understand and embrace all that.  I am screwed smiling when he does things that piss me off.  I got stuck laughing whenever he tells me I'm cute when I am mad.  I got short changed in the ability to hold a grudge or to dwell on his short comings.  I am forced to think before I speak and to weigh things against the "is it really worth it" factor. I have been given no will power to bend him into something else.  No, I have none of that.

All because I am forced to know what really matters, because the words I said to him last could be what he dies with on his mind.  The way I make him feel could determine how he sleeps that nite.  The things I do might make or break his already elevated stress levels.   I can't enjoy life's petty issues because I have been forced to learn they don't matter.

But hey, I'm happy everyone else has so much to keep them entertained.